


Letting Go

by VaderCat



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Afterlife, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet, Character Death, Established Relationship, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, being sad, brief reference to suicide, non-canon, super canon divergence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:01:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 65,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25178074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VaderCat/pseuds/VaderCat
Summary: A mission goes terribly wrong leaving Cassian to fight for what he loves and Jyn learning how to live again.
Relationships: Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso, Chirrut Îmwe/Baze Malbus, Jyn Erso & Bodhi Rook, Leia Organa/Han Solo, Shara Bey/Kes Dameron
Comments: 145
Kudos: 84





	1. Before it Ends

**Author's Note:**

> Warning, warning, warning - canon character deaths (yes plural) ahead. No one from Rogue One though (if that helps). Also angst - a lot of angst. 
> 
> So last summer I was listening to the ‘Once More with Feeling" soundtrack from Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 6 and got the bright idea of writing a fic where Jyn dies on a mission but is brought back to life and has a hard time adjusting.
> 
> I also have a playlist if anyone is interested (warning - I have very dated taste in music). Letting Go playlist
> 
> Soo . . . this if my first attempt at writing a star wars universe fic - all my other fics have been modern settings so please bear with me. 
> 
> Posting schedule will be once a week if not sooner. Most of the fic is written - I just need to do editing and proofreading. Y’all know how I roll - this is going to be a long one - about 19-20 chapters.
> 
> Listened a lot to Christopher Beck "Close your Eyes" for this chapter. It's the famous Buffy/Angel song (in my mind at least).

Jyn tiptoed quietly around the room, trying not to wake him. She was scheduled to leave on a mission with Solo, Dameron and a few others from their Pathfinder crew and Cassian was for once sleeping peacefully, burrowed under the covers like a Loth kitten, snoring softly. She looked down at his sleeping form and her breath hitched, a warm feeling blooming in her stomach. She hadn’t even left yet and by Force she missed him. He had just come back late last night from a month-long intelligence gathering assignment and she was leaving for a quick smash and grab mission with her Pathfinders team. Draven had been pretty secretive about the mission. They were going to pick up a rebel sympathizer at an abandoned trading outpost that claimed to have valuable intel on the Empire. Cassian’s month long mission had produced some sizable information, Command had filtered through the intel and everything had checked out. _Must be pretty important, she thought._ Draven normally didn’t send out the top Pathfinder team in the Rebellion on just any mission. Plus Organa had blessed it which Jyn didn’t know if it was a good thing or bad thing. Could be she was pissed off at Solo - _again -_ and just wanted him off Hoth for a while. 

She bent down to open up their weapons locker. Technically it was supposed to hold clothes but Jyn had convinced Cassian they could put their clothes in the small dresser next to their bunk and weapons should be out front and center. She looked around their room as she snapped her vibroblade holder around her wrist. They had turned this small, dreary cold-as-fuck room into a little cozy home. _Their dresser. Their bed. Their weapons (_ _Although they were mostly hers, Cassian as always preferring his blaster)_. She bent down and attached her ankle holster then tested the tightness of her hip holster. She turned back towards the bed, to grab her trousers and was startled to see Cassian sitting up, his pillow hair going in all directions, blinking at her sleepily. 

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” she whispered. She leaned down and brushed her nose against his, pinning him between her arms. He lifted his face and brushed his lips to hers, his beard tickling her chin. She loved these moments, when the innocence of sleep made him look relaxed and worry-free. He drew back and eyed her in her underclothes with her weapons strapped all over her body, his cheeks flushing as he saw the various vibroblades strapped to her shapely calves, her delicate wrists, the holster wrapped around her hips.

Jyn placed her hand on her hip and smiled cheekily at him. “See something you like, Captain?”

He placed his hands gently on her hips, tracing small circles around her sharp hip bones. She saw his muscles flex in his arms and before she could even say anything, he had flipped her over him and was hovering over her, slotting his narrow body against hers. 

“Not like,” Cassian murmured. “Love.” He pressed his lips to hers softly and she sighed into him, wrapping her arms around his neck, a feeling of content and love overwhelming her. 

* * *

Jyn arrived at the hanger bay, discreetly zipping up her jacket, tucking in her thermal shirt, Cassian following her, running his hands through his hair, trying to smooth it out. 

“Told you,” Han said to Dameron, smirking at him. “You owe me 20 credits.” Kes handed over some credit chips to Han, at the same time Melshi and Tonc dug in their pockets. 

“I thought for sure he would’ve been too tired,” Kes muttered, glaring at Cassian. “His ship came in the middle of the night. K-2 is still getting it ready for his next mission.”

“Mission?” Cassian asked, a perplexed look on his face. 

“It’s Erso. What do you expect?” Han said, walking up the loading dock of the Millenium Falcon. “Chewie, get her started.”

Cassian turned to Kes. “What do you mean mission? I just came back from one? I haven’t even had a full night's sle-"

He cut himself off, when Melshi and Tonc snickered and Han leered at Jyn. 

Kes shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know, Andor. Your droid was just complaining that he had to double his normal working capacity or whatever because of a request from the General.”

Jyn glanced at Cassian’s U-wing, her lips pursed in a frown. “You just got back. Why’s he sending you out again so soon?” She crossed her arms against her chest and Cassian was glad Draven wasn’t around. The two had learned to tolerate each other over the years but they were both a circuit short from exploding at each other. 

“I don’t know,” he murmured. He took a deep breath and let out a Kay quality sigh. “I better go see what’s going on.” He took a step towards her, his hand reaching out to tuck an errant curl behind her hair, his eyes somber all of a sudden. “Be careful, okay. Come home safe.”

Jyn looked up at him, her green eyes gleaming at him. She cupped his chin, her thumb tracing his frown and poked the corner of his lips until he managed a smile. “I’ll be fine, Cass. We’ll be in and out and I’ll be home before you know it. I promise.” 

He bent his head down, his eyes fluttering as she kissed his eyelids. She then slapped him on the ass and he had to restrain himself from letting out an undignified squeak and watched her saunter up the ramp to the Millenium Falcon. His stomach clenched as he watched her walk away and he felt strangely unsettled. 

He looked at the soldiers boarding the Millenium Falcon and noted the pure force of power with these Pathfinders. 

_Dameron._

_Solo._

_Chewbacca._

_Melshi._

_Tonc._

_Erso._

_This wasn’t just any mission._ He wished Baze or Chirrut or Bodhi were going on this mission with her. But Bodhi was on a supply run and who knows what the Guardians were up to. It’s not that he didn’t trust these guys. They were the best the Rebellion had but . . . he couldn’t ignore the feeling in his stomach. 

His chrono beeped. _Draven._ He watched the Millennium Falcon lift up, sputter precariously for a couple of seconds (he swore that ship was going to be the death of Solo) and then lift off into atmo. 

_May the Force be with you, my love._

* * *

“We need you to go back to Kafrene and make contact with your informant.”

Cassian stiffened. “Why? The intel was good, right? The Alliance is sending a team based on this data. Analytics ran through it, right?”

Draven was the best spy in the whole Rebellion but Cassian had known Draven long enough to know when he was hiding something. 

“The intel was good, Andor, really good. I have the Rebellion’s best Pathfinder team on a mission because of this data - we need to be careful. I need you to find out his source.”

Cassian burst out with a bitter laugh. “You think he’s going to give up his source? The Rebellion wallet is how he makes a living. He’s not going to give up his source.”

“Then you need to _convince_ him Andor.”

Cassian stopped. He knew what Draven meant by _convince_. 

“Fine. We’ll leave as soon as Kay readies the ship.”

* * *

  
He hated Kafrene. Absolutely hated it. The smell, the noise, the people. He walked quickly through the crowds, images of Tivik, his face flashing before Cassian’s eyes. The look of naivete to the look of sorrow and fear when Cassian shot him. 

“Cassian. Are you okay? Your heart rate is elevated and your breathing has become shallower.” Kay said, interrupting his thoughts. He had stayed on the ship but was monitoring Cassian through the coms.

“I’m fine, Kay. Just not a fan of the Ring.”

“Neither am I, Cassian. The pollutants from this planet do a number on my joints. I’m going to need Jyn to schedule an oil bath when I return.”

Cassian’s low chuckle brought him out of his dark thoughts. For some reason, Jyn was the only one Kay trusted to put him on the schedule at the lubrication center for an oil bath. The last time Bodhi did it, Leia’s damn droid C3PO had joined him and all hell had broken loose, resulting with 3PO ending up with a detached arm and Kay painting it an awful red before they reattached it. 

He spotted his contact hovering at the end of the alley. Cassian’s face, previously full of mirth, changed in an instant as he prepared to meet with his contact.

* * *

“Erso! Get those filthy boots off of my dashboard.”

Jyn had been leaning back in Han’s pilot chair, keeping Chewie company while Han grabbed some caff which then turned into a game of sabacc with Stordy. It was going to take them a day to get to the outpost and she was itching for something to do. 

Chewie roared something which roughly translated to _her boots being cleaner than Solo’s ass_ but Jyn didn’t feel the need to translate for the rest of the group.

Jyn smirked at Solo. “I’m keeping Chewie company. You were playing sabacc with Stordy and Chewie was bored,” she explained, petting Chewie’s furry trunk of an arm. He purred in agreement and Han glared at him. 

“Traitor. Maz would not be happy if she found out you were piloting with another woman.”

Jyn was pretty sure the fur on Chewie’s face turned a darker shade of brown and she wondered briefly if Wookie coloring could change due to embarrassment. She made a mental note to test her theory next time they were on Takodana. Jyn smirked up at Han, curling her legs underneath her, a streak of dried mud getting on the seat. 

“ERSO! I swear to the Force if that mud from whatever kriff forsaken swamp you crawled out of doesn’t get out of my seats, I’m gonna murder you!” 

“I wouldn’t threaten her Solo. The Captain does not take it well when she’s threatened.” Kes warned Han. 

Han scoffed. “Please. I’m more scared of her than Captain Cranky Cass. She’s more likely to give me a painful death. Andor will just put me out of my misery quickly and efficiently.”

Kes nodded his head in agreement. “Don’t forget Shara. She’s Jyn’s buddy and will definitely hurt you.”

Han instantly paled at the mention of Shara Bey. He wasn’t too sure who he was more scared of - Shara or Jyn. He used to be afraid of Leia but realized her bark was worse than her bite. Erso and Bey were mean though. Scary mean. 

Plus Shara was pregnant, making her meaner than a hungry wampa. 

Jyn scrambled out of Han’s seat before he tried to physically move her and plopped herself next to Kes, bumping his shoulder playfully with hers. “How’s Shara doing?” she asked. Shara was about 12 weeks pregnant and while she wasn’t showing physically yet, Jyn noticed all the Pathfinders stayed clear of her. 

Kes’s smile lit up the Millenium Falcon. He was the only one that thought his wife was beautiful when she was yelling at people and making young recruits cry. Even Bodhi had been avoiding Shara lately. Her wrath held no prisoners.

“She’s doing great,” Kes said. Jyn smiled. “Yeah? Do you know what you’re going to have yet?” Kes’s smile grew even wider. “It’s going to be a boy, Jyn. Can you imagine how amazing he’s going to be? Mine and Shara’s good looks? Shara’s smarts? I can’t wait to be a father, Jyn.” His eyes got a little teary and Jyn couldn’t stop smiling. Everything had been going so well lately. The Rebellion had been growing in numbers and more planets were protesting the Empire’s rule. The tides of the war were slowly turning in their favor and she could almost see the end. She thought of Cassian and everything they had been through - Jedha, Scarif, the missions where they both thought they weren’t going to make it. They had so much hope now. She never thought she had a future without war but seeing Kes happy, Shara pregnant, even stupid Solo and the Princess had stopped squabbling. 

Things were definitely looking up. 

* * *

Chirrut Imwe had a morning routine. He didn’t wake up early enough to see Jyn off on her mission. Baze and he had said goodbye the night before, wishing her luck. He was looking for the Captain but had found out the Captain was already being sent out on another mission. Chirrut frowned when he found out. It was rare for the team to be separated and he was feeling unsettled. 

“Baze.” Chirrut announced his name, as if expecting Chirrut to know what he was going to say.

“What?” grumbled Baze, who at the moment was thoroughly cleaning his blaster. 

“I’d like to go meditate, walk me there?”

Baze eyed Chirrut suspiciously. Chirrut could damn well get to the training room on his own but always made Baze accompany him. He was up to something. 

“I’d like to get some exercise since my sparring partner is out so if we could take the long way, that would be appreciated.

_Ahhh. He’s definitely up to something. The long way was past the Command center._

Baze holstered his blaster and patted Chirrut on the arm. “Bundle up. The training room may be warm but the rest of the base is cold.”

They strolled around the base, Chirrut of course startling everyone as he greeted soldiers by name as he walked by them. “Greetings, General. All is well, today?”

Draven bit out a gruff hello and passed Chirrut, walking into one of the command rooms that was for intelligence only. 

Chirrut cocked his head at Draven, his milky blue eyes assessing him slowly. They continued to walk to the training room where Chirrut sat down in the middle of the room. Baze was always amazed at how fast Chirrut could settle into meditation. 

Chirrut closed his eyes and blocked out all the outside noise - the sound of the ventilation system, doors swooshing open, the low murmur of soldiers walking by. Everything was blocked out except the soft noises of Baze’s breaths. He saw all these colored threads intertwined and he worked on picking them apart to see what was making him uneasy. He honed in on Baze, picturing his face, always grumpy but so kind and sweet. He focused on Jyn - bright as a star, and he could see her on the Millenium Falcon annoying Han Solo and the rest of the crew teasing her about Cassian. Chirrut smiled at the camaraderie. It hadn't been too long ago when Jyn had been as prickly as a Hoth hedgehog, so afraid of getting close and making friends until she had found a home, here on Hoth with the Guardians, Bodhi and Cassian and her Pathfinder team. Chirrut’s thoughts turned to Cassian, who was always brooding but how he would light up when he would see Jyn. Cassian was worried - he could sense it. He was on the Ring and he knew the Ring was not a good place mentally for the Captain. Chirrut picked up the thread of the Ring and tied it to the side, trying to focus on Cassian. Cassian was thinking of the mission Draven had - _Draven. There it is._ Chirrut found Draven . . . a cloud of gray hanging over him. Chirrut focused on the cloud, honing in on it. He normally never focused on Draven but when Chirrut had passed by the General, he was normally so closed off to the Force that it was hard for Chirrut to get a sense of him. But today . . . Draven had slipped and Chirrut was able to tap in. 

The cloud of gray pulsed and throbbed until it turned into a shower of blood, death and destruction. 

Chirrut’s eyes flew wide open, startling Baze. 

“Get a hold of the Captain. They’re all in danger!”

* * *

Cassian was getting tired of this game. His informant had been dancing around his questions and he was running out of time. Draven had commed him twice already and he had ignored the calls. 

He finally drew a vibroblade (one of Jyn’s favorites) on his informant. “Listen Marek, we paid a good price for the data and we need to know where it came from. It doesn’t check out. We don’t like paying for faulty intel,” he said, the vibroblade getting closer to Marek’s neck.”

“I swear, Willix. The data was good. It came from a reliable source. Why would I lie to you?” 

Cassian eyed the informant, a slight human that made his living selling and stealing anything that came of value. 

Cassian’s tone turned deadly as he squeezed his hand tighter around Marek's throat, his face slowly turning blue. “I need the name, Marek. Now. I’m done playing these games.”

To emphasize his point, Cassian squeezed harder. 

Marek gulped and let out a shudder. 

“Fine, fine. I got the intel from someone on the inside. General Greendeef. High up in Imp command. He’s looking for something more lucrative. Said the Alliance would pay big money for this data, and he wanted a cut.” Cassian pulled back and Marek bent over, oxygen flooding back to his face. “So now you can go run back to Hoth and report back to your General,” he hissed out between breaths. 

Cassian nearly dropped the blade. _Greendeef? No way in hell._ He looked at Marek and knew he wasn’t lying. Someone obviously pretended to be Grendeef and Marek bought it. 

Cassian froze in fear. 

Jyn’s mission was a trap. 

Then he finally heard what Marek said. 

_Hoth. He said Hoth._

_Fuck, fuck, fuck. The Alliance was compromised._

Cassian pulled his blaster at the same time his personal comm went off. “Captain,” came Chirrut’s voice, breathless over the com. “You need to get to Jyn, NOW. There’s not much time for the others but there may be time for her.”

Cassian was a professional spy, able to handle any situation under pressure, but Chirrut’s message did nothing to calm the raging storm inside his body. _Jyn! They had no idea they were walking into a trap. He needed to get to them . . . to her._

“Evacuate Hoth NOW.”

Cassian looked at Marek, eyes wide with terror as he realized he just signed his death warrant. Cassian looked at him, set the blaster to stun, shot him and ran. 

He hated Kafrene. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo . . . this if my first attempt at writing a star wars universe fic - all my other fics have been modern settings so please bear with me.
> 
> Posting schedule will be once a week if not sooner. Most of the fic is written - I just need to do editing and proofreading. Y’all know how I roll - this is going to be a long one - about 19-20 chapters.
> 
> Listened a lot to Christopher Beck "Close your Eyes" for this chapter. It's the famous Buffy/Angel song (in my mind at least).


	2. Losing it all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Pathfinders' mission turns deadly. Cassian races to save Jyn and her team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Canon character deaths (no Rogue one deaths though), lots of angst, violence, definitely a lot of plot holes (hand waves it all away).
> 
> Posting a bit early - thought it would take longer to edit. I’ll try to update at least twice a week.

Han checked the coordinates of where they were supposed to land the ship. Draven’s source had directed them to a small outpost on Algor, a moon that was mostly desolate and held little life except for plants and animals. All he could see was a deep canyon surrounded by lush trees and ledges formed from years of erosion jutting out from the canyon walls. A river the color of the sky ran a jagged line through the canyon that disappeared into the canyon walls, most likely streaming into the canyon’s underwater caves. 

Chewie grumbled and pointed his paw at a meadow that was overlooking the canyon, where years of dry heat and storms had paved the way for a smooth field of grass, dotted with colorful flowers and overgrown plants. The Falcon landed softly on the grass and Han began flipping the switches, putting the ship in neutral mode while Chewie conducted his scans. 

“Any signs of Imperials?” Han asked, doing a visual scan of the canyon. There wasn’t a soul in sight which made Han nervous. He preferred missions in cantinas (not because of the alcohol on the Rebellion’s dime of course) but he liked to see his targets, not this spy crap. This was Andor’s speciality (sneaky bastard). 

Chewy growled out a response and then huffed out another growl patting his stomach. 

“Okay, I’ll let them know to make it quick and that you’re hungry.”

Chewie gruffed out in agreement. 

Han went back into the ship. “You guys ready? Chewie and I will stay with the ship.”

He looked at Jyn. “Do you have the briefing?”

She and Kes both nodded at Han in agreement. “Draven said the contact was skittish so I’m going to be the point. Once I verify the intel is good, then I’ll signal the team. Kes and Melshi are taking position on the southeast side of the canyon, Tonc will be on the west. When we’re ready, you bring the ship in and we’ll be good to go.”

Han peered out of the Falcon’s viewport at the canyon. Again, he wished he was in a bar. With a drink. “I’m all for flying by the seat of my pants but am I the only one thinking that this canyon is a weird place for a pick up? I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

Kes and Jyn exchanged a look. They both talked about this on the way over but Draven couldn’t convince the contact to meet them anywhere else. The contact had been hiding out in the outpost and didn’t trust anyone. He wanted to meet in a wide, open space. The contact had agreed to meet them at the bottom of the canyon, about a five minute hike from where the ship had landed.

“We talked about it, Han, and we’re using every precaution. Chewie’s already checked and there’s nothing in these canyons, right? Just us. We should be fine.” Jyn said. They had to trust Draven on this and get that intel. He never said what was on it but that it could change the course of the war. _Like Scarif. Like the Battle of Yavin._ Draven’s lips were as tight as his ass that Jyn was surprised he had even told them that. 

Jyn looked down at the canyon and an image of torrential rain and rails built into a cliff came over her.

“Erso, you okay?”

She shook her head as if a simple shake would wipe the nightmare of Eadu away. She looked at the sunny skies, not a drop of rain in the distance. _Not Eadu._

“Yeah, I’m fine, Kes. Let’s go. 

They took one of the steeper routes down to the canyon, each one separating to go to their specific look-out. Jyn continued on and saw a lone-figure at the far end of the canyon, a bulky Rodian. Jyn understood then why the contact was sketchy and wanted to meet in an isolated space. Rodians weren’t known for siding with the Alliance - _or with anyone in general -_ which then made Jyn nervous. 

Jyn moved closer, relaxing her body, getting her muscles ready to grab her truncheons. _Just in case._

“You have the package?” she said, her hand out, moving her other hand to hover over her blaster. The Rodian studied her intensely, taking in her small frame and nodded slowly, deeming her a non-threat. He put his hand inside his vest and Jyn’s fingers twitched over her blaster handle, her outreached hand ready to arm her vibroblade. 

He gave her the data stick and she took it, her eyes on him as she pulled out her datapad, checking the contents of the data.

_What the fuck?_

Draven never told her what was on it but all of a sudden she knew why it was so important. And knew why he wanted her specifically to meet the contact. She was the only one who would’ve known what to look for. To validate it. 

_Fuck. He should of sent the calvary for this._

She tapped on the files making sure they weren’t ghost files and there was actual data behind the file names. _Yes._ She put the data stick in her pouch and tucked it into her jacket. She looked slowly at the contact and nodded her head, giving the sign for Kes, Melshi and Tonc to come out. All three came out of their spots heading down towards the canyon. 

That’s when all hell broke loose. 

Her contact’s head jerked back suddenly, spattering Jyn’s face with green blood. Before she could even turn to run, the Millenium Falcon exploded leaving nothing but debris, fire and the charred bodies of Han Solo and Chewbacca. 

* * *

“Kay,” Cassian shouted, running back to the ship. “Cassian, I’m right in your ear, you don’t need - 

“Kay, get that ship ready and punch in the coordinates for Algor and get Draven on the comm.”

Kay knew Cassian’s various commands, could understand the tone of his voice and understood when things were urgent. He stayed quiet and entered in the coordinates. 

Cassian appeared a minute later, out of breath, sweat running down his face. “Draven?”

“He’s on right now. I ran into some interference through the normal communication lines.”

Cassian heard static and then heard Draven’s voice over the line. He sounded out of breath, like he had been running. 

“You need to evacuate Hoth now. The Rebel Alliance - the Empire knows, everything’s a trap, the Pathfinders, Jyn - “

Draven cut him off. 

“We’re evacuating Hoth now. There’s Imperial ships on their way but we have time, not a lot to get out.”

Cassian breathed a sigh of relief. “How . . did Chirrut?”

“Master Imwe snuck into the command center and pulled the alarm.”

“Have we heard from Jyn’s team?” Cassian asked, anxiously. “Kay tried getting them on the comms but they’re radio silent.”

“We haven’t heard from them. We tried radioing the Millenium Falcon but nothing.”

A sense of doom filled Cassian. “What do you mean nothing? There’s always a signal to that ship.”

He heard an explosion in the background and the static grew thicker over the line. “Listen Andor, we need to go - the Empire’s getting closer. We all knew Hoth could get compromised. You know the back up plan - head there ASAP.”

Cassian shook his head. “I need to find Jyn. There’s still time.”

“Andor, this isn’t a kriffin request! It’s an ORDER! You said it yourself, they’ve been compromised. I can’t risk anymore -!”

Cassian cut the line. 

It wouldn’t be the first time he rebelled. 

* * *

Jyn stared at what was left of the Millenium Falcon. Then her body violently jerked back as she felt a sharp pain pierce her side. _Kriff! She had been hit._

“ERSO! FIND COVER!” Kes took charge, shouting over the comms. “MELSHI - find that sni-”

Kes was cut off as another explosion threw him from the ledge he had been perched on and he fell to the canyon floor. 

“KES!” Jyn screamed, running towards him in a zig-zag form hoping to throw off the sniper. The boulder in front of her exploded and she turned, desperately trying to find cover from the shards of rock pelting her.

“MELSHI! Find that sniper!” Jyn yelled. “Tonc! Take cover - stay hidden.” She stared at Kes’s crumpled body - he wasn’t moving.

She couldn’t even think. Couldn’t even comprehend the fact that he was dead. 

S _hara. They were just married._

_Shara was pregnant._

_No. No. He couldn’t be dead._

Another blaster bolt whizzed by her head. 

She closed her eyes, trying to get her senses intact. She couldn’t think, couldn’t breath. Her side was on fire. 

_Han. Chewie. No. Don’t go there._ She bit back a sob. _How did everything get so fucked up? They were all alive less than ten minutes ago._

_A tight rubber band twisted around her heart._

_Kes._

She clutched the kyber crystal around her neck as she ran trying to find cover. _Trust the force, Jyn. Believe in the force._

Lyra Erso’s words echoed in her head as Jyn desperately tried to make sense of the raging chaos going on around her. 

_My stardust. Everything I do, I do to protect you_. 

_I am one with the force, the force is with me._

Jyn felt a sense of calm rush over her. She suddenly stopped and opened her eyes and whipped her body into a somersault, missing a blaster bolt. 

She spied a group of thick boulders that were facing against where the shooting was coming from. She just needed to make a run for it and pray to the force she didn’t get hit. If she could get behind those rocks, she could take a position and start shooting. 

She clutched her kyber crystal again and said a short prayer to her mother, to Cassian, to Chirrut and Baze and Bodhi. _Force. Let me get back to them._

She made a run for it and was close to the boulders when she went down, a bolt getting her in her hip. _Fuck. She didn’t know how much longer she was going to make it._ Where was Melshi? Where was Tonc? She hid behind the rock, ripping a piece of her shirt off to try and stop the bleeding from her hip but her shirt was already soaked in blood. _What the hell?_

Her stomach. She had been shot and blood was pouring from her belly. She stared at the hole. It was so small but was causing so much damage. 

_I can make it. I can make it! I’m not dead yet. I’ve got to get back._ She opened up her vest pocket and pulled out some gauze.

_Take this, Jyn. It’ll help with small wounds. Cassian’s head dipped towards her as he tucked first aid materials in her vest pocket._

She ripped off the small roll of duct tape and bandaged herself up, using the duct tape and the gauze as a makeshift bandage. _She better be unconscious when they took that tape off or some poor med droid was going to get decommissioned._

She leaned heavily against the boulder and took in her surroundings. She needed to get that sniper. She exhaled sharply, swallowing the burning pain in her side and flipped around, peering out into the trees surrounding the canyon. 

That’s when she saw them. 

_Melshi._

_Tonc._

They were dead. 

_Her team._

Their bodies were hanging from the canyon ledge, their necks hanging at an unnatural angle. She could see the blood dripping from their heads. They didn’t even see it coming - had no idea of the invisible target on their backs.

Anger, hate and rage swirled inside her. _What the fuck happened? How did everything get so kriffed?_ She needed to calm down and focus.

She grasped her crystal tightly. _Please mama. Help me._

_Trust in the force Jyn._

She looked past their bodies and that’s when she saw it - a glint of metal in the sunlight. Jyn aimed her blaster and pulled the trigger. She could hear, in the stillness of the canyon, a body hitting the floor. 

One down. 

The Empire had to have sent at least six - one to blow up the Falcon, one sniper, and a soldier to take down each of them. The odds were against her. 

But she wasn’t going down without a fight. 

She peered over the boulders again and saw the body of their contact. She looked at the angle and calculated where the shot came from. She studied the trees looking for something out of place and noticed a discoloring among the trees. Branches that were just a little bit too green for the aged pine trees that were here. She aimed her blaster and pulled. 

Another body down. 

Four more. She could do this. She had taken out more with her truncheons alone when she was in Jedha. 

_Those were useless Storm Troopers, Jyn. The Empire sent their elite for this. She recognized their tactics, their military prowess. The brutality. The ones who had taken down the last remnants of Saws partisans._

She stood up again to peer over the rock and was face to face with a soldier from the Empire’s Inferno squad. She acted on instinct and reared her fist back but a blaster bolt took the commando down. She turned around to see where the shot had come from and saw Kes sitting up, weakly holding a blaster. 

He smiled at her. “You owe me, Er-”

His head snapped back and a small hole appeared in his chest. He looked at it blankly then back at Jyn, his lips forming to say something, red bubbles gurgling out of his mouth. 

She moved to run towards him but then another shot rang through the air, hitting her in the shoulder. 

All her training from Saw, to leave people behind, to save herself, left her. She sprinted towards Kes, could feel sharp needles piercing her shoulder and covered him with her body, glaring at the hidden sniper in the woods. 

She grabbed Kes’s face. 

“Stay with me, Dameron. You’ve had worse, you’re fine. Stay with me, Kes!” She tugged him to her. 

“Don’t you even think about dying on me,” Jyn tearfully cried at him. She grabbed what she had left of her gauze and held it against his chest, blood permeating through the woefully thin material.

Kes looked at her and he opened his mouth.

“No,” Jyn whispered, looking back at the trees, waiting for the next shot. “Don’t say anything. Save your energy.” 

Kes’s eyes opened wide as blood pooled out of his mouth. “Jyn,” he rasped. “Tell Shara . . . tell her I . . . tell her I love her and I’ll always be with her and our boy. He’s going to be the best boy in the galaxy, Jyn. The best.” He smiled at Jyn sadly and his head tilted to the side, the warmth leaving his brown eyes until they slowly went blank. Jyn rested her forehead against Kes, a tear slipping down her cheek. 

_May the Force be with you, Kes Dameron._

She gently closed his eyes and swallowed the lump in her throat. Grief and anger consumed her. 

The sniper hadn’t shot her for a reason. 

Well now she was going to give them one. 

* * *

“Command doesn’t want her. Kill her.”

Azaz had been with Inferno Squad since he was a young child, having been born into the elite squadron. He stared at the small woman glaring at them from the canyon floor. 

“She has intelligence.”

“Well yes, obviously, let’s get that back but stop toying with her and just kill her. Or shoot her from here and then get the intelligence off her cold body.”

The soldier nodded and geared up.

The intelligence officer stared at him, surprise on his clean, polished face. 

“She killed three of my brothers. I’m not going to let her die so easily.”

The intelligence officer shook his shoulders. “Suit yourself. Just get the job done.”

He made his way down to the canyon floor. 

* * *

He was big. Jyn had taken down bigger. But usually they were fleshy gang members who weren’t Imperial fit. This man was at least 6’5 and built like a rock. He had tattoos running down the side of his arms, codes and numbers, serpents and the symbol of Inferno squad branded on him. 

She hissed when she saw him, thinking of her former friends and allies that had died at his hands. 

Jyn rushed him, her truncheons flipping out and hitting him square on the side of his head. He growled out but still remained standing. 

_I’m kriffed, Jyn thought. He has a head thicker than Solo’s._

She grabbed her blaster but before she could fire, he picked her up and threw her but she used the momentum and landed in a slide, her truncheons coming back up. They circled each other warily and Jyn tried to find any signs of weakness. He was doing the same thing and his eyes strayed down to the ripped shirt and the bandage on her side. 

His leg lashed out, landing a well placed boot to her injured side and she howled out in pain, falling to the ground. She could hear him coming up behind her and she rolled over and tried to get up but her side was in pain and she could feel herself getting weaker. 

_No. Not now. Not to him._

_And her worst thought:_

_Not alone._

She was getting closer to the river and she briefly wondered if she could outswim him, get to the other side. The oceans of Lah’mu had been rougher, the waves wild and rough and she swam there like it was her own bath tub. 

Another kick to the side and she felt her wound open up, blood pouring out. She snapped her arm out, her truncheon hitting him in the back of the knee and he grunted, swatting her truncheon away as if it was a pesky Lothal cat. He grabbed her hair and dragged her to the river and she kicked at him, a well placed knee landing in his groin, which did cause him to stop and hunch over. She grabbed her vibroblade and slashed up, her blade drawing a long streak of blood from his arm, mangling his tattoos. 

He turned murderous eyes, staring at his ruined tattoos. “You’re going to pay for that, bitch.” Jyn drew her other blade out and stabbed him in the side. But she was weak, losing blood, losing energy and the blade barely sunk in. He pulled it out and carelessly threw it to the side like an unwanted toy. Jyn tried to crawl away from him but he picked her up and dragged her into the river, pushing her head down under the water and she felt a sharp pain on the back of her head, her vision momentarily whiting out. 

_No, no. NO! She wasn’t going to die like this._

She fought wildly, grabbing at anything trying to get out from under his crushing hand. She could see the sky, blurry through the water _or was her vision fading; she couldn’t tell anymore._ He brought her back up above the water and she tried to take a deep breath before he pushed her back down again. At this point she wasn’t even trying to fight him anymore, she was just trying to hold her breath, to stay alive, but she was tired. _So tired_ . The water was cold, invading her nostrils and she could see the blood flowing in the water from her injuries and she tried to keep her mouth shut, to avoid taking in water but her lungs were burning, she needed to breathe out. _She needed to fucking breathe!!_ But she knew she would die if she tried to breathe. She could hold her breath. She was the best swimmer in the Rebellion, Cassian often taking her on operations whenever a water planet was involved. But then she felt a vicious kick to her side and she gasped out in pain, water invading her nose, her mouth, her throat and her vision started going black. She saw his boot in the sunlight preparing to stamp her out of existence and then felt a rush of water that pushed her further into the river.

Her last thought was of Cassian before the blackness engulfed her and Jyn finally let go. 

* * *

Fear and terror clutched at Cassian’s heart when his ship entered Algor’s atmosphere. Kay guided the ship to what should have been the Millenium Falcon coordinates and now, Cassian understood why they couldn’t contact the ship. 

There was nothing left to contact. 

The ship was destroyed, debris still burning, what should have been the frame of the famous Millenium Falcon was now charred metal and burning fuel. He could smell the faint hint of burning flesh and he knew there was nothing he could do. 

_Leia._

He shook his head. He didn’t have time to think of Leia. She would get over this and continue to rule and she would be fine. 

But he wouldn’t. He needed to find Jyn. His throat swelled up . . . he couldn’t imagine his life without her. Everything they had been through, the sheer joy she had brought to his life. _Fuck._ He needed to find her. He tried to tamp down his old fears - that he didn’t deserve her, that karma would turn the corner, that all the atrocities he committed for the rebellion would find their way to Jyn. He - 

“The odds of the Millennium Falcon . . . Cassian . . . I don’t understand. My programming - that ship has beat all the odds.”

Even Kay was stunned. 

“I know Kay. C’mon, we need to find the others.”

* * *

They crept quietly through the forest and that’s when Cassian saw it. A slim, black triangular ship, hidden easily under the cover of the forest. 

_He saw the man in white, coming out of the ship, rain pelting his cape, soldiers firing on innocent men and one man trying to save them._

No. This wasn’t Krennic. Krennic was dead but this ship was definitely Imperial. 

“Kay, stay here. I’m going to check out the ship.” He needed more information - how many Imperials were here, what they were doing, how the hell they blew up the Falcon. 

“May I advise -”

Cassian was already creeping towards the ship, cutting Kay off. 

The loading dock was still open and Cassian crept up, his blaster out. He noted the passenger seats were empty but there was an intelligence officer sitting in the co-pilot seat. He could spot Imperial spies a mile away. 

Cassian crept up behind him and pointed the blaster at his head. 

“How many are here?” Cassian hissed, the end of the blaster up against the spy’s ear. The agent made a move towards the control panel and Cassian grabbed his wrist and snapping it back, breaking it. 

He howled out in pain. 

“Your next move will find your nails ripped out and being shoved down your throat. How many more?”

The agent glared at him and moved his hand towards his lap.

Cassian shot him in the thigh. The Imp’s cries music to Cassian’s ears.

“How many? My next shot may not be as lucky.”

The agent hesitated.

Cassian shot him in his other thigh and then pointed the blaster at his groin. 

“Fine! Fine! One more,” he gasped out. “He left to finish her off. That filthy hellcat killed two of our best men. The other two -”

He didn’t finish his last sentence. Cassian shot him between the eyes. 

* * *

He ran to the edge of the clearing and looked down at the canyon floor. He saw a crumpled soldier at the foot of the canyon floor - _Force! Was that Kes?_ He heaved, almost throwing up the protein bar he had eaten earlier on their way to Kafrene. 

_Every single mission he went on . . . he knew . . . he_ _knew the chances were slim. That they didn’t have many left. But they had always beaten the odds._

_Kes._

He saw movement in the river and that’s when he spotted him. A hulk of a man reaching down into the river - 

No - not reaching down. Pushing. He pulled out his macrobinoculars and that’s when he saw her.

Jyn. Her brown hair under the water, thrashing.

_NO!!_

She didn’t have much time, he could tell. He threw his gear to the ground and reached for his sniper scope, attaching it to his Blastech. He calculated the winds, the sunlight, the trajectory. He tried to avoid looking at her fighting. He needed to focus on the target. 

He knelt down. 

The man lifted his foot. 

Rage washed over Cassian. He was treating Jyn like a fly, a bug to be swatted out of existence. 

Cassian pointed his rifle and pulled the trigger. 

The target fell to the river - his body sinking below the water. He waited for Jyn to pop up, to get air but her body remained motionless. He could see her pale face turned up towards the sun and that’s when he saw the pool of blood surrounding her. 

_Nononono - NO! She wasn’t. She couldn’t be. NO!_

Cassian ran down to the canyon floor, his legs burning from running so fast. It took him three minutes and his training was flying through his head. Three minutes without air, but if she was injured, if she had been shot, her body was already weak. 

_There’s still time, Cassian. You can save her._

He remembered Chirrut’s words. There had to be time. He needed time. _He needed more time with her._

He jumped in the river and dragged Jyn’s body to the shore, cradling her head in his lap. He couldn’t feel a pulse, he dipped his head to her chest and couldn’t feel her breathing. She was so pale and cold and blood was pouring out of the wound on her side. Cassian could feel tears streaming down his face and falling softly onto Jyn. 

“Cassian.”

_Kay._

He shook his head at Kay. “We’re too late,” he mumbled out, clutching her body to him. He looked up at his friend, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. “She’s dead, Kay. We . . .were too late.” He gasped out and his body shook violently as he stared at the dead face of the woman he loved. Kay knelt down next to Jyn, his sensors looking for any sign of life. 

“There’s a technique. From the old world. Doctors practiced this on patients who stopped breathing. We don’t use it anymore because of our advanced technologies but it’s very good field medicine.”

Cassian looked at Kay, not comprehending what he was saying. 

Kay slapped him.

“Cassian! You need to try and save her.”

Cassian finally snapped out of it. 

“Tell me Kay!” He pleaded. “I’ll try anything,” Cassian said desperately. “I don’t know how to help her,” he cried out. 

Kay went over the procedures with Cassian and he laid Jyn flat on the ground and pumped her chest, one - two - three. He placed his warm lips over her cold ones and breathed. One-two-three. He knelt his ear down to her lips and he couldn’t feel air coming from her. 

He looked at Kay, stricken. Desperate. 

“Again Cassian.”

“It’s not working Kay, you do it.”

“I can’t Cassian. First I don’t have air you idiot. Plus I could break her ribs. I can’t do this gently. She needs human hands.”

Cassian pumped her chest again. Breathed air into her again. Nothing. 

“Kay,” he whimpered. “ _Help.”_

“Again, Cassian. Do it again. My sensors are detecting she has a pulse - it’s weak but she needs air. She needs to breathe.”

He went at it again, pumping her chest, pressing his lips to hers. Nothing. _C’mon Jyn, baby, you have to breathe._

He did it a fourth time and moved to put his lips over hers when she jerked up and coughed into his mouth. He rolled her over to her side and vomit and water pushed out of her mouth as she hacked violently. 

Cassian pulled her to him. “Jyn, my God, Jyn, Force I thought you had died. That was too fucking close, Jyn. Too close.”

Jyn coughed again but this time blood came out of her mouth. “Cassian,” she said, and his name on her lips was like his prayers had been answered. But then he saw the blood and her eyes rolled back and she went limp in his arms. 

Kay saw her side that had been bleeding. He shoved Cassian to the side and scooped Jyn up in his arms and they both ran towards the ship. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Hides behind the rock throwing) - hope everyone is still on board? I know - a lot of plot holes and definitely going against a lot of ST canon. I wanted to use Inferno Squad as more of a group of deadly commandos /death troopers brainwashed to serve the Empire.
> 
> Also when you can’t find a planet that fits your needs - make one up. I used the name Algor because of “algor mortis” meaning cold death - it’s the second stage of death when the body begins to cool. Felt fitting for this chapter.
> 
> Listened to a lot of Linkin Park and the Punisher soundtrack for this chapter. One song in particular for Jyn's fight scene was [The End has Come by Ben Moody](https://youtu.be/yKZEgKi8IuE).


	3. The Price of War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian finds out the contents of the data drive.

They made it to Home One and Jyn was immediately put in a bacta tank. Cassian had to be physically restrained when he saw them put Jyn in the tank. She had nearly died drowning - _she did die - he reminded himself_ and they were going to put her in a tank where she couldn’t breathe on her own. 

He sat in front of the bacta tank, keeping a close eye on her. He wanted to make sure he was the first thing she saw when she woke up. They had close calls before but _kriff_ that was too close. He had nearly lost her. His eyes closed as images of Jyn, pale, floating, _alone_ in the river came to mind. His throat closed up as he thought of Kes - dead. He couldn’t even go back and get the bodies and that’s what killed him the most. He had left soldiers behind before but today . . . _those soldiers. Kes. Melshi. Tonc. Solo. Chewie._ The Empire had dealt a blow to the Alliance today. The numbers hadn’t come in yet and while they were able to evacuate, they still lost a considerable amount of soldiers. 

Fuck this day couldn’t get any worse. 

His chrono beeped. 

_Draven._

_Scratch that. It could get worse._

Cassian wanted to rip his chrono off his wrist and throw it at the wall. It would be best if he stayed away from Draven right now. _Draven knew something could go horribly wrong and he still sent them anyway._

He felt used. Expendable. Before Scarif, before _Jyn,_ Cassian accepted his fate. He knew he would die fighting the Empire and that it would be worth it. But today . . . seeing his friends slaughtered, Jyn being mercilessly beaten . . . 

_He didn’t know how much more loss he could take._

He ignored the message from Draven and rested his chin in his hands, staring at Jyn. He could see the bruises in the shape of a troopers boot on her ribs, the scars on her side from multiple blaster hits. The medic treating Jyn told him she had been shot five times, beaten black and blue and drowned. 

He was never leaving her side. No way. Not anymore. They promised each other all the way and they went their separate ways on this mission and look where she ended up. Dead. Nearly dead. 

The door to the bacta center swooshed open and he could feel someone in the room behind him. He hated having people at his back but he was too far gone to care at this point. All he cared about was Jyn. 

“Stars! Cassian! What. . . I just got in and heard she was here.”

Bodhi. 

Cassian turned slowly to Bodhi and shook his head, his hair falling limply across his face. “I barely got there in time, Bodhi. She nearly died. She did die. If it wasn’t for Kay, I would have lost her.” 

Bodhi went up to the bacta tank and his eyes widened when he saw all the damage to her body. The scars on her shoulder, her stomach, her hip. The bruises all over her body. He put his palm on the tank next to Jyn’s floating hand as if to touch her, as if trying to imbue his strength into her. He rested his forehead on the glass tank and Cassian could hear him murmuring what sounded like a Jedhan prayer. 

_Really? You pray?_

Bodhi turned to look at Cassian, his eyes glimmering with tears. “Is it true? Han? Chewie?” He swallowed visibly. “Rue, Stordy?” He whispered. “Kes?” 

Cassian stayed quiet, his silence the answer Bodhi needed. His body shook with silent sobs and he pounded Jyn’s tank in a rare show of rage. “Kriff Jyn! What the hell happened?”

“Stop!” Cassian said sharply. “Don’t! It wasn’t her fault, it was a trap. We fell for it.” He stood up, fast, getting in front of Bodhi. “We got too cocky and we fell for it!”

Bodhi flinched and Cassian immediately felt awful.

“I’m sorry Bodhi. I shouldn’t have yelled.” He said softly, walking around him towards the bacta tank. He put his forehead to the tank, his palm spread out next to Bodhi’s. “I just . . . It’s never been this bad before. Not even Scarif. He was killing her with no mercy. This wasn’t just some ‘trooper who got off a lucky shot. He wanted to punish her. Hurt her. And there was nothing I could do. I wasn’t there and she died.”

Bodhi gently placed his hand over Cassian’s and turned towards him. “She didn’t though, Cassian. You made it back to her and she’s going to be okay Cassian. She’s going to be fine.” He took a deep breath, his eyes roving over her bruised body. “She’ll be okay,” he whispered. 

Cassian dimly wondered if they were both lying to each other because neither one of them could stomach the truth. 

* * *

  
The medical droids came and drained the bacta tank and took Jyn for a body scan to check for any internal damage. The bruises had slowly started to fade and the scars across her belly and side were still an angry red and puckered but at least she didn’t have any infections. Cassian watched listlessly as they hooked her up to the machines, inserting various tubes in her arm to feed her and keep track of her vitals. Cassian stared at her face, willing her green eyes to open. She looked so peaceful, he noticed. As if all the demons and hurt she carried was suddenly wiped away and she could finally rest. 

“Did the medics say when she would wake up?” Bodhi asked, his eyes anxious. Cassian shook his head. “They said it was too soon to tell. She had to have a blood transfusion but she may have head trauma. She’s waiting for the pressure on her brain to subside before they try to wake her.” 

“Head trauma?” 

Cassian’s eyes went as dark as the galaxy as he remembered Jyn’s head thrashing wildly in the river. 

“When . . . in the river, her head kept hitting a rock.” He paused and his face visibly paled. “Plus the loss of oxygen when she stopped breathing.”

Bodhi regretted asking. He could feel bile rising in his throat as he thought of all the suffering Jyn went through. He couldn’t imagine Jyn getting beat. She was ruthless, terrifying. He vaguely remembered Kes making a poor joke they were going to name the Empire’s next weapon after Jyn. He thought it was pretty funny until he saw Cassian go white as a sheet and Jyn reared her fist back and hit Kes in the face. It wasn’t until later that Jyn told Bodhi about the Death Star plans. _Stardust._

Bodhi’s thoughts grew sad as he thought of Kes. That was a hit. Shara. The baby. Kes . . . was a force. 

“Captain Andor?”

Cassian looked up at the MP in the entryway of the bacta center. He glared at the MP, daring him to come closer. 

“Tell the General if he wants my report, it can wait.” Bodhi noticed Cassian’s chrono had been going off but he had been ignoring it. 

The MP stepped back and his eyes went to Cassian’s blaster. 

“Uh . . . Captain Andor? The request came from the Princess.” 

His jaw set in a show of stubborness. He could care less if the request had come from Mon Momtha. He wasn’t leaving Jyn. 

Bodhi nudged him in the side. “Cass . . . maybe you should go. It’s _Leia_ . . .” Bodhi motioned towards Jyn’s tank and gave him a look, not wanting to say what they were both thinking. 

_Leia lost someone. You didn’t._

Cassian bit his lip, stifling a sob. “I don’t want to leave her Bodhi. I can’t. _I don’t want her to be alone.”_

Bodhi patted Cassian on the arm. “I promise I won’t leave her side, Cassian. But you need to go see Leia. Find out what the kriff happened.” 

Cassian stood up and touched Jyn’s bacta tank again, his head dipping down and Bodhi vaguely heard him whisper something in Festian. A prayer. He gave Jyn one last look, his hand stroking the tank one last time, and left. 

* * *

Cassian walked slowly into the makeshift command center. He stopped short when he saw Draven with the data stick he had retrieved from Jyn’s vest. 

Draven looked at him briefly, his eyes taking in the dark circles under his eyes, the stained, rumpled clothes. 

He nodded at Cassian. “Andor.”

“Sir.”

“I need your report.”

“Where’s the princess?”

“She’s on her way.” Draven tapped his fingers against his side, a sign Cassian knew to be of impatience. 

Cassian began reciting his report, his body outside his voice as he went over each action from when he met with his contact on the Ring to Algor where he found Jyn. 

“Why didn’t you report back to Home One per protocol?”

Cassian cocked his head at Draven, and a bitter laugh escaped him. He wanted to yell at Draven, hit him, beat him black and blue for putting Jyn in a dangerous situation. 

_Putting his friends in a dangerous situation._

Cassian bit back a sharp response. “Hoth was being attacked. I didn’t know the status of our intel and knew Sargeant Erso and her team were collecting data. I wanted to ensure we still had intelligence.”

Draven gave him a look. “Really Andor?” he mocked. “Is that the best you can come up with?”

Cassian stiffened. _So that’s how it was._

“Fine! You want to know why I didn’t go back to Home One? You really want me to say it? Fine!” He slammed his fist down. “You sent the best rebels the Alliance had on a faulty mission and I tried to save them. Save her!” 

Draven remained still, his face not betraying a single emotion. 

“They knew the danger Cassian. And they still took it. It was an acceptable risk. They were collateral damage.”

Cassian’s fist clenched at his side and he drew his arm back.

But it wasn’t his fist that slammed into Draven’s face. 

“MY HUSBAND WAS NOT COLLATERAL DAMAGE,” Shara Bey raged, angry tears streaming down her face. 

Draven came back from the punch and waved his arm towards Shara. “Bey! This is a classified meeting! You need to leave.”

Shara lunged after Draven and Cassian pulled her back before she could do any more damage. 

Draven nodded to the MPs in the command center. “Detain her - she needs to calm down and she can do that in the brig.”

The MPs moved towards Shara but stopped dead in their tracks when they saw Cassian’s blaster pointed at them.

“It’s not set to stun,” Cassian said dangerously. The emotional soldier had been replaced by the spy, his face blank, his eyes dark and empty. “Lay one finger on her and I will shoot.”

“ANDOR! This is an assault on a commanding officer, insubordination, 

“ENOUGH!”

Princess Leia had entered the room. 

Cassian lowered his blaster but placed himself between the MPs and Shara, holding her arm firmly before she scratched the itch to hit Draven again. 

Leia swept into the room and ordered the MPs to leave, giving Draven a look, daring him to defy her. 

She then went to Shara and stood in front of her. Shara’s lip trembled and Leia wrapped her arms around her, hugging her furiously. He noticed Leia whisper something to Shara and she nodded and walked away, her muscles flexing as she walked by Draven. Cassian would have been labeled the worst spy in the world if he didn’t notice the brief flinch from Draven when Shara walked by. 

_Jyn would have loved to have seen Shara hit Draven._

It was just the three of them in the room and Leia looked at Draven. 

“You should have told me the risks, Draven.”

He looked at Leia. “We ran stress tests, risk assessments and went through every scenario. Even Andor’s droid came back with a statistical analysis that showed we had a chance.”

Leia cut him off. “Do you know how many soldiers we lost today? Hoth, Algor, other rebel cells? Have you bothered to get a number yet? Because I have! Your intelligence was faulty! We should have waited!” 

“You approved this mission, Leia! You knew the risks. This is a war! A war - need I remind you - that your father approved of. So don’t come in here lecturing me on loss!”

Leia stopped, about to argue, but the mention of her father stopped her dead in her tracks. 

It was a war. 

Leia sighed, sitting down heavily. “What the kriff happened? We went over everything, double-checked.” She looked up at Draven, confusion written all over her face. “What made you send Andor back to Kafrene?”

Draven paused. 

Cassian stepped towards Draven. “So help me to the Force - you better not have known the risks -”

Draven slammed his fist down on the control panel. “I didn’t know. Not at first. Your intel came back a couple of weeks ago and it coincided with other intel we received from another Fulcrum. It wasn’t until after we sent the Pathfinder group out that Kallus came back with exactly the same info. It was too clean, matched too perfect. 

The hairs on Cassian’s arm prickled. “That’s why you sent me back to Kafrene.”

Draven nodded. “Then everything went to hell.”

Leia turned to Draven. “Was it worth it, Davits? The losses? The Pathfinders? Hoth? Was it kriffing worth it?”

Draven slid the data stick to Leia. “You tell me,” he said and Cassian could swear the man was hiding a smile. 

Leia opened up the data files on the control center and they popped up, coordinates, names, data. Intelligence. 

Then Cassian saw the names. 

_Hyperspeed tracking. Stellarsphere. War Mantle._

_Jyn whispering. Stardust._

Cassian trembled and closed his eyes. 

“It’s the Scarif files,” Leia whispered. 

Cassian walked out of the room.

* * *

He went back to the medbay and found Bodhi asleep in a reclining chair next to Jyn’s bed. He stared at the two of them and remembered how he wished Bodhi and the Guardians were going with her on this mission. Would it have turned out the same? Or would he have lost them too? 

He sat down quietly in a chair on the other side of Jyn’s bed and stared at all the medical equipment hooked up to her. She had a bandage wrapped around her head, her hair peeking out from it in wild strands. Her arms were resting listlessly at her sides and he gently took her hand, placing it between both of his, kissing her palm. 

_Her face was underwater, head floating and he noticed she wasn’t moving. JYN!_

He shook his head, trying to get the memory of her floating in the river out of his head. That had been the worst moment of his life. Even seeing Krennic with a blaster trained on her hadn’t scared him nearly as bad as when he saw her in that river. 

“Captain Andor?” A woman about his age was next to him, a datapad in her hand. _The doctor._

She extended her hand out to him. “I’m Dr. Kalonia. I’m Sergeant Erso’s doctor.” 

He smiled tiredly at her. “Will she be waking up soon? She’s been out for a while,” he said, and looked at Jyn, a frown on his face. He thought she would have woken up by now. 

Dr. Kalonia looked down at her datapad, biting her lip. Cassian was a spy - he knew that look. Something was wrong. 

“Captain Andor . . .” Dr. Kalonia started, glancing at Bodhi who was starting to wake up. “Perhaps we should talk in my office?”

He saw Bodhi slowly get up. He moved to leave but Cassian put his hand up, motioning for him to stay.

Cassian turned back to the doctor. “What is it? Something’s _wrong_! Tell me what’s wrong with her,” he demanded. 

“She should have woken up by now. We’ve performed every test and the swelling in her brain has gone down, she doesn’t have a concussion, she should have woken up.”

“I don’t understand?” he said, a confused look on his face. He grabbed Jyn’s hand again and he could feel her, he could start to feel the warmth in her. _Why wasn’t she waking up?_

Then Dr. Kalonia gave him the news he feared the most. 

“Captain Andor. I don’t know if Jyn will ever wake up.”


	4. Interlude - No Surrender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shara grieves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A brief interlude - I actually had written the whole fic except for this chapter but I always kind of envisioned it. Not too sure if it came out the way I intended but hope it's okay.

_“Kes,” she whispered, shaking his shoulder to wake him up. “Your chrono is going off, you need to go.” He lifted his head sleepily and looked at her with chocolate brown eyes. His lips curled up in a mischievous smile and he slid his arm down her side, resting his hand against her growing belly. “Hmph, he muttered, his lips moving down her neck, kissing her side. She swatted at him until his lips got close to her stomach and she felt his lips move._

_“Hey there kid! Why don’t you let your mom sleep so then I can sleep. Her snoring kept me up all night.” He then proceeded to sputter his lips against her stomach and she shrieked out. “Get off me you bantha dung! I do not snore. And our son does not keep you up.” She rubbed her stomach lovingly, nudging Kes out of the bed. He sat up, his naked back to her and she could see the myriad of scars, some healed, some snaking down his back where he got back to base too late and there wasn’t much bacta could do. She traced one of the more recent scars, where Erso literally had to remove a durasteel shank from his back and then stitch him up something awful after a tussle with ‘troopers. Shara shook her head, remembering Kes’s blood all over Jyn, her pale face. Even Andor looked worried. Kes, though, Kes had been so high on pain meds that he laughed the whole time when Jyn was patching him up like a junkyard quilt. She could see Kes tense the minute she ran her fingernail down his back, tracing the zig zag of the scar._

_“Jyn is a horrible seamstress,” Shara remarked. “Good thing she keeps her day job.”_

_Kes turned to look at her over his shoulder. “I don't know how she can practically braid bomb wires together but can’t do stitches. I’m just glad it wasn’t on my face. Nothing can happen to this prize,” he said smugly._

_Shara rolled her eyes, looking at the chrono as it beeped again. “You need to go,” she said softly._

_He sighed, turning her around so he could cuddle against her, his arm snaking over to her belly again. “I know,” he said quietly._

_“Come back safe, okay?”_

_“I will,” he swore. “I love you Shar. Nothing will stop me from coming back to you two.”_

She woke up, her cheeks wet, her body shaking from emotions. It had been a week since Mothma called her into her quarters, her normally poised nature, distraught, tears in her eyes. Everything had happened so fast. The evacuation of Hoth, Shara fighting off AT-ATs so the ground troops could escape. When she got to Home One, she looked around expectantly for Kes, grateful that he wasn’t on Hoth. He would have been on the frontline, would have been at risk. But when Mothma found her, called her into her office, Shara _knew_ . She knew her husband, so full of life and joy, was gone. She remembered punching the wall, telling Mon she was wrong, that the Alliance made a mistake, that her husband made her a promise he would come back, that after everything they had been through, he was fucking alive. But when Mothma said Han, Chewie, the Rogue One team had all died, Shara knew, _she fucking knew,_ that she was telling the truth. Her husband would sacrifice himself for his whole team if he could - _stupid man._ She didn’t remember much after - she tried to find Cassian, found Bodhi Rook huddled in the bacta center, Jyn Erso near death and she doesn’t know how she found her way to the command center, but she remembered overhearing Draven calling her husband _expendable_ and pouring all her fury and grief into that punch. Then Leia’s embrace, the cold comfort, remembering her loss and it had all been too much. She ran back to her room and stayed there, refusing to come out.

Her days were a blur. Sometimes she would wake up, feeling a ghost of a hand on her belly and she would forget, forget that her husband died and turn to him and all she would find was an empty wall and cold sheets, and then it would hit her, like a Wookie hit to the stomach, that he was gone and that he wasn’t coming back. Other days she would wake up, much like today, crying in her sleep because her dreams were the only way she could find her way back to Kes. 

_I hate being like this. I need to push through._ She felt a slight kick to her stomach, as if the little life inside her was also telling her to get it together. _Yes baby boy. Yes. I will try._

She heard a brief knock at her door and stayed still, hoping whoever it was would go away. She heard another softer knock and then a small whisper. “Shara, I know you’re in there. Please, let me in.”

_Leia._

She took a deep breath. How could she be so weak when Leia . . . Leia who had lost so much each day, continued forth in her mission to destroy the Empire. 

Shara moved to get the door but Leia had already sliced in, opening it, smiling sheepishly at Shara as she stepped into her room. 

“Erso’s a bad influence,” Shara remarked. Leia shrugged her shoulders. “Jyn was always good at teaching us useful skills.”

“Is.” Shara corrected. Leia nodded her head with a small smile. She looked around the room, noting the holopics of Kes and Shara, her smile turning sad as she eyed them. 

“Are you going today?” Leia asked.

Her eyes welled again with tears. _Damn you Dameron for making me a sobbing mess._ She felt a little kick to her belly, their son obviously knowing she was cursing his father. 

Shara slouched down on the unmade bed. “I don’t know Leia . . . I don’t know if I can. I just . . . everytime someone asks me how I’m doing, i just want to slap them and hit them and stitch their mouth shut. I know they mean well . . . but kriff. I just want to be left alone.”

Leia nodded her head in understanding. _Of course she would understand. Her whole fucking planet was destroyed and people kept telling her how sorry they were about Alderaan._

“I know it’s hard, Shara. Believe me I know,” she huffed out, a sharp laugh escaping her. “But . . . I think it would mean a lot to the soldiers, to morale. Kes . . . you know how everyone looked up to him. He had so much hope,” she said sadly, her eyes resting on the holovids of him again. 

Shara nodded. “ I don’t know what to do Leia. I don’t know what to say. What am I supposed to bring? We’re supposed to take something right, give something up, to memoralize him? You don’t understand Leia, _I can’t let him go_. _I can’t let any part of him go_!” she cried out, holding her stomach, as if Leia was trying to take the most important part of Kes away from her. 

Leia rested her hand lightly on Shara’s shoulder, her eyes wandering the room. “It’s okay Shar. I’m not asking you to give away Kes. But maybe . . .,” her eyes locked on a holopic. “Maybe instead of giving something up, you can give us something,” she said. She went to a holovid Shara kept of Kes, in his soldier gear, a bright smile on his face. The holovid had been taken on Yavin and Leia thought it might have been taken after the destruction of the Death Star - the smiles on the soldiers faces that day nearly reached the stars and Kes’s dazzling smile was certainly far out of the galaxy. “May I?” she asked Shara.

She nodded her head. Leia pulled her datapad from her pocket and snapped a photo of the holo and then handed it back to Shara. She then pulled up a screen. “Write his name?” Shara tapped on the screen and scrawled out Kes’s name in aurebesh. Leia nodded her head slowly. “This will do.”

She turned to leave but then left Shara with one last look. “I know it’s hard to have hope right now Shara. Kriff . . . it’s even hard for me. But . . .hope and faith and your friends is what will get us through the times ahead.”

Shara flopped back on the bed. _She hated when Leia was right._

The memorial service for Ruescott Melshi, Stordan Tonc, Han Solo, the mighty Chewbacca, Kes Dameron and all the soldiers that were lost at Hoth was the first time the Alliance had ever held an official service. So many soldiers had been lost in the war but never had a loss been so heavily felt by the Alliance. The heroes of Rogue One, the smuggler and Wookie who helped take down the Death Star. Kes Dameron who could care less that they were in a war, who up and married the love of his life and was going to have a baby, who refused to let the Empire tell him how he should live in this war. Their deaths _hurt._ Hurt the ones left behind, the soldiers who had trained under them, the soldiers who were recruited by them. 

Shara stepped into the makeshift memorial center and her eyes widened when she saw what Leia did. Large holopics of Melshi . . . Chewie, Han, Stordy and . . . she gasped out a sob as she saw the one of Kes, his smile so bright and clear. Their names and the dates of their birth and death at the bottom of the holopic. Everyone had been talking when Shara walked in but a silent hush fell over the room as she continued to the front of the room, taking a seat in the front row next to Luke. Luke looked at her, his blue eyes bright with tears and Shara realized . . . she realized that she wasn’t the only one grieving, wasn’t the only one in pain. Leia was in the center, a comm attached to her robe. She looked at everyone and gave a small smile, her eyes clear.

She started off with the names of the soldiers lost, her voice strong as she said the names of the soldiers lost on Hoth, the Rogue One team that died. Her voice faltered slightly at the name of Han Solo and Chewbacca, her friends. She looked directly at Shara Bey when she said Kes Dameron’s name clear and loud. 

“We lost good soldiers. Soldiers who believe in the Rebellion, who believed in a free galaxy. Soldiers who refused to surrender to the face of evil. Today is a day where we will remember their lives and their sacrifices. Today we will remember not what we lost . . . but what we gained by knowing them. By loving them. Melshi and Tonc made sure our team at Scarif could transmit the Death Star plans, Han and Chewbacca . . .flew against all odds and helped Luke destroy the Death Star. They saved me from the Empire . . . from death. And Kes . . . ,” Leia glanced at Shara. “Kes Dameron not only saved so many of our soldiers in battle but he taught us how to have hope. He taught us how to live. Kes may be gone . . . but his life will continue. It will continue through his wife who is the best pilot in the Alliance. It will continue on in his son . . .” Leia paused for a moment, looking at everyone in the room. “The Alliance will fight so his son can grown up without a war. So his son can know peace. This is why we will fight. For the future.” She took a deep breath. “We honor these soldiers today by remembering them but tomorrow we honor them by fighting for them.”

Tears were streaming down Shara’s face. _She knew. She knew her husband would want her to fight. To make sure their son could know peace._ She got up and walked to the holopic of Kes. Her fingers tracing his image. “I will always love you,” she whispered. “I promise we will find our way back to each other in the Force.” She caressed her stomach and said a short prayer, one she often heard the Guardian Chirrut whisper. “ _I am one with the Force. And the Force is with me. Find me in the Force, Kes Dameron.”_

She turned and walked out of the memorial room, her eyes resting on Cassian Andor who had silently been sitting in the back of the room. She patted his shoulder as she walked by and he gripped her hand firmly, nodding his head at her, tears in his eyes. 


	5. Last Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian deals with the aftermath of Jyn's mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - time jump and a few flashbacks. Also totally making up a bunch of stuff - again hand waves it all away.

_One year later_

“Major Andor. Princess Leia is on her way.”

Cassian looked up from the command screens and frowned. It was rare for Leia to come on board the Redemption. It wasn’t a battleship and it was critical for the Princess to be secured. He had slowly been building the weaponry on the ship to make it battle ready. He didn’t like feeling vulnerable and if this ship was ever discovered, he didn’t even want to think of how they could defend everyone on board. While they had moved most of the patients to several of the Alliance bases that were planet side, there were still a few on board that needed to be protected. 

_One in particular._

It had been a year since Hoth and Operation Salvage. Jyn still had not come out of her coma. He tiredly rubbed his forehead, running his hand through his hair. _Jyn._ She had two episodes during the past year where she flatlined and Kalonia had revived her. The last one . . . _kriff . . ._ the last one, Kalonia gave him a dark look and told him he needed to seriously think about a DNR for her. Cassian ignored her and told her that if anyone made the mistake of _not doing anything for her_ he would throw them in the spacelock. Everyone had been telling him that he needed to move on, that she should be moved to a base but he couldn’t let her go. _He could never let her go._

Draven had managed to pull some strings and had Cassian assigned to the Redemption. He had nearly been killed in an operation on Coruscant and the resulting injury left him with a promotion and permanent desk duty. He was pretty sure Draven had to call in some serious favors for his assignment. Other commanders had been clamoring for him but Draven hid him, in the middle of the galaxy, still doing intelligence work but under the pretense of running the medical carrier. 

_Coruscant._ That had been a close call. He had been refusing missions. He didn’t want to be on the other side of the galaxy if - _when_ \- she woke up. But there was more to the data she had retrieved. Files that were hidden on two planets - Coruscant being one and the other planet unknown. He and Bodhi had made a pact - that Jyn, her team and their deaths wouldn’t be in vain. So when they found out about Coruscant - they both agreed they would do it. _Whatever it takes. Until their chances were spent._

It took weeks for Draven to prepare his alias and he almost made it out of Coruscant unharmed but a former informant recognized him, ratted him out and he ended up getting several blaster bolts in the back, reinjuring his wounds from Scarif and couldn’t walk without a permanent limp. If someone had asked him two years ago about putting him on desk duty he would have cringed at the idea but Jyn’s mission, seeing his comrades dead, her nearly dead - made him wonder what he was fighting for. Jedha, Eadu and Scarif. He had been fighting for people’s futures. Now . . . he wanted to fight for his own. And Jyn’s. 

_Jyn._

The weeks and months after her mission had been a mess. Cassian couldn’t even remember the memorial service for his friends, just Bodhi crying, Shara’s rage, Leia’s coldness. He had internalized everything and had focused on Jyn, researching her condition, why she wasn’t waking up. And nobody could find one kriffin reason what was wrong with her. Not even the Guardians or Skywalker . . . 

_It had been almost two months after that fateful day. Cassian had fallen asleep in Jyn’s room, his head resting next to her hand._

_“Captain.” A soft voice waking him up from his nap. “Captain.”_

_Chirrut. Baze. He had found out later that Baze had been injured during the battle of Hoth and everyone had been scattered across the galaxy at various bases and medbays. Cassian looked up at Baze and his arm was still in a cast, but the freaking guardian still had his repeater cannon wrapped around his body, always ready for battle._

_Chirrut’s sightless gaze went to Jyn. Baze took in the scars on Jyn’s arms and the medical equipment monitoring her vitals and scowled._

_Chirrut went to Jyn’s bedside and touched her face gently, resting his palm against her cheek. “Little star,” he murmured. “Where are you right now?”_

_Cassian stiffened. His thoughts on the Force . . . he was neither here nor there with it. He believed in a higher power and Jyn . . . kriff! When he had revived her he had been so thankful that she was alive for one moment he believed in the Force. But he knew Chirrut and even Baze now were so deep in their faith and that Jyn would sit with them, meditating, often twisting her crystal, the one he now wore, when she was deep in thought and thinking of her mother._

_“Can you . . . is she . . .?” He didn’t know how to articulate it._

_Chirrut turned to Cassian, a solemn look on his face. “The Force moves differently around people and their state of mind, Captain. Jyn’s always had this brightness that moves forcefully around her - even when she’s asleep. It’s this light that just swirls and swirls around her and she glows like a star.” He turned to her, a look of concern on his face._

_Cassian swallowed, afraid to ask his next question. In a moment of desperation he had begged Skywalker when Jyn first went into her coma to do something, use whatever Force power he had to help her come out of her coma but Luke had been so overwhelmed with grief at losing Han and Chewie that he couldn’t even focus and then he had scared Cassian to death when he said that he would be toying with the dark side of the Force. Cassian had yelled at him and stormed off. Not his finest moment . . . but those days . . . he had no control. He was always in control, always knew the next move but he had lost everything and he had no idea what to do._

_“And now?” Cassian whispered, afraid to hear his answer._

_Baze grunted and Chirrut glanced at him before turning back to Jyn. He slid his hand down Jyn’s face and lightly touched her arm, humming. Cassian recognized it as the prayer Bodhi had been saying when he first saw Jyn in the bacta tank._

_“Her spirit is there Cassian but there’s . . . something . . . all I see is this cloud blocking the brightness, like a door is closed but there’s a light in the room beyond it.”_

_He turned to Cassian. “She’ll open the door when she’s ready.”_

* * *

That had been ten months ago. Cassian had been patient, stayed with Jyn every night, reading his briefs to her, giving her sponge baths, exercising her muscles. The days he couldn’t do it or when Draven sent him on a mission, Bodhi would step in and take care of her or Baze. After her last episode and ignoring the recommendation for a DNR, Dr. Kalonia had suggested she be moved to a long-term care facility and he had refused. _He needed to be close to her._ He knew he was being irrational and selfish but he was confident she would wake up _one day_ and he would be there when it happened. 

She wouldn’t wake up alone. 

Not like how she had died. 

* * *

“Major Andor?” The soldier in front of him shook him out of his thoughts. “The Princess is here.”

Cassian got up slowly from his chair, his back twinging when he stood up straight. “I’ll go meet her in the lounge by the crew’s quarters.” 

He walked down the corridor from his quarters and saw Leia, surrounded by her soldiers. He paused for a moment and took in the sight. He had been so used to seeing Han, Chewie and Skywalker around her that seeing these random strangers around her, he didn’t realize how much everything _had just changed._

He saluted her formally. “Princess.”

Leia rolled her eyes. “Cut the formalities, Andor. I think we’re past those after I saved yours and Bey’s ass from the brig last year.”

His lips quirked up in a small smile. A rare feat for him and the Princess grinned at his reaction. 

She gave him an assessing look, taking in the dark circles and the pronounced limp. “How are you, Cassian?” she asked, concern flitting across her face. 

He glanced down the corridor of the ship, were it led to the medbay, then looked back at Leia. He sat down on a bench against the hallway, leaning his head against the cool durasteel wall. “I’m okay, Leia. I . . . . just,” he shook his head, trying to avoid the emotions that were bubbling up inside him. Seeing Leia, those strange soldiers and remembering everything they lost that day was overwhelming him. 

He was surprised when he saw Leia’s eyes tear up. “Not a day goes by that I don’t miss them, Cassian. We . . .just have to keep having hope that we’ll win this war and they didn’t die in vain.”

He nodded. “I know, Leia,” he said, rubbing his hand through his hair. “I just . . . I wish she was here, that she was awake.”

Leia patted his hand. “I know Cassian. Jyn was - is,” she corrected, “a force to be reckoned with. She’ll make it, Cass, I know she will.”

He rubbed his eyes and stood up, exhaling. “So, what brings you to the Redemption? Command complaining again how I’m turning it into a battleship?”

She laughed. “You know as well as I do that I don’t give a womp rat's ass what Command thinks about what you’re doing to this ship. We can’t have our most vulnerable soldiers unprotected.” She glanced around some of the stations Cassian had installed, the gun turrets and turbolasers that were undisguised to approaching ships thanks to Bodhi’s crafty engineering skills. “I’m glad you’re doing these upgrades. It was sorely needed.”

They started walking towards the galley and she sat down while he made some caf. She took a drink and her eyes literally rolled back in her head. “Kriff Andor! What the hell are you hiding here? Battle stations, soldiers and the galaxy’s best caf? Why do I get the crap on Home One and you get this marvelous concoction? How the hell did you get the expensive stuff past Requisitions?”

Cassian laughed, his body shaking with mirth. “Bodhi’s a bit of a caf snob so he’s convinced Kay to track down all Jedhan coffee plants across the galaxy and somehow he finds a planet that also has the supplies we need and he comes back with it.” 

Leia’s eyes were wide. “Seriously? Sweet, innocent Bodhi Rook is a caf smuggler?” 

Cassian smiled. “I gave him a hard time the first time he did it. But all he had to do was have me taste it and I think I would have sold Kay for droid parts just to have another cup.”

“Han was probably the one that taught him how to smuggle.” Leia said absently.

They both quieted down, the humor dying, thinking of the fearless smuggler and his ferocious friend. 

“Cassian,” Leia said, all humor gone from her face. “We have a lead on the third data chip.”

He nearly dropped his cup of precious caf. 

“What?” he whispered. “How? Who?”

“One of our Fulcrums. He told Draven he found another lead but it could take him a couple of months. They need to build his alias before he can meet the contact.”

“Kallus?” Cassian guessed. There weren’t too many Fulcrums left after the Battle of Hoth. Cassian worried some of them had been compromised and when they didn’t hear from Kallus or Tano, they feared the worst. But then Tano called in from Lothal and Kallus . . . Kallus had taken a deep cover on Coruscant which had led to Cassian’s mission there. 

Leia nodded her head. 

“I want in Leia,” he demanded, standing up. “The minute you know where it is, I want in.” Leia poked at his ribs and he flinched in pain. 

He glared at her. “Stars! Leia! That kriffin hurt! You know I can still get the job done.” 

She shook her head. “We’re not sending you out Andor. You barely survived the last one.” 

He adamantly shook his head. “That was a fluke. Bad timing. You know I can do this, Leia. You know I have to,” he said earnestly, clutching the crystal around his neck. 

“Cassian,” she said, trying to stay calm. “I know . . . I know what you’re going through. Believe me, you don’t think I want to be out there, hunting down every single member of the Inferno Squad? You don’t think I want to just start blowing up Imperial outposts and ships to get back at them for what I lost! I hate it Cassian. I want to be fighting with the soldiers, I want to go on missions but we’re needed here.” She waved her arm around the office, at the reports, the logs, the briefings. 

He slumped down in his chair, defeated. “I know, Leia. I know. Just . . . promise me you’ll tell me once you find out.” 

She grabbed his hand and held it. “I promise Cassian.”

She looked out past his office at the corridor leading to the med bay. “Can I go visit her, Cassian? Shara . . . ,” Leia had to swallow the lump in her throat. “Shara sent me some videos of Poe and I’d like to play those for her.”

Cassian’s heart stuttered as he thought of Shara Bey. Aside from punching Draven in the face, which Cassian heard a few soldiers gave her priority on the fuel lines now for it, she had gone through her pregnancy with grace and patience and when little Poe was born, it was as if all the darkness from Kes’s death had been taken out of her and replaced with happiness and light. He was barely eight months old and Cassian knew this kid . . . this kid was the reason why they fought. 

Cassian rubbed furiously at his eyes. Damn space air was so dry his eyes were tearing up. He coughed and looked down, nodding his head. “I’ll take you to her.”

They started walking down the corridor to the med bay when several medical personnel ran by Cassian, their chronos beeping furiously. 

Cassian’s heart lurched. The Redemption only had one patient that would require that kind of response. 

_Jyn. No!_

Leia started running down the hall and Cassian followed after, panic and fear overriding the pain in his back from running. They stumbled into her room where it was pure chaos - her machines were furiously beeping, Chirrut was chanting over Jyn, Bodhi’s eyes were anxious, Baze was standing in the corner observing everything and Dr. Kalonia was injecting Jyn with what appeared to be a stimulant. 

Cassian stared at Jyn then back at Kalonia. “Did she . . . did she have another episode?” Dr. Kalonia shook her head and glared at Chirrut who had stopped chanting and was sitting quietly in the corner, holding Jyn’s hand. 

“Somehow I was commed before her vitals dropped - which can someone please explain to me scientifically how a blind man can comm me and tell me I need to see my patient who hasn’t even coded yet?” she shouted to everyone in the room. 

Everyone stayed quiet and Chirrut’s smirk fueled her irritation past the point of no return. 

“Everyone _out_! Andor - you stay!”

All the medical personnel looked down and scurried out of the room. Even Leia, walked meekly out of the room.

Kalonia took a deep breath. “I’m sorry Cassian. I didn’t mean to yell . . . but really . . . one of these days, you’re going to have to explain Chirrut to me.”

Cassian smiled faintly then went to Jyn’s bed, and cupped her face. She looked paler than usual, dark circles forming under her translucent skin. His eyes raked over her thin body, her skinny arms and pale face.

_She would hate to be this weak. To have people constantly taking care of her. She would hate me for doing this to her. Making her a burden._

But she wasn’t a burden. Not to him. 

He turned to Dr. Kalonia, a look of distress on his face. “She’s not improving, is she, Doc?”

Kalonia shook her head. “Cassian,” she said softly. “Her vitals are weakening. Each episode drains whatever strength she has and she gets weaker. I’m not too sure how . . . how much longer she can survive without the help of a machine.”

Cassian blinked, trying to comprehend the situation. She was supposed to wake up. She should be up and alive and vibrant and kicking the Empire’s ass. He already knew what the doctor was going to say next. 

“And I think deep down you don’t want that for her,” she said quietly. 

Cassian stared at Jyn and he remembered when he first met her, the attitude and the blind fury. How she fought a platoon of stormtroopers with nothing but a blaster - _his blaster -_ and a pair of truncheons. She was so full of life and brightness. And she was here, pale, a shell of her former self, stuck in a medical bed, all life draining out of her.

He shook his head and blinked, a small tear rolling down his cheek. “I don’t,” he admitted, a lump forming in his throat that he couldn’t force back down. He turned to look at Dr. Kalonia and the doctor nearly gasped at the pure agony on his face. “But I don’t know how to let her go. I told her I would always come back for her.” His hand tightly clutched her crystal until it wore an indent into his palm. “I can’t. I can’t leave her,” he said, his eyes pleading with the doctor. 

Kalonia nodded her head. “I understand. We’ll do whatever we can to keep her off the machines.”

She started to leave but then turned towards him, a soft look in her eyes. "Major Andor, you might want to start preparing for the alternative,” she said quietly.

Chirrut, Leia, Baze and Bodhi walked back into the room. They could see Cassian’s shoulders shaking and they started to walk back out but then he called for Chirrut and they stayed still while Chirrut moved to sit down next to Cassian. 

“I don’t _understand_ ,” he whispered, his eyes wet, as he looked at Chirrut. “ . . . I thought she would come out of this. Why? Where is she. . . she needs help. I can’t . . . _l can’t let her go_.” 

Then Cassian laid his head down in Chirrut’s lap and started sobbing.

They stayed there quietly, waiting for Cassian to calm down. Chirrut was petting Cassian’s hair, whispering the Jedhan prayer he would often say with Baze and Bodhi. Leia had gone to the other side of Jyn’s bed and was gently brushing her hair. 

Chirrut suddenly turned to Leia, his milky blue eyes sharp with clarity. 

“Your highness. Your brother is here, could you go meet him?” Cassian lifted his head up, a confused look on his face. “Skywalker’s here? How, who?” Cassian remembered the last time they “talked” and they both had been actively avoiding each other. 

“Luke’s here?” Bodhi squeaked out and Cassian gave him a perplexed look, vaguely remembering a rumor he heard about the two of them. _Hmm so it is true then judging by the blush on Bodhi’s cheeks._

“Yes,” Chirrut responded to both of them. “I contacted him a couple of days ago.”

Cassian sat up, and wiped at his eyes with his sleeves while the others looked discreetly away to give him a few moments to compose himself.

Then Chirrut stood up with a flourish and caught the cane Baze threw his way. 

“It’s about time we tried to get Jyn back.”

Cassian nearly regained a sense of hope but then the ship lurched and Cassian grabbed on to Jyn’s bed to prevent himself from falling. 

“What -”

He heard a loud explosion and Chirrut turned to Baze. “We have other visitors as well. Baze, be a dear and get the weapons.”

It was an Imperial Tartan Class Patrol Cruiser. The Empire had been using them to board ships, assess fines, anything they could to keep their power in the galaxy. The Redemption was registered as a transport vessel and he knew the minute troopers boarded the ship it would be painfully obvious it wasn’t a transport ship. He could try and talk his way out of it or they could fight. He had soldiers on board, _kriff he had the karking princess on board._

“Cassian maybe if I intercept them,” Leia started . . .

“NO!” Everyone shouted at Leia. Cassian opened up his datapad to access the ship’s communications system. He saw Skywalker walking through the corridors, his figure shrouded in his Jedi robes. He was close to the escape shuttles, discreetly avoiding the troopers boarding. Cassian switched to the bay of the Redemption. Troopers were already crowding the landing bay and their blasters were out. He shut the door to the landing bay to give them time to get to their stations. 

“Leia, I don’t think they want to talk. Those blasters aren’t set to stun.”

The beeping on Jyn’s monitors drew him back to her. He needed to keep her and Leia safe. Those were the priorities. 

“Bodhi, Chirrut. Take Jyn and Leia to the transports.” Leia started to object but he cut her off. “No. Leia! We can’t risk you. Those troopers will recognize you the minute they see you. Plus I need you to help Bodhi keep Jyn safe.”

Cassian looked at Baze. “I’m with you little brother.” He nodded back at Baze. “You’re with me.”

Cassian went out into the med center. “Kalonia, take your staff and start heading to the pods now. The troopers are on the other side of the ship and you have time to get there safely.” 

He looked down at his datapad again. Kriff. Death Troopers. The welcoming party had arrived. He pinched the bridge of his nose. He needed to protect the ship but most of all he had to protect the people on it. He was the commanding officer in charge and it was his responsibility. A look of resolve crossed his face and he grabbed Jyn’s crystal from his neck and moved to tie it around her neck. Bodhi’s eyes went wide when he saw what Cassian was doing. “No, Cassian. No! You’ll make it. You give it to her yourself” Cassian shook his head at Bodhi. “Just in case, Bodhi. When she wakes up, she’ll want this. I need to make sure she has this. It’ll be the only thing she has left.”

Bodhi already understood Cassian’s unspoken words. _If I don’t make it back._

Chirrut touched the crystal and gently pressed it against her chest. He began murmuring a prayer and Cassian wasn’t too sure if he imagined it but he could have sworn he saw her heart rate spike on the monitors. He was about to look at the machine when another explosion rocked him against the bed. 

_Kriff!_ He looked at the comms and the landing bay door had been blown open. _Kriff. Kriff. Kriff._

They strapped Jyn into her bed and pushed in the legs for it to hover. Baze was back with the weapons and he noticed Leia stuff a bunch of weapons in her robes. 

_Crafty girl. No wonder why her and Solo had got along so well._

Chirrut took the front of the bed, his hand resting gently on her crystal as he kept his eyes closed in prayer. 

Cassian watched them walk down the hall until they were out of sight. 

_Please keep them safe. Someone, please, just keep them safe_. Then he and Baze ran towards the landing bay.   
  


* * *

Bodhi led the group to the transport pods but Chirrut held his staff out, stopping Bodhi from turning the corner. “What the kriff, Chirrut? We need to get to -”

Then he saw it. Or rather them. 

Troopers. Flanking all the transport shuttles. 

Chirrut held his finger to his lips, motioning for them to be quiet. Leia grabbed a blaster and Bodhi briefly wondered where the hell she got it from. Chirrut pulled out his lightbows and started arming them. Bodhi looked down at his waist, nothing. He belatedly realized he should have grabbed a blaster when Baze had been arming everyone. 

“Here.” He caught the blaster Leia tossed at him. _How many blasters did that woman own?_

“We need a distraction,” Bodhi whispered. 

“Got one right here,” Leia said, pulling a couple of thermal detonators out of her robes.  
  
“The minute I throw these, we run. Got it?” Leia said, peeking around the corner, then back at the group. She flexed her arm and was about to throw the grenade when they heard the mechanical wheeze of a Stormtrooper. 

“Stop. Drop the weapon or I shoot!”

They slowly turned around and came face to face with several troopers, their blasters pointed at them, one in particular had a red spot lined on Jyn’s forehead. 

Bodhi saw it and turned red with rage. He ran in front of Jyn’s bed and yelled, “Stop, stop! She’s hurt, she can’t hurt anyone, leave her alone.” He begged, covering Jyn with his body. 

One of the 'troopers walked up to Bodhi and hit him in the ribs with his blaster. “Enough, rebel scum!” He hit Bodhi again and Bodhi fell to his side in pain. He was fairly certain his ribs were cracked. 

“You there,” one of the 'troopers yelled, pointing at Leia. “Drop it or we shoot.” 

Leia looked at Chirrut who hadn’t said a word. She had heard the old man was a terror to fight with, heard stories that he took down thirty stormtroopers with his staff alone. But he had been quiet, not moving a muscle. 

Now she knew why. 

His eyes were closed and his hand was still resting on Jyn and he was in prayer. 

Leia had to give it to the Guardians. They sure knew how to pray. 

At the worst kriffin time ever. 

Leia’s hand twitched. They were outnumbered. The trooper raised his blaster and pointed it at Leia, the one that had been beating Bodhi raised his weapon again to hit him with it. A trooper had his blaster pointed right at Chirrut’s chest. 

_So this is how the last Princess of Alderaan was going to go down._

Then she felt it - before she heard it. _Luke._ She turned and all the bodies of the stormtroopers guarding the shuttles were lying carelessly on the ground. Their necks at odd angles, dead. Luke was there and she could see the fear in his eyes, could feel the thoughts running through his head. She saw Han and Chewie and remembered them all laughing and hugging after the Battle of Yavin and how happy they were. Then she saw his thoughts turn to fear, the agony he went through when he found out Han and Chewie died. She saw - _no she felt -_ his fear now. The loves of his life in danger. 

She reached out to Luke, pushing out to him, trying to get him to feel her reassurances. _No Luke. Not anger, not fear. Protect. Survive. Create. Love._

Luke raised his hands and thrust forward. Leia felt a warm wave hit her softly, moving her, Chirrut and Bodhi out of harm’s reach. The troopers violently twisted in the air, their necks cracking at an odd angle. 

Leia felt the detonator roll out of her hand and the explosion was the last thing she saw before she blacked out. 

* * *

Cassian and Baze didn’t even have a chance to make it to the command center before they were apprehended by stormtroopers. 

“I don’t think we’re getting out of this one little brother,” Baze remarked calmly to Cassian as they cuffed their wrists behind their backs.

“Ya think Baze?” Cassian hissed. Kriff. This was not good. Cassian instinctively felt around his mouth for the lullaby that used to hide in an empty crown. He was so used to depending on it, an added comfort in case he was ever caught that he had forgotten both him and Jyn had agreed no more. 

_It was after a particularly harrowing mission. Cassian had nearly been captured and Jyn caught him fiddling with his coat pocket at the last minute. The minute they landed on base and were in Cassian’s quarters, Jyn ripped it out of his jacket and threw it on the ground stomping it out with her boot. “What the hell, Cassian? We promised each other we’d never leave and you still carry this around? Don’t you know I’ll always come back for you?”_

_“Jyn! You don’t understand. If we’re ever caught together, they’ll use you against me. Hurt you. Torture you. Force knows what else. No way, Jyn. I’m not putting you through that.”_

_She glared green lasers at him. “I DON’T CARE! This -” she yelled, kicking at the dust the pill made on the floor. “THIS IS NOT AN OPTION.” She took a deep breath and Cassian could see her trying to control her temper. “Cass,” she said, softly. “You’re not alone anymore. You have me. Bodhi. Chirrut. Baze. It’s not just about you anymore. You can’t think you’re all alone. I don’t want you to die alone.” Tears started streaming down her face and he instantly went to her and hugged her tightly and apologized. “I’m sorry, Jyn. I’m so sorry. We’ll figure this out.”_

_He went the next day to have his secondary pill taken out of his tooth._

“Captain!” Baze hissed. “I’m going to cut your tongue with my rusty vibroblade if you even think about fucking with your teeth.”

Cassian glared at Baze. “It’s not . . . it’s not what you think. It’s not there . . . anymore.” 

Baze nodded his head in approval and bent his head down, whispering a prayer. 

“Really?” Cassian whispered, “you pray now?” _Kriff, we must really be screwed._

The ‘trooper behind Cassian hit him with his blaster in the rib, ordering him to shut up. They were escorted to the command center where an Imperial commander was standing over the comms, hands waiting patiently behind his back. The 'troopers fell back behind Cassian and Baze, kicking at their knees forcing them to kneel, and Cassian could feel the cool metal of their blasters against the back of their heads. 

Cassian had been in _some_ predicaments before. Some true life and death scenarios but he had never been this close to dying at enemy hands. “I’m sorry, Baze,” he whispered. 

Baze simply grunted. “We’ll have help soon,” Baze said. 

“Tell me where the Princess is?” the general ordered. 

Cassian shrugged his shoulders and his head met the wrong end of the blaster, the general lashing out with it. _If he could just stall for time. Maybe Baze was right._

“This is the last time I’m going to ask. Where’s the Princess?”

Cassian stayed quiet. The general brought up his blaster to Cassian’s forehead. Cassian looked him straight in the eye. Cassian’s last thoughts as he prepared to welcome his death were of Jyn. _I’m sorry Jyn. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me._

He could feel the charge of the blaster, the hum of it vibrating against his skull. He could hear the telltale click the trigger made as the general tensed his muscle to pull the trigger . . .

**BOOM!!**

His body shook forward and he fell flat on his face as an explosion went off and his ears were ringing and his eyes were on fire as they were filled with smoke and dust and ashes. He could hear the tell tale sound of blaster fire, could see the plasma bolts firing through the smoky air. Then he heard the sound of truncheons unlocking and the sound of metal hitting armor, metal hitting unprotected body parts, could hear the sounds of necks cracking and people dying. 

There was only one person that could cause that kind of chaos. 

He stayed on the ground, lying still and waited for the smoke to clear. The cuffs had broken off from his wrists during the explosion and he rubbed at his wrists, trying to get circulation back into them. His eyes burned and tears leaked out of his eyes as a figure emerged from the smoke, blood dripping down her face, truncheons in her hands. 

_Jyn._

She stood there like an angel from the stars, staring at the dead bodies around her, a look of uncertainty on her face. 

“Jyn,” Cassian whispered. “Jyn?” She whirled and looked at him and he stared at her. She looked down at her hands that were dripping with blood and he had never seen her look so lost and confused. _How? What? He had no idea if this was real or if the bomb really did kill him and he was with her now. But he just wanted to be with her. That’s all he wanted was her._

“Cassian?” she said, and he ran to her and _by Force, this was her. She was real and her body was flesh and blood and not a figment of his imagination._ “Jyn!” He exclaimed and he picked her up and hugged her tight to him, burying his head in her neck. “Jyn! What? Where? What happened?” He stepped back from her to look at her and she stared back at him and cupped his chin in her palm, “Cassian,” she whispered. “I want to go home.” Then her eyes rolled back and she collapsed in his arms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I know Baze calls Cassian “Captain” even though Cassian’s a major now but we’re gonna go with the idea that the Guardians aren’t much for rank. “Major” just doesn’t sound right coming from them.
> 
> Song that I listened to over and over while writing this chapter was [Sacrifice by Christopher Beck](https://youtu.be/C0a9b2ucnrU)


	6. Come to Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting a bit early - felt bad for leaving everyone hanging after that last cliffy.

“Jyn,” Cassian cried out. “No, no, wake up, not again,” he pleaded with her. “Not again.” He gently shook her and turned her neck from right to left, checking for injuries. “No Jyn, wake up. Please!” he begged, cradling her in his arms. “Don’t go back to sleep.”

He breathed a sigh of relief when Jyn let out a soft snore and turned into his arms. 

_Thank the Force._

Cassian looked around at the fallen troopers and finally noticed Baze starting to wake up. He had been thrown from the blast Jyn had made - _Cassian didn’t even want to know how she did it -_ and was stretching his body like a big Tooka lion. _Of course he would wake up now._

Baze blinked at Cassian and then noticed Jyn in his arms. A wide grin spread across his face. “Little sister! I should have known that blast was coming from her.”

“Who else could it have been?” Cassian turned around and saw Chirrut, Leia, Bodhi and Luke all walking towards them. They all looked roughed up, dirt and soot on their clothes. Cassian noticed Bodhi was helping to carry Luke, who looked a bit worse for the wear. 

“I take it the shuttles were blocked?” Cassian asked Leia. 

She nodded her head, staring curiously at Jyn. 

“Troopers?” Cassian asked. 

“Spaced.” Leia said, a bit too calmly. Luke blanched. “I’ll have the crew take care of the ones here,” Leia added, nodding to the Death Troopers strewn around the floor. 

Chirrut came up to Jyn and placed his hand over her head, eyes closed. Cassian looked at him nervously wondering if he was sensing something he couldn’t. She was breathing differently now than when she was in a coma. Deep heavy breaths. Her coma breaths had been light, barely detectable, where Cassian sometimes had to check her stomach to see the rise and fall of her belly to make sure she was breathing. 

“She’s okay, little brother. She’s with us now,” Chirrut said, but Cassian noticed the small wrinkle that creased the blind man’s forehead. Before he could ask Chirrut, he was interrupted by a shout coming from the main corridor of the ship.

“ANDOR! Why am I missing a patient?” Cassian turned around and saw Dr. Kalonia, angrily marching towards him with her team of medics. 

“I ordered you to evacuate.” Cassian said. 

“And I knew your nerf herding ass would need my help so we hid in the stowaway compartments Rook installed that he thinks no one knows about.”

Cassian glared at Bodhi who simply shrugged his shoulders.

Kalonia focused her attention on Jyn and knelt down next to Cassian, pulling out her scanner. She eyed Chirrut and then shook her head wearily. “I don’t even want to know. Get her to the med bay and I’ll examine her. Then get the rest of this-” she nodded to the dead troopers, “taken care of and go to the nearest base. I’m tired of being in space.” She marched off and Cassian scooped Jyn up and limped after her. 

* * *

He woke up to the feeling of fingers softly carding through his hair, as if they were afraid to wake him up. He had fallen asleep, his head laying on Jyn’s bed, his back bent at an awkward angle. 

He looked up and saw the most beautiful sight.

Jyn was awake. 

She was looking at him, her gaze quietly taking in his appearance and he was too scared to speak, worrying he was dreaming or having a nightmare and that she never woke up. 

“Hi,” he whispered, gently grabbing her hand and bringing it to his face. He had to make sure this was real, that she was awake. That he was awake. 

“Cassian,” she said softly, as if she was testing out the feel of his name on her lips. “I . . . where . . . are we?” She looked around and while he could tell she knew she was in a medbay, she didn’t recognize it. 

He closed his eyes, dreading what he had to tell her next. Kalonia wasn’t too sure how well her memories would recover or if she had long lasting trauma from when she hit her head. 

“Jyn . . . what . . . do you remember?” He asked her gently, worrying she wouldn’t even remember the mission.

She squeezed her eyes shut and he could see her trying so hard to compose her emotions. A small tear rolled down her cheek. “The mission. We were compromised. Did . . . am I the only one?” she asked Cassian. 

He nodded. “I’m sorry, Jyn. I’m so sorry. I barely got there in time. Had I known, had Draven told me the risk, I never would have let you go.”

Jyn huffed out a bitter laugh. “Would you have been able to stop me?”

“No one can stop you,” he answered honestly. 

She nodded, agreeing. “I take it we’re not on Hoth?” she observed, noticing his lack of warm clothes. 

Cassian sighed. This part was going to be hard. “Jyn . . . we have a lot to talk about. Are you up for it?” 

She nodded her head solemnly. 

Cassian told her. About Hoth, about the soldiers that died, about the data she retrieved, about the Rebellion, how they were fighting hard and dirty and they were making small chips in the Empire’s defenses, how planets were aligning to the cause. He told her she had been in a coma for a year and she had given him a weird look. _A year, Jyn asked?_ He told her about Shara and Poe and showed her a holovid of Poe and when she said he looked like Kes, she finally let out the tears she had been holding in and Cassian had to soothe her until she fell back asleep. 

He watched her anxiously while she slept. He didn’t want her to sleep - he was so worried she wouldn’t come back again and he knew he was an awful person for thinking that but _kriff,_ he had nearly lost her and he just wanted her awake, next to him, teasing Bodhi or even mouthing off at Draven. 

She was curled up on her side, still sleeping, when Bodhi came to check in on her, disappointed that she was asleep again.

“It’s a lot to handle Bodes. She’s been out of action for a year. So much has happened since then,” Cassian explained. 

Luke peeked his head around the door and stood there hesitantly, waiting for Cassian to acknowledge him. 

Cassian was stubborn but he was always the first to admit when he was wrong. “I owe you an apology. I should have never . . . questioned your . . . uh . . . abilities.” Luke smiled brightly at Cassian. “It’s okay, Cassian. I . . . we were all going through a tough time back then. I’m just glad we finally have a happy ending,” he said, motioning to Jyn. 

Cassian looked at Jyn and he hoped for the same thing. 

* * *

The rebel base they landed at was located on Akiva, a planet in the Outer rim. After Hoth, the Alliance established several small bases to avoid the large losses they experienced at Hoth.

A familiar figure greeted him when they landed.

“Jyn Erso. I see you’re done taking your nap.”

Cassian swore the droid was using air quotes when he said “nap.”

“Target practice! Why don’t you stick a wrench up your as-”

“Jyn!” Cassian admonished. He shook his head and couldn’t help but grin. It felt so good to have her back. 

Kay eyed Jyn and noticed how she was leaning heavily on Cassian. 

“There’s a high probability she’s going to hurt you if you continue to carry her. Do I need to carry her for you?

Both Jyn and Cassian responded with an emphatic “No!”

“Suit yourself,” Kay said and stomped off. He had been on Akiva for the last year. Kay preferred being on ships with a purpose, that were going on missions and being on a medical ship simply wasn’t “a good use of his superior skills.”

Cassian had tried to keep Jyn in the med bed but she was being stubborn and insisted she could walk. When she started to get up, she had lost her balance and would’ve fallen if Bodhi hadn’t been right there to catch her. 

Cassian had wanted to carry her (bad back and all) but she had insisted she could walk but was leaning heavily on him. 

“It’s fine, Kay, we have her.” Cassian said, thumping Kay on the chest as he walked by. “The ship got a bit damaged. Can you do an assessment so we can start work on fixing it. Also, if you can get our room assignments that would be great.” 

Kay started to object but Cassian was too focused on getting Jyn to the medbay that he didn’t even notice.

* * *

“Well . . . I think you can be officially released from the medbay, Jyn,” Dr. Kalonia said, looking at her chrono. “Your scans came back fine, memory is good, your body has healed. We just need you to start building the muscle you lost while on ‘bed rest’ but take it easy,” she warned, “you need to get your stamina back up. Frankly I don't even know how you made it from the ship's medbay to the landing bay on the Redemption.” She eyed Jyn curiously as she looked back over her chart. 

Jyn shrugged her shoulders and picked at her cuticles. 

Cassian noticed Jyn avoided Dr. Kalonia’s unasked question but figured he would get it out of her later. He had so many questions about what happened on the Redemption but those were for Chirrut. _Like how the hell did she wake up?_

Cassian smiled at Dr. Kalonia and thanked her shyly. The doctor had been good to him this past year and had put up with his crankiness. The doctor got a little flustered at his smile and the thank you. She didn’t think the man could smile - all she saw was the broody face and frowns the past year. But oh his smile - _whew. Now she knew why the comm techs talked about him the way they did._

“No need to thank me Cassian. I just don’t want to see the two of you back here for a long time.”

They walked back to their quarters and Cassian punched in his code half expecting Jyn to slice her way through it. Instead she was gazing down the corridor towards the window at the end. She slid out of Cassian’s hold and walked towards it, peering outside. The planet they were on was a jungle planet but it was that time of year where the planet was turned from its sun and the humidity and heat wasn’t as bad as Yavin. 

Cassian watched as she looked out the window, wondering what caught her attention. Aside from her flare up at Kay - which was expected - she had been oddly quiet. Cassian hadn’t wanted to pester her with questions although he was burning with needing to know. What happened on that mission? Her coma - did she dream? Did she have nightmares? The days before Algor they had both sought comfort from the nightmares of Scarif, nightmares of their past. Had she been stuck in one unable to wake up? He hated to think what she was going through that year, locked in sleep. 

Jyn looked back at him and she had a blank look in her eyes, and then she blinked and motioned with her hand for him to go inside _their_ room. 

He looked at her thoughtfully and went in, ignoring the absence of her by his side. 

* * *

He walked out of the fresher, hair dripping with a towel wrapped around his waist. He stopped abruptly when he saw Jyn in the room, staring out the small window next to the bunk. 

“This is a nice base,” she mused. “Beds suck but there’s room.” She glanced at Cassian as he went to his trunk, grabbing some clothes. She looked him over and he froze when he realized she probably was noting the new scars on his back.

“I was wondering why you were limping,” she remarked. 

He turned towards her and gave her a half-smile. “Mission,” he said. “Coruscant.” Then he grinned at her and said, “you should see how the other guy looks now.” She huffed out a laugh and pulled him towards her, her fingers dancing lightly across his stomach. She was staring at him abstractedly, her gaze focused on his stomach and he sucked in a breath when she looked up at him, her eyes wide, emotions he couldn’t even name reflected back in them. 

“I missed you,” he whispered. “So much, Jyn. You really scared the hell out of me.”

Her eyes glanced towards the window and then turned to him. “I’m here now,” she said simply, shrugging her shoulders. She pulled him towards her and kissed him and he tightened his arms around her holding her close. He closed his eyes and breathed her in and she smelled like Jyn - like wild sunflowers and burning cedar. It felt so good to hold her, to be near her, living and breathing and alive, that he didn’t notice how she looked back out the window, a look of sadness crossing her face. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a transition chapter. 
> 
> I totally dig the idea of Bodhi being this sweet, innocent pilot but then is this secret smuggler that only a few people know about. He only smuggles treats though - like coffee or sweets.


	7. Guilt and Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian tries to help Jyn deal with her guilt. Draven wants answers from Algor.

_He was back on Algor and the image kept replaying back in his mind - Jyn floating in the water and not breathing, him running, dodging trees, branches, rocks trying to get to her. He sees Kes’s dead body, Melshi and Tonc dead, hanging from a cliff. He ignores them - it’s too late. But he can save her. He always goes back for her. He drags her body out of the water, tries to save her, presses his lips against her cold, blue ones, tries to breath life into her, but instead of her waking up, coughing, he can’t stop the bleeding, can’t stop her from dying, her lifeless eyes staring at the sky,_

_He turns to Kay, begging him to help but it’s too late._

_She’s dead._

Cassian woke up, startled, disoriented. He ran his hand through his hair and breathed deeply, trying to calm his racing, broken heart. It had been awhile since he had the Algor dream or rather the _Algor nightmare._ Dreams were Jyn awake, alive and breathing and happy. His nightmares - _kriff_ \- his nightmares were her dying, her leaving him, her not being there. 

He turned to reach for her, to assure him that she was still there and found the bed empty. He looked at the chrono and noticed the time. It was the middle of the night, a couple of hours out from Akiva’s moons setting and sun rising. Her pillow still felt warm from her body heat. It had been a month since she woke up. One month and every night as if his subconscious was missing her presence, he would wake up in the middle of the night to find their bed empty. He knew where she went - when she came back to the room, sweaty, in her workout gear, he figured she was at the base gym or running around the perimeters. She would shower, then slip quietly back into bed with him and wake up a few hours later. He knew it wasn’t healthy for her - she wasn’t getting enough sleep - he could tell by the dark circles under her eyes, how she was withdrawn during the day. He had tried talking to her about it but she had said she was fine, just trying to get back into shape. 

He had been tiptoeing around her lately. He didn’t want to press her or make her talk about what was bothering her. He had an idea what it was but he had a feeling something else was bothering her too. He had seen her experience guilt, the rage she felt after Scarif when only a few of them returned, the anger she directed at the Alliance council for not supporting the mission. He saw how she broke down when Alderaan was obliterated, how she turned to him and they held each other tightly, both thinking that it was their fault, that they had been too late. 

But this . . . this feeling of guilt, of surviving, of being the only one alive from your team. He had been through it plenty of times, had suffered over the soldiers he had to leave behind, the people he left on war-torn planets that begged him for help. He knew what guilt felt like and he knew what it looked like on Jyn. But this time was different. 

Jyn was quiet now. She was always the first to jump in and share her feelings. With her, everything was no holds barred. He always knew what kind of mood Jyn was in because she could never hide the emotions in her eyes. Her eyes that would burn bright with fury or shine with happiness or become muted with sadness. But her eyes lately held nothing. It was as if her face was a blank slate and she was so afraid to show her emotions, she just showed nothing at all. He knew she joked about his spy face, the one he put on in front of others, hiding his feelings but now . . . it was as if the student had overcome the master because now . . . with Jyn . . . She showed nothing. And that’s what frightened him the most. 

He yawned and rubbed his eyes. Jyn’s nocturnal activities were messing up his sleep patterns too. He remembered . . . before everything happened, how well they slept together. How they would seek comfort in each other’s arms. How his first full night of peaceful sleep since he was six was the first night he slept with her. He bent down to pull on his clothes and boots. He had been letting it go, not wanting to push her, crowd her, afraid she would internalize her emotions even more, but he needed to talk to her. He got up from the bed, determined they would hash this out.

“Have you seen Sargeant Erso, Private?” 

The soldier on guard duty yawned and then flushed, worried he would get in trouble for not being entirely alert. 

“She was here earlier Major but when we couldn’t see her, I had to send out a few soldiers to go find her. Caught her resting by the lake about five clicks out.” 

_Kriff she was by water. The last time she was by water -_

“She told us she was fine but base regs, Major. Can’t leave her there with the wildlife, ya know.”

Cassian frowned. “She left willingly?” Jyn wasn’t one to follow orders . . . or warnings. Especially from baby soldiers. 

The soldier shrugged his shoulders. “Well she threatened us with her vibroblade - which I noticed isn’t regulation sir. How did she get that past Acquisitions?”

“Private,” Cassian said impatiently. “About Sergeant Erso?” 

“Well after she threatened us with those non regulation blades of hers -” (which Cassian noted he sounded quite peeved about) - “one of the corporals threatened to comm you-” (Cassian doubted he was enough to make Jyn listen) “and Lieutenant Rook and she took off.”

Cassian’s spy training came back to him as he made a mental note - Bodhi was her weakness. 

“Which direction, Private?”

The soldier pointed back to the base. “She still looked a little put off. I imagine she’s at the gym. Sarge needs to work out some of that aggression, sir.”

Cassian gave him a dark look and the soldier’s boldness faded away to fear. “I’ll uh . . . get back to my tower . . .uh . . . sir.”

Cassian nodded at him, dismissing him. “You might want to think of grabbing caf before your shifts, Private. Wouldn’t want the Commander to think you’re sleeping on the job.”

Which was Cassian’s way of telling him that he was never there. 

Cassian didn’t realize the base had several gyms. Now he knew why Draven was always grumbling about Akiva being some kind of resort and muttering words like Scarif under his breath. Cassian could see why. The first gym he went to was the main one - workout equipment, weights, blaster training. There was even an indoor pool that generated waves to train soldiers for missions on water planets. He vaguely wondered where the Rebellion was getting the credits from but remembered overhearing a brief conversation between Draven and Cracken that they had used one of Jyn’s slicing jobs to siphon credits off of Imperial financial transactions. The amount was small - a tenth of a credit but once you add up all the transactions the Empire ran across the galaxy - the Rebellion was doing pretty well - _financially -_ on their dime. 

He peered inside the gym and didn’t see Jyn inside. He tried another gym on one of the sub levels. This one was for the runners, the endurance soldiers, the ones who had to run or walk long distances with nothing but weights on their soldiers. It had every obstacle course imaginable, anything a soldier would need to train on any planet for any situation. 

No Jyn.

He sighed deeply. He should’ve known she’d be in the base’s original gym. The one that was cobbled together when the Alliance was broke and still trying to build. It was in a far corner on one of the upper levels of the base. There was no fancy equipment but just punching bags in all shapes, forms and sizes. It was a modest sized room but since it was on one of the upper levels, a window had been installed where you could see out the perimeter of the base and beyond. 

He heard her before he saw her as he walked down the hall. The sounds of fists furiously hitting wound cloth, the grunts as she landed on a target. Even though he heard her, he still wasn’t prepared for what he saw. 

Jyn. 

Tears streamed down her face as she punched and punched at the bag. Her arms moving in a rhythm and hitting harder and harder until she knocked the bag off its hook and she crumpled to the floor, out of breath, drawing her knees into her, burying her face into her legs, crying. 

He hated to see her like this. 

_Hurting_. 

He didn’t know what to do. How to help her. He thought he knew what she was going through. They had lost soldiers before, had near brushes with death but this . . . losing close friends, loved ones. Losing a year of her life. He didn’t know how to help her come back from this. He wanted her to smile at him, he wanted her to brush off Algor like lint on her clothes and call it just another mission. He wanted her to come back to him, her smile, her brightness. He just wanted her to be happy - or as happy as they could be fighting this war - but he sensed she wasn’t, that something was sucking the life out of her and he didn’t know how to stop the bleeding. 

All of a sudden her head darted up and she looked at him, her green eyes glimmering with more tears. He waited at the door, hesitant to intrude. Obviously she needed this time by herself and he didn’t want her to retreat more from him. He waited for her to invite him in and her mouth turned into a small smile and she motioned her head to the side. He sat down next to her and pulled her close to him. 

“You okay?” he asked quietly, kissing the top of her head. Her hair was damp from sweat and he could feel her body coiled with tension. She turned to look up at him and he could tell she wanted to lie, to tell him that she was fine but instead her lips trembled, and her eyes filled with tears. “No . . ,” she whispered. “I . . . can’t . . . I don’t know how . . .” He could tell she was trying to get the words out, that she was trying to talk to him but it was bringing nothing but pain for her. 

He pulled her tighter to him. “Shh . . . shh . . . it’s okay, Jyn. It’s going to be okay. You don’t have to tell me anything.”

He whispered over and over to her, trying to soothe her, until her shaking stopped and she fell asleep, her head on his chest, knees drawn up and turned towards him. He closed his eyes and rested his head against hers and the steady beat of her heart against his lulled him into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

He woke up with an ache in his neck and Jyn was still sleeping peacefully next to him. He needed to move, to stretch his aching muscles but he hated to wake her up. The sun was starting to rise and she looked so beautiful in the soft glow of the morning light. She was slowly starting to get some color back into her face and he could see the lean muscles forming in her arms. He bit down on his lip trying to tamp down his emotions. That year . . . fuck . . . that year she was in a coma, he had brief moments of despair . . . when he thought she was never coming back and he would sit at her bedside and stare at her for hours, praying, begging for her to wake up. He vaguely remembered episodes where he refused to leave her side, especially those times when they almost lost her and Bodhi or Baze would have to drag him from her bedside so he could rest. He was so lucky to have her back that these moments, when he woke up first and could just simply look at her and know that she would wake up . . . they were the most precious gift she could give him. 

Her hands were tucked into his shirt and he slowly ran his fingers down the side of her face, tucking a wild strand of hair behind her ear. He could tell the minute she started to wake up, her eyelids started fluttering and her grip on his shirt loosened then tightened up again. 

“I know you’re playing possum,” he whispered against her cheek. 

“It’s too early,” she mumbled, her eyes still closed. “Jyn,” he said, slowly rubbing her shoulder. “We need to get back to our room before the new recruits come to start their training in here.” 

Her eyes flew open and she immediately stiffened up. He could tell she had forgotten where they were. He stayed still, giving her an encouraging smile, worried she would be embarrassed about breaking down in front of him the previous night. 

“Jyn?”

She looked out the window at the sun rising and for a moment he thought of Scarif, when they were on the beach and he thought they were both going to die, how she was as bright as the sun and if he could die basking in her brightness, he would die every day with her. 

She looked at him and brought her hand up to his face, running her palm down his cheek till she cupped his chin towards her. 

“I’m sorry about last night,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean . . . I’m . . .,” she was struggling again.

“You know it’s not you, right? Cassian?” she blurted out suddenly, clutching his face with both of her hands. “I . . .” She waved between the two of them and to his surprise hugged him fiercely. “It’s me.”

He shook his head at her and pulled back from her arms, looking directly at her. “Jyn,” he said firmly. “It’s okay. Don’t put this on you. We lost a lot and you lost more. You never need to apologize to me. Don’t ever think you need to.” She looked up at him and he could see the storm of emotions in her eyes, like a candle in the wind, flickering and flickering until it either died out or flared to life. He stared at her until she finally, finally managed a small, shy smile. She nodded her head at him slowly and he pulled her to him, her small and still frail body melting in his embrace. “Okay,” she whispered. “Okay.”

They walked back to their quarters when his comm went off and he frowned when he saw it was a message from Draven, wanting him to report immediately to his office. 

Jyn eyed him curiously as she saw him debate whether or not to head to their room first or go straight to Command. “I think you need to change,” she said, wrinkling her nose. “And shave,” she added, running the back of her hand against his stubble. He closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of her touch. 

He looked down at his wrinkled clothes. Draven didn’t like disorder. “You’re right,” he muttered. 

Jyn smiled cheekily at him and pinched him on the cheek. “I’m always right.”

“What’s your plan today? Going to train with Chirrut or help Bodhi on his U-wing?”

Jyn sighed. “I have another visit with Dr. Kalonia today for a physical and then depending how that goes will determine which babysitter I go with today.” She glared at him.

Cassian caught the sarcasm. He had been making sure that Jyn wasn’t left alone since they came back. He should’ve known she would catch on to someone trying to entertain her every day. “They’re not babysitting you, Jyn. They just missed you and want to make sure you’re okay.” Then he frowned realizing what she said. 

“You didn’t tell me you had a physical with Dr. Kalonia today. I would’ve cleared my schedule.”

She put her hands on her hips and Cassian would’ve called her cute if he wasn’t worried about getting backhanded. 

“Cassian! I don’t need you changing your schedule for me. We need to start going back to how things were before! I need to be doing something, I need to go on missions, you as we-”

She stopped, cutting herself off. He smiled sadly at her. She covered her mouth with her fist, a look of remorse on her face.

“I’m sorry Cass,” she said, her eyes darting towards his legs where he was standing with more weight on his left leg. “I . . . . didn’t mean -”

“It’s okay, I know. I’m too much of a liability out there.” But his stomach clenched as he thought of her, back on missions, putting herself in danger. The last time . . . _kriff . . ._ the last time was almost her _last_ time. 

“I’m sorry,” she said and she huffed out a bitter laugh. “I seem to be saying that a lot today.” She leaned against him and he wrapped his arm around her, giving her a small kiss on top of her head. “And again, I’ll tell you it’s okay, Jyn.” 

She sat down on the bed and tugged off her boots, flopping on the bed. He quickly brushed his teeth and changed his clothes.

“You’ll comm me once your appointment is over?” He asked, pausing at the door before he walked out. 

She was still laying down on the bed and nodded, her head turned towards the window, staring outside.

He bent down and hovered over her, turning her face towards his and kissed her. Her teeth pulled at his bottom lip and she arched her body up against his and he was about to get more comfortable but then his comm went off again. 

“Kriffin Draven.” Jyn muttered. Cassian huffed out a laugh and kissed her again. “I love you,” he said, looking at her solemnly. She flushed and looked down at her hands, playing with an invisible thread on the bed. Then she looked back up at him and said, “me too,” smiling at him. 

Cassian arrived at Draven’s office and stood by the door, waiting for him to allow him in. 

Draven looked up from his datapad and motioned Cassian inside. “Major.” He said formally. 

“General.” Cassian replied. 

Draven turned his datapad towards Cassian. It was Kallus’ latest report. Cassian deciphered it and his eyes opened wide in surprise once he figured out the code. 

“The princess told me he was getting close. Looks like we’ll have a location soon?”

Draven rubbed his forehead, taking his glasses off to clean them. Cassian had been working under Draven long enough to know when he should keep his mouth quiet but he had to bite back a small smile as he remembered Draven grumpily pulling out his glasses one day to read his data pad even though he had already increased the font size. Far be it for the chief intelligence officer of the Alliance to be sidelined with having to wear _glasses._ Draven caught him noticing the glasses and raised his eyebrow as if daring Cassian to say something. 

He turned back towards the datapad. “Don’t get your hopes up, Andor. Kallus has been chasing this for months.”

“He’s getting closer, though,” Cassian observed.

Draven nodded his head and pulled the datapad back, assessing him. “I expect he should have a location within the next month or two.”

Cassian’s fists clenched as he thought of the last set of data they had been chasing since Algor. It reminded him of the months he spent tracking Lianna Hallick, the rumors of the planet killer. As long as they didn’t give up, as long as they stayed relentless, they would find it.

“How’s Erso?”

Cassian couldn’t hide the look of surprise. Draven cocked his head at him, as if he was disappointed that he let the spy facade slip. 

“She’s fine. Healing. Training. Working on the ships wit Lieutenant Rook,” he said, his typical reply whenever someone outside of their circle asked about Jyn. 

Draven leaned back in his chair, studying Cassian, noting the dark circles, the quickly combed hair. 

“You know, we still need her report on Operation Salvage.”

Cassian could feel the air whoosh out of him and he had to fight back the rage that washed over him. He schooled his face into a mask and tempered the tremble in his voice. “Why?”

“We always file a report, Andor. We need to know what happened, learn from mistakes that were ma-”

Cassian cut him off. “You know DAMN well they didn’t make any mistakes. We did. The ALLIANCE did. We sent them in with bad intel and they all died! We shouldn’t have sent them if we had the slightest doubt.”

“Andor! You and I both know that war -”

“No! We’ve had this conversation before Draven. Right when they died. We know what went wrong. You don’t need to make Jyn go through it again!”

Draven stood up. “It’s protocol. It’s an open mission - we need to close it. Either bring her here or I’ll have my MPs summon her and you know how well she responds to authority. Don’t make me go that far, Cassian.”

Cassian’s fists clenched. He turned to leave Draven’s office but not before he said the last words. “The story is still going to be the same even if she had died. I don’t know why you’re bothering with this.”

Cassian went down to the Intelligence center to catch up on paperwork. Since he had been taken out of the field, he was the primary conduit for intelligence missions in the Outer and Mid Rim. He didn’t know what was worse - being the spy, taking orders, killing people. Or being the one to give the orders. He still hadn’t figured that out yet. He was looking at reports of an uprising in Zastiga and made a mental note to look at data coming in from that sector, thinking it would be a good recruitment opportunity. They needed to get more planets on the Rebellion’s side. Hoth had set them back but they were slowly gaining ground. Cassian could sense a change was coming soon - they just needed to keep pushing until they won. 

He had been working steadily for a few hours when his stomach grumbled and he looked at his chrono. He had completely missed lunch and was about to miss dinner in the mess hall. He was surprised that Jyn hadn’t commed him yet which the thought of her set off his irritation again at Draven for wanting to talk to her about Algor. He couldn’t make her relive it again. He hated to do it but he knew Draven would send soldiers for her if she didn’t show up. 

He made his way down to the mess hall and found Bodhi and Chirrut leaving. “Cassian,” Bodhi exclaimed. “We missed you at dinner.”  
“I got held up,” he replied. He peered inside the mess hall and noticed it was empty. “Jyn?”

Bodhi exchanged a look with Chirrut. 

“Bodhi . . .,” Cassian warned. “What’s going on?”

Bodhi looked up and down the hall nervously. Chirrut rolled his eyes. “Jyn went for a run after dinner. She was in what you young people call _‘a mood’._ ” 

Cassian closed his eyes. She was going to wear herself out. She couldn’t keep pushing her body to the limits. 

“Is Jyn okay, Cassian?” Bodhi asked, noticing Cassian’s reaction. _Kriff - he really was turning into a horrible spy_. 

He hated to talk about Jyn but these two were her closest friends. “She’s okay Bodhi, just going through a lot. I think she’s feeling a lot of guilt and doesn’t know what to do with it.”

Bodhi nodded his head in understanding but Chirrut _looked_ at Cassian and he could feel the monk breaking up and analyzing his words and then he stood up and started to walk away. “It’s not guilt she’s feeling, Captain.”

Cassian stared after Chirrut. He had a feeling it wasn’t guilt either.

* * *

It was still dusk out and Cassian found the same private from the night before on duty. Cassian didn’t even need to ask him if he had seen Jyn. He simply pointed his finger in the direction where Jyn went and Cassian followed her tracks - he could tell by the depth of her footprints that she had been running hard. 

He found her sitting against a tree, her knees curled up to her chest, staring out at the lake. She wasn’t crying but he could tell from the tight way she held her body that she was raging mad. 

“Kalonia didn’t clear you?” he asked, slowly settling down next to her. 

Jyn shook her head angrily. “No! I’m fine! I’m at my strongest. I’ve never been this fit and she still won’t clear me.”

He proceeded carefully. “Did she tell you why?”

Jyn glanced at him and then stubbornly looked back at the lake. 

“Jyn . . .” Cassian had a feeling it didn’t have to do with Jyn’s physical fitness. 

She thrust out her lip and clenched her jaw. “She said physically I was fine but . . .” Jyn pointed to her head. “Up here needs a bit of work, I guess.”

Cassian agreed with Kalonia. _Oh darling. If you only knew how I worried about what was up there too._

Instead he bit back a bitter laugh. “Of all times for them to worry about our mental health, huh?” 

“Right?!. I mean look at Scarif. That dipshit Draven was sending us out on missions as soon as we were able to walk. What the kriff is going on?”

_Because you nearly died. You did die. Your heart didn’t beat, I had to breathe air back into your cold lifeless body and you needed two blood transfusions, and thank the Force Bodhi and I both had compatible blood and Dr. Kalonia had to bring you to back to life three times with a goddamned defilabrator that burned the skin on your chest._

“What did you tell her?”

Jyn pouted and didn’t answer him. 

“Jyn . . .”

“Fine!” she huffed out. “I asked her what kind of bantha crap university gave her an MD and a Ph. D. at the same time.”

Cassian couldn’t hold back the laugh that escaped him. Even though she was sad and angry all the time, she still had these moments where her spirit would flare out and he couldn't get enough of her snarkiness and dry wit.

He got to his feet and held his hand out. “C’mon, get up. I want to show you something.” She looked at his hand suspiciously but took it and he quickly pulled her to him, spinning her around so her back was against his chest. 

“Cassian! What are -” she exclaimed.

He bent his head down to her neck and placed his hands firmly on her hip, nudging her legs with his so they were shoulder-width apart. 

“Relax,” he murmured, dipping his head down to her neck, his hands brushing up her side, stretching her arms out slowly as he moved them in sync with his. 

“It’s an exercise that builds strength here,” he said softly, bringing her arms across her stomach slowly and then moved them towards her back, “and here,” as he moved them back to her side. 

“And finally here,” he whispered as he brought her hand to her head and moved it in a slow circle, repeating the motion until he heard her moan as the tension left her body. 

She felt like silk against him, her body molded against his as their arms slowly swung up and then waved to the side, their torsos bending down and then rolling up, legs bending and then stretching out in a soft kick while they balanced on their other foot. They repeated the motions over and over until their bodies were in sync and Jyns eyes were closed, the movement ingrained in her memory and she didn’t need Cassian’s arms guiding her. He slowly stepped back from her and watched her, admiring the way her lithe body stretched and stretched, how her breaths were in tune with the movements and she would bend backwards, bringing her leg up until her body was nearly parallel to the ground and she would hold the position, while holding her breath and then slowly come back up, releasing air and energy from her body. She took a deep breath and opened her eyes and for once they were clear and bright and Cassian felt like he could see into the center of the galaxy through them. 

“Feel better?” He asked quietly, afraid to disturb the peace of the moment. 

She nodded her head slowly, rolling her shoulders from side to side. “Where did you learn to do that?” she asked, her eyes wide with wonder. 

He rolled his eyes. 

“Chirrut?” she guessed. Cassian nodded his head. “When . . . how? And why has he not taught me?” She said, sounding a little bit miffed. 

The smile on Cassian’s face faded. “It was . . . after my mission to Coruscant. When you were . . .-“

She looked down, staring at her feet. “Oh.”

He moved towards her and she looked up at him, and kriff, he should’ve talked his way around her question. What the hell kind of spy was he if he couldn’t navigate his way around a simple question?. 

“Cassian,” she said, her face earnest. “You can . . . talk about it. It’s okay. I know it was hard for you.”

He tilted his head down to hers and rested his chin on top of her head. He didn’t want to lie to her. “It was . . .,” he said thickly, trying to swallow down the lump in his throat as he remembered the mad race back to the ship, Jyn’s blood dripping down K2’s chassis. How she nearly died on the trip to Home One, the episodes where she coded and Kalonia had to get her heart beating again. “It was rough, Jyn. I was having a hard time - and then after Coruscant - being put on desk duty. Chirrut thought I needed to clear my mind, my body and showed me how to do this,” he said, bringing her hand up and stretching her arm out and then cupping her head again and rolling it in a circle. 

She turned to him and wrapped her arms tightly around his chest. “I’m sorry Cassian. I’m so sorry,” she whispered into his chest. “I tried. I tried so hard that day and we just . . . everything went wrong.” She started to shake and he cursed himself for even bringing up this conversation but he had the weight of Draven’s order screaming in his head and he needed to warn her before Draven sent his MPs after her. 

Jyn felt his body tense up and she looked at him questioningly. 

“Cassian?” 

He scrunched his eyes shut and then opened them slowly. _Please forgive me._ “Jyn . . .” he started, his stomach flipping at what he had to ask her. 

“Draven needs to question you about Algor.”

Her eyes became guarded and she slowly pulled back from him, shaking her head. “Cass . . . I . . . Algor . . . I’m not in a good place right now Cassian. I’m not ready -”

He pulled her back to him, soothing her. “It’s okay, Jyn. I understand. I’ll talk to Draven,” his mind already trying to get two steps ahead of Draven, trying to ward him off of Jyn.

She looked up at him and he could see the gratitude in her eyes for not pushing it. “I’m sorry,” she whispered again. “I’m sorry too,” he said, tightening his arms around her. “I’m so sorry, Jyn.”

They stayed like that for minutes, hours it seemed like until a light rain started to fall and he brushed his lips against her, whispering sorry over and over while he kissed her. They walked slowly back to the base and Cassian couldn’t help but notice Jyn looking back at the forest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that moment when they are by the lake and performing tai chi - totally envisioned this [tai chi scene](https://youtu.be/NmvS0L8U6AQ) from Buffy Season 3. If no one's a Buffy fan, no worries ;-)
> 
> We will get to a point soon that will explain why Jyn is acting off.


	8. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A visit from Shara prompts Jyn to talk about Algor. Cassian finds out how Jyn woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flagrant use of flashbacks in this one.

Another few weeks passed with Cassian actively avoiding Draven, training with Jyn and monitoring rebellion activity in the Outer Rim. Jyn still hadn’t been cleared yet by Kalonia and he would have be the stupidest spy in the galaxy if he didn’t notice it was always after Draven’s request to see Jyn (which she flatout refused) and then she would get the uncleared notice from Kalonia. Cassian had half a mind to go tell Kalonia to stop being Draven’s puppet and clear Jyn but he owed the doctor a lot for sticking with Jyn when they were on the Redemption. Plus there was a reason why they weren’t clearing her. 

Jyn wasn’t the same. And everyone knew it. Before Algor, Jyn was vibrant and alive. She was a force to be reckoned with. But now . . . Jyn was quiet. She would spend hours in the gym, hitting the punching bag until her hands would bleed or running around the base. She would work quietly next to Bodhi, helping him to fix the ships in the hangar. Even Kay couldn’t seem to get a rise out of her. The only time she let her defenses down was at night, when she would curl up against Cassian and whisper sorry to him over and over again and he would run his fingers through her hair, soothing her to sleep. 

Cassian would often see Jyn meditating with Chirrut, practicing the exercises he had taught her. He caught the frown on Chirrut’s face, the questionable look Baze sent his way when Chirrut walked by Jyn. As if he sensed something was off. Cassian had finally asked Chirrut for help. 

_“Tell me what’s wrong, Chirrut,” Cassian had asked him one night, after she nearly dropped dead tired in his arms. “I can’t help her if I don’t know what’s wrong.”_

_Chirrut had come to their room to check in on Jyn after she had nearly passed out after a run, overexerting herself._

_He strode over to the bed and rested his palm against her forehead, his face blank, a look that Cassian had never seen on him before._

_“She’s . . . the Force has always moved, swirled bright around her. It’s still there but it's muted. As if something’s holding her back. She’ll come out of it, Captain. It’s just going to take time.”_

_“That’s what you said about her coma, Chirrut.” Cassian hissed at him. “And she was out for a year!” He immediately felt bad for being rude but he was tired of Chirrut speaking in riddles._

_“She’ll be okay, Cassian. Trust the Force.”_

_Cassian froze when Chirrut said those words. He would often hear Jyn say those words in her sleep, a phrase she learned from her mother._

_“The Force?” Cassian spit out. “Where was the Force when her whole team was killed? When she nearly died? When Hoth was attacked and we lost good soldiers?”_

_“The Force is what brought her back to us,” Chirrut said simply, unfazed by Cassian’s outburst._

_Cassian stood still. He always wondered what happened on the Redemption. When Jyn woke up._

_“What do you mean?” he asked quietly, his brows furrowed as he looked down at Jyn’s sleeping form._

_Chirrut then told him what happened. His constant prayer, Skywalker using the Force to save Bodhi and Leia, Jyn’s crystal glowing a bright yellow before they were all knocked unconscious._

_Cassian looked at Jyn. A chill came over as he thought of his conversation with Skywalker when Jyn was in her coma, how he couldn't help.“It . . . what happened . . . you don’t think it was the dark side of the Force? Is that why she’s -”_

_“No, little brother,” Chirrut interrupted. “Skywalker, the Princess . . . it wasn’t fear that was driving them. It was love. Faith. Hope. Jyn will be fine, Cassian. She just needs time to mend her heart and her head.”_

_Chirrut ducked down and whispered a soft prayer in Jyn’s ear. “Sleep well, Captain. Tomorrow’s going to be a busy day” he said, winking at him as he walked out of their room._

_Cassian vaguely wondered what Chirrut meant by busy before he laid down next to Jyn, pulling her close to him._

* * *

Chirrut’s definition of “busy” was way different than Cassian’s. Busy to Cassian was running from mission to mission, barely having enough time to eat or shower. 

Chirrut’s idea of busy was trying to keep a one-year old, too smart for his own good, Poe Dameron from trying to hijack Bodhi’s U-wing. 

Cassian had woken up before Jyn and was heading to the mess to grab some food when he heard a commotion in the hangar. 

And saw a little boy with a mop of dark brown curls climbing up the ramp to Bodhi’s ship.

“Poe, no!” said an exasperated, female voice. Cassian ran up the ramp and grabbed the little tyke before he could do any damage. The boy squirmed against him until Cassian put him down and he toddled off towards his mother. 

“ _Shara_.” Cassian whispered. The last time he had seen her in person, she was trying to give Draven another black eye and was five months pregnant. 

Shara lifted Poe up and balanced him on her hip. “Hey stranger,” she said, her brown eyes gleaming mischievously at him, as she looked down at Poe and gave him a soft kiss on his curly hair. 

“Poe, this is Cassian, say hi.”

Poe grinned at Cassian, drool spilling down his chin. “Cassi,” he said, his lips trying to form the last part of Cassian’s name. Cassian ruffled his little locks of curls. “Hi Poe.” 

Cassian gave Shara a hug, embracing her tightly. “I didn’t know you were on base. It’s been so long, Shar. How are you?”

Her smile slightly faded as she gripped Poe tighter to her as he played with her hair. “I’m okay, Cassian. Hanging in there. Going through the motions, you know?” 

She held back a sniffle and she looked up at him. “Not a day goes by that I don’t miss that man.” She looked down at Poe and then back at Cassian. “This kid . . . he’s so much like his dad that it hurts, Cass. But I’m so glad, so lucky to have him.”

Cassian rubbed Shara’s shoulder. “I know, Shar. I know. We all miss him,” he said. “Them,” he corrected. 

Shara rubbed her eyes and swallowed deeply. “Cass . . . I heard Jyn . . . that she finally woke up. How is -”

“Shara?”

 _Jyn_. 

She looked at Shara, like a deer in the headlights and then looked at Poe, her eyes in shock. “Shara,” she whispered. Cassian briefly wondered why they were so surprised to see each other. Then he realized it. 

_They hadn’t seen each other since before Algor._

“Jyn!” Shara exclaimed. She quickly handed Poe to Cassian who wrapped his arms around Cassian’s neck. “Stars Jyn! Come here!!”

Jyn went into Shara’s arms and they both hugged each other hard. “I’m so sorry,” Jyn said. “Shar, I’m so sorry. I tried. I tried everything.” Shara clutched Jyn tighter to her. “Shh . . . honey. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s not your fault, Jyn. It’s okay.” 

Other pilots, soldiers started to slow down when they saw the two women crying but Cassian glared at them (which he wasn’t too sure how impactful his glare was holding a boy in diapers) and they hurriedly walked away. He overheard one of the privates saying _basket case and Erso_ and made a mental note to have Baze visit him later. 

“He saved me,” Jyn said, pulling her face away from Shara’s shoulder, wiping the tears from her face. “That damn fool - he saved me. He should’ve just left me but he saved me.” Shara pulled Jyn back to her, tears streaming down her face, trying to comfort her. “It’s okay, Jyn . . . he could never have forgiven himself if something happened to you. You know that wasn’t Kes. He always had to look out for others.” 

Cassian stilled, tightening his hold on Poe.

This was the first time Jyn talked about Algor, about what happened. He didn’t know about Kes, or how any of them had died. He remembered how close Jyn had been to dying when he found her and said a silent thank you to Kes Dameron for making sure her chances weren’t spent. 

He felt a tug at his beard and looked down at Poe. His heart ached at how much he looked like his father. Jyn turned to look at Cassian and she gave him a watery smile. “Poe?” she said softly, extending her hand to him. Poe wrapped his chubby hand around Jyn’s wrist and wriggled out of Cassian’s arms to go to Jyn. Jyn cuddled him close to her and a deep seated warmth washed over Cassian. _He could see it. The end of the war. Jyn happy, holding a green-eyed little boy or girl in her arms._

“He likes the ladies,” Shara explained. “Back home, he’s always charming the neighborhood girls. They line up to babysit this little critter,” she said, smiling fondly at the boy. 

Jyn held Poe close to her and Cassian could see the tears forming again in her eyes. She kissed the top of Poe’s head and whispered, “your papa was right. You are the best boy in the galaxy.”

* * *

“I’ll talk to Draven.”

Cassian nearly dropped his datapad. They had returned from dinner and Cassian had been catching up on intelligence reports. He was surprised Jyn had stayed in the room. Normally she would go to the gym and head out for a run but she had stayed in there, with him, catching up on reports Draven had asked her to translate. 

He turned to look at her. “You don’t have to do this, Jyn. Take your time.” She shook her head stubbornly. “I’m . . . it’s not just about me, you know. I need . . . I know others need to move on and Shara . . . Kriff! Cassian! Shara’s doing so good and she lost _him._ She lost the person she loved most in the world and she needs to know.”

He pulled Jyn to him and he could feel her shaking. “I’ll go with you, when you talk to Draven,” he murmured, his lips brushing the top of her head. “You’re not alone in this Jyn. I’m with you.”

She laid her head on his shoulder and whispered, “I know, Cass. I know.”

* * *

They went to the command center in the morning to meet Draven. Jyn abruptly stopped when she saw Draven had a holo up of Algor. He looked at her expectantly and then turned to Cassian, his eyebrow quirked up questioningly. Jyn slowly walked over to the holo and followed one of the blue lines, her finger drawing a pattern that showed the topography of the planet. 

“You landed there?” Draven asked, his voice surprisingly soft. 

She nodded. 

“Tell me what happened when you landed.”

Jyn stayed quiet, staring at the outline of the planet, her eyes honing in on the blue river that ran through the steep canyon.

“Jyn,” Cassian whispered. “We can come back . . ..”

She shook her head and took a deep breath, returning her gaze back to Draven. 

“Solo had concerns about the coordinates. He didn’t like . . . he seemed unsure of the mission, was concerned we were too exposed.”

“He had a right to be,” Cassian muttered. 

Draven gave him a _look._

“Did he run scans of the area?” Draven asked. 

Jyn nodded her head. “He did. Scans came back clear.” Draven’s eyes widened just a bit to show his surprise and Cassian ran his hands through his hair. The Imperial ship Cassian had found . . . they had presumed the Falcon’s scanning equipment was malfunctioning, that’s why it didn’t detect other ships. But this . . . the scans. It meant the Empire was upping their technology . . . that they had developed the ability to cloak. 

“Kriff,” Draven muttered. “I didn’t think they were that far advanced in their technology. 

Jyn looked at him irritably. “Really? Because building a weapon that can destroy entire planets sounds pretty advanced to me.”

Draven glared at her while Cassian bit back a smile, glad to see some of her spunk coming back.

Draven nodded towards the map. “Go on.”

Jyn continued. “Kes and I told Solo it was fine and we split up. I headed down first while Kes, Melshi and Tonc took up positions in the canyon’s crevices. Everything was going fine with the information right until we exchanged the data. As soon as he gave me the datastick, he was killed by a sniper.” 

Cassian closed his eyes, trying not to think how close Jyn came to being killed. 

“Then the Falcon blew up, shots were being fired and I started running for cover.”

Jyn closed her eyes and Cassian could tell she was getting to the more difficult part of the story. She looked at the map and pointed her finger towards the canyon. “There was an explosion and I saw Kes fall . . . I thought he was dead at first.” 

“But he wasn’t?” Draven asked.

She shook her head and Cassian could see her lip was starting to tremble. He wanted to stop the debrief, tell Draven to kriff off, but he knew she needed to do this. That she needed to get past Algor. 

“I was running . . . I got hit. Twice?” she said, her hand unconsciously rubbing her hip. “I was trying to find cover and then I saw Melshi. Tonc. They had been killed, ambushed in their hiding spots.”

Draven was the Rebellion’s top spy but even he couldn’t hide the angry tick in his jaw. The man was an asshole but he cared about his team. Melshi and Tonc had been good soldiers. Loyal to the cause. 

“I hid behind a boulder and was able to take down two of the snipers. I was about to make another run for it when I got out of my hiding space and . . . there was an Imp.”

Cassian squeezed his eyes shut. _Kriff. He knew . . . he had always known that he was so lucky Jyn came back to him but fuck. It had been way too close._

“I was about to . . . fight . . . when he was killed.”

Draven looked at her in surprise. _“Dameron?”_

“Yes. “ Jyn said simply. “He saved me.” 

“And then he was killed. He placed a target on himself when he shot him and the sniper shot him. Twice.”

Her fists were clenched at her side and she was staring at Draven. Daring him to say something. 

Draven looked back at the holo. “Then what happened?”

Jyn looked back at Cassian guiltily before she looked at Draven. “I . . . gave up. Challenged the sniper to come and get me. I thought for sure . . . that I was done. That my chances were spent. There was nowhere to hide, I was exposed.”

“But . . . instead of a shooting me, he came down to the canyon.”

She paused and looked at Cassian again. He had an idea this is where his story picked up. When he found her in the river. 

“He had tattoos,” Jyn said, sounding surprised. “I . . . was surprised. I had never seen Imperials that had tattoos.” 

Draven looked at her curiously. “Tattoos? What kind?” 

Jyn closed her eyes trying to remember. “Serpents? Imperial insignia? They were running along his arms, up to his neck. I thought I could take him, I had taken down bigger. But . . . I was weak. I had lost a lot of blood and I gained the upper hand in the fight but then he . . .” she closed her eyes, her body curling in on itself and Cassian knew. He had seen the bruises on her body, on her face, the scars, the knot on the back of her head. 

“He kicked me where I was shot, dragged me to the river. I thought I could swim for it,” she said bitterly, huffing out a sarcastic laugh. “I used to love to swim.” 

Draven nodded, thinking of the water missions they used to send her on, making a mental note to keep her away from water for a while.

“The last thing I remember was looking at the sky and everything faded away.”

Draven typed in a few notes into his datapad and then looked up. Cassian could’ve sworn he saw a flash of remorse in the old spy’s face before it quickly disappeared. 

“Thanks Erso. This was helpful. You’re dismissed. Andor, a word?”

Jyn looked over at Cassian and he nodded for her to go on without him. He waited until she was out of the room before he turned to Draven. “I’m presuming you can close the mission out, now?” he said, a bit defiant. 

Draven put down his datapad and looked sadly at Cassian. “It’s been closed, Andor.”

Cassian looked at Draven sadly, shaking his head. “I hope you got what you wanted.”

* * *

Cassian returned back to the room and he knew right away by the look in Jyn’s face what happened. 

She had been cleared for field duty. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo . . . we finally find out how Jyn woke up. I envisioned the kyber crystal, Chirrut's prayers and Force sensitivity, Luke using the Force and the power of the explosion from the thermal detonator Leia dropped is the boost Jyn needed to wake up. I think Chirrut's prayers and the kyber crystal would have done it but Luke really helped move things along. When I first started thinking of this story, I almost toyed with Jyn being different because Luke relied on the dark side of the Force, used fear because he was scared for Leia and Bodhi and that affected Jyn but we'll see soon why she's not herself. I think I get to it in Chapter 10/11.


	9. Hard Decisions/Right Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn is sent out on her first mission after Algor.

He thought he had more time before she would go out on a mission. He figured Draven would give it a month, maybe two. 

She was given a mission the next morning. 

Cassian found himself in Draven’s office, arguing with him.

“She’s not ready. Send someone else.”

Draven eyed him, his face impassive. 

“Harte- err . . . Kalonia has cleared her. She’s approved for field work.”

Cassian blinked, noting the fact that Draven called Dr. Kalonia by her first name. _I’ll figure that out later._ He continued to stare at Draven. “You know as well as I do that she shouldn’t go out.”

Draven raised an eyebrow at him. “Are you saying she’s unfit?”

Cassian shook his head. “You know that’s not what I meant. The woman took down a platoon of stormtroopers after waking from a coma. She killed half of an Imperial assassin squad with nothing but a blaster. She’s fit. She’s just not ready.”

“Listen Andor. Time is critical on this mission. We have an opportunity and all my operatives are out. This is a simple meet and greet. She’ll be fine.”

Cassian stared at Draven. “Need I remind you the last _meet and greet_ you sent her on was supposed to be simple,” he said quietly. 

A brief twitch of Draven’s jaw indicated a flash of irritation. “Be careful Major. I might be more lenient with you than with others but I’m still your Commander.”

Cassian refused to turn away. Draven huffed out a sigh of resignation. “Fine. She still has to go but she can take Rook as her pilot and the Guardians.”

“I can pi -”

Draven cut him off and looked at the leg Cassian had noticeably shifted his weight off of. “I don’t think so. In the event something does happen,” Cassian opened his mouth to argue, but Draven quickly cut him off, “she’ll need all hands on deck and frankly Andor, you can’t even run off the deck at this point.” Draven lifted his hands up as if to say no offense. 

“She can take your damn droid if that will make you feel better.”

Cassian still kept his somber eyes on Draven. Draven returned the stare, refusing to give in. He remembered the boy he found on Fest, hiding in a shed, waiting for his dead mother to come get him and Cassian’s eyes now reminded him of that little boy - _lost._

Cassian turned and walked away.

* * *

He found Jyn packing, excited for her mission. He leaned on the doorframe watching her throwing clothes in her backpack. His heart stopped when he saw her reach for the weapons trunk he had replaced. She picked up a few vibroblades, inspecting each one carefully, then she kneeled down and she was rummaging around in the trunk for something. Her eyes lit up in surprise when her hand came back out, brandishing a familiar looking blaster in her hand. 

“My blaster!” she exclaimed. “I thought this was lost on Hoth?” Cassian raised his eyebrow at her. “You mean my blaster,” he said. “I vaguely recall one of my blasters going missing before Jeddha when someone _innocently_ claimed they found one.” 

“Force! You were such an ass about it. Like a little kid upset I took your toy.” Jyn said, smiling at the memory. “You did take my toy!” Cassian exclaimed. “I liked that blaster!” Jyn shook her head at him. “Cassian,” she said, her voice trying to reason with him. “You had like six blasters in your room and then another three hidden on your U-wing. You’re a hoarder. You could have spared one and not been bratty about it.”

Cassian huffed. “I was not being _bratty_ about it, Jyn. That was my favorite.” Jyn rolled her eyes at him but then gave him a double-take, noting the crease in his forehead, the forced tilt to his lips . “Are we going to have this argument all day or are you going to tell me what’s bothering you?”

“Nothing’s bothering me,” he said. Too quickly.

She put her hand on her hip and gave him a very Jyn-like look. A look that said _do you really think I’m going to fall for that?_

He gave her a tight smile and glanced at her bag, “I’m fine Jyn. Seriously, I’m fine.”

She came up to him and lightly placed her hands on his hips and looked up at him. “You’re worried,” she said, matter-of-factly.

He knew there was no point in hiding it. “I am. I always worry about you.” He swallowed thickly and looked over her head, so she couldn’t see his eyes starting to water. “That day . . . when you left for Algor. I . . . had this feeling in my gut. That something could go wrong and that would be the last time I ever saw you.” He pulled her tight to him and he knew she could feel the hammering of his heart. “That almost happened, Jyn. I came so close to losing you that day. So . . . yes, I’m always going to worry about you.”

She sighed and cuddled closer to him, breathing into his chest. “I’ll be okay, Cassian. It’s a busy city, no deserted outpost or weird landing coordinates. I’ll be okay.”

He pulled her tight to him. He hoped she was right. 

She wasn’t right. 

* * *

She came back with a sprained wrist, a cut deep enough on her leg that she needed ten stitches and a bruise blossoming on her cheek. Adding insult to injury, Bodhi was furious, Chirrut was disappointed, Baze was - as always - not getting involved and Kay was not helpful. Cassian noticed her knuckles were bruised and bleeding, she was limping and she was madder than a fixed bantha. 

“Bodhi, you’re overreacting! I don’t know what you’re so upset about!” Jyn shouted at him. Bodhi grabbed Chirrut’s staff -

“Hey that’s mine,” Chirrut complained - 

\- and poked Jyn in her leg where she hissed at him through her teeth. “UNCALLED FOR BODHI!” she yelled at him. 

“WHAT you did was UNCALLED FOR, Jyn!” Bodhi shouted right back at her. Cassian was a little bit surprised at the tone in Bodhi’s voice. He was usually so mellow and even when Jyn would push his buttons, he would never get this angry. 

“We were almost out of there,” he said. “SAFELY out of there,” he reminded her, his eyes furious. “And you had to start a fight and I don’t know what possessed you to throw that grenade -”

“THEY WERE SLAVERS!” Jyn yelled. “They were using humans, Wookies, everyone as slaves! And we’re supposed to just sit there and let that happen?”

Bodhi quieted down. “Jyn,” he said softly. “I know. I understand. But not only did you get hurt but how many innocents you think got hurt in that explosion?How many do you think died?” 

Jyn blanched but then her eyes went blank. “Yeah but how many people did we save, Bodhi?” she said stubbornly, a mulish look on her face. 

He knew when she got that look there was no point in reasoning with her. He shook his head at her and looked over at Baze. 

For once, Baze looked between Jyn who was still glaring at Bodhi and then back at Bodhi who was glaring right back at Jyn. He turned to Chirrut, who for the one time in his life really decide to look blind and then finally turned to Cassian. “They’re your problem, little brother. I’m not getting involved.” Baze turned to grab his gear and walked away from the hangar with Chirrut giving Cassian a sympathetic look as he followed him. 

Jyn turned back to Bodhi. “I did what I had to do Bodhi.” Bodhi shook his head. “You didn’t have to Jyn. You could have told us, could have called for backup, come back with a safer plan. None of us knew what you were doing -”

“I did.” K2-SO interrupted. “I told you there was 93.25% of Jyn doing something unreasonable that would result in her untimely death.”

“Kay” Cassian said. “Leave it.”

Bodhi shook his head. “The point is, Jyn, we could have helped you. But instead you ran off, I was worried, Chirrut was worried. You should have told us.”

Jyn looked down, staring at her boots and Cassian noticed the specks of blood on them. He remembered coming back from missions and taking scalding showers, trying to wash off the emotional stench of the mission, only to put his boots on and seeing the blood stains and the faces of the people he had killed. Jyn must have noticed the blood too because she quickly looked back up at Bodhi. 

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have told you but we didn’t have much time. And I didn’t want anyone to get hurt.”

Bodhi sadly shook his head at her and his voice quivered. “That’s the point Jyn. People did get hurt. _Innocents._ And you got hurt! We’re your team. If you get hurt, we all get hurt. We can’t . . . -” his voice shook as he tried to compose himself. “We can’t go through that again.” 

“Bod-” Jyn said, pleading with him, reaching out her hand to him

He shook his head, his eyes woefully sad. “I . . .” he looked at the ship. “I better head down to maintenance and make sure the ship is locked down. I’ll see you later.” He ignored her outstretched hand and turned the other way but not before he gave a meaningful look to Cassian. . 

Jyn looked at Bodhi’s retreating back and sighed, her shoulders slumped. Cassian reached out to her, “Jyn -” She shook his hand off of her and sucked in her bottom lip. “I . . . - I’m gonna go down to the gym for a bit. I need to stretch out my muscles.” She turned quickly before Cassian could stop her. 

He ran his hand through his hair and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, feeling a migraine coming on. 

“Cassian.”

_And the migraine had arrived._

K2 stood in front of Cassian. Cassian could swear the droid looked sympathetic. “General Draven has requested Jyn and Bodhi brief you on the mission. Since they’re not here, would you like to see it? I have compiled the footage and used a translation code to write up the report based on the images. The General would like an update as quickly as possible. 

Cassian chewed at his lip. He didn’t want Jyn to get on Draven’s bad side - she was already permanently on it but he didn’t want Bodhi to get written up either. 

“Fine, Kay. Just send it to my datapad. I’m heading over to the Command Center.”

* * *

He took off his headgear and took a long pull of caf. He had a recruit in the Corva sector and the situation was getting a bit hairy. For every big win they had with the Empire, they always seemed to suffer a loss and those were getting harder to deal with. His agent had reported a twitchy contact. Cassian had told them to _handle the situation_ and had immediately thrown up what was left of his lunch. He hated giving these orders. He hated being the one executing the orders but giving them . . . giving them was so much worse because he knew - _damnit he knew -_ what it would do to his agents. The blank eyes that come back, terrified screams he would hear from the barracks at nighttime. _When was it ever going to stop? When would this war end?_

He huffed out and looked at his datapad. A notification popped up from the file Kay sent. He bit back a yawn as he tapped the pad to open up the file. He had completely forgotten about the report and was surprised Draven hadn’t messaged him about it. He rubbed tiredly at his eyes as he waited for the file to load, thinking back to Jyn and Bodhi and their argument. _Kriff._ Bodhi usually would always cave in to Jyn but this time . . . his silence was the only way he could communicate his anger. He knew where Bodhi was coming from - _Force -_ they both had almost lost the most important person in their life so he could see how Bodhi would be upset with Jyn throwing herself back into danger again. The holovid popped up and Cassian watched it blankly as he saw Jyn inside the cantina, talking to the contact. She was in her mode, listening carefully but watching the scene around her. He saw her eyes flash as they moved away from the contacts face to beyond his shoulder. Cassian saw what she was looking at - an older man in the corner being pushed by a Rodian and the wife being held back and taken into another room. Cassian found it odd - it was supposed to be a simple cantina, a resting stop. The contact they were meeting was from a local gang where on a good day, they were friends of the Alliance. The contact tugged at Jyn’s wrist and she wrenched it away. He noticed the brand on the man’s inner wrist and he searched his memory trying to remember where he had seen it before. 

Then he remembered what Jyn had said. _Slavers._ He paused the holovid and selected the scene before it. The man that had caught Jyn’s gaze. He zoomed in on the man and then pinched the image expanding it out to the woman who was separated from him. 

_It wasn’t the slavers that set Jyn off._

The man resembled a man he saw four years ago. In pouring rain, a look of defeat on his face, begging the man in white to have mercy. 

The man reminded him of Galen Erso. 

_No wonder why Jyn was so upset._

He watched Jyn in the video, how her face turned cold when she pulled her blaster, shooting the contact. All hell broke loose, people running out of the cantina and he saw three Dresselians descend on Jyn and _even though he knew she was okay (now),_ he still felt raw fear when he saw her fight them off. But worse than the fear he felt was what he felt when he saw the look on her face. Or lack thereof. Her eyes were devoid of any emotion, any feelings and she fought off the Dresselians killing them without a look of remorse on her face. She was efficient, practical, executed her moves in perfect precision. The cantina had emptied out except for the last remaining gang members advancing on Jyn. She reached into her pack and pulled out a grenade and pulled the strip without even flinching and threw it, walking out of the cantina leaving nothing but fire and fury in her wake. 

* * *

He woke up later that night to an empty bed.

 _Again_. 

He sighed tiredly and pulled on his clothes and boots, pointedly ignoring the same private as he made his path towards the lake. He found Jyn staring at the water again in her own world and he could only imagine what was running through her mind. He sat down quietly next to her and she leaned into him. 

“Bodhi’s still mad at me,” she said and he noticed the little quiver, the slight vibration in her voice. “Are you?” she asked, looking up at him. He noticed she had schooled her face into that mask. The same one he saw on Kay’s video, as if she was trying to brace herself for a harsh reaction. 

“No . . . Jyn, I’m not mad at you,” he said and she pulled away from him, her face showing a twist of bitterness. “You should be, Cassian. You should care about what I’m turning into, what I did.” 

“You want me to be mad, Jyn? You want me to yell at you and read you the riot act and tell you what you did was wrong?” He shook his head tiredly at her. “You know you’re not going to get that from me. Do I wish you made a different decision? Yes.” He sighed and for a moment, he just wanted them to be done with this war, to be at peace where each day they didn’t have to fight to live, fight for others to live. “Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my decisions - when I’ve had to kill for the Rebellion, for the cause. I don’t want that for you. You’re so full of light, Jyn. I don’t want this war to suck it out of you.”

“I don’t feel light,” she murmured, looking at the darkened waters of the lake. “I feel like I’m being dragged down into the dark.”

He didn’t know what to tell her. _How could he help her when she wouldn’t talk to him or tell him what was wrong._ All he could do was be there for her. So he pulled her tight to him, till her head was laying down in his lap and they both watched the moonlight reflect off of the water, each lost in their own thoughts. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting into the middle of the fic where I kind of got into a rut. I have a hard time writing our beloved characters doing questionable acts so while Jyn's mission didn't seem that bad - to Bodhi, who's more idealistic and believes there are non-violent paths, he wasn't particularly happy with her actions.


	10. Catalyst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bodhi and Cassian are concerned about Jyn's missions. A mission with another Fulcrum agent leaves Jyn making a bad decision and finally confronting her feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - brief mention of possible lullaby use.

_Every mission she went on, she came back, bruised, battered, pissed off and usually in a fight with Bodhi over how she handled it. Most of their fights consisted around the amount of dead bodies she left behind, her methods. Bodhi had gone to Cassian after one of her missions where a family had been injured by ‘troopers after Jyn had started a fight._

_“You need to do something, Cassian. She’s going to kill herself. She’s going to wake up and realize her actions are hurting people, killing them. She says this is for the cause, it’s for the Rebellion but this is different Cassian. It’s not her.”_

_Cassian had listened to Bodhi, his heart aching over Jyn’s behavior. He promised Bodhi he would talk to Draven. He knew it would eventually catch up to her but he didn’t know how to help her. All he could do was just be there - all the way. No matter what. Force knew he regretted so many of his actions but had to hope that it was for the greater good._

He made good on his promise to Bodhi and found himself back in Draven’s office when he heard she was on the deck for an undercover mission. _She wasn’t ready. He knew it. She knew it. Everyone knew it._ But they were short on operatives. It was a critical time for the Alliance - they had to keep pushing and pushing. Any lapses, any down time could end them at any moment. 

Draven looked up from his datapad - he had called a meeting to go over this mission and Cassian wanted to intercept. One last chance to request Draven to send someone else. 

“Andor.” Draven said gruffly. “We need to get going.”

“It’s about -”

Draven interrupted him. “Let me guess. You don’t want me to send Erso out.”

He nodded his head. “She needs more time. This one . . . I’m concerned . . . there’s too much at stake.”

Draven nodded his head in understanding, but then his face firmed up and his eyes glinted like beskar, dark and unmoving. “I get it. But she’s all we have. Plus she’ll have a partner -”

“Bodhi in no way is ready to -”

“I wasn’t talking about Rook,” Draven interrupted. “One of our Fulcrums came back yesterday so we’re sending him out with her. 

Cassian’s spine stiffened and Draven caught the apprehension on his face.  
“Please tell me it’s not K -”

“Yes, agent Kallus is back and is ready to go back out again.He already has an alias and Jyn is perfect to play his partner.” Draven looked down at his datapad and huffed out a sigh. “We need to go - walk with me down to the command center.”

Cassian’s mind raced as he walked with Draven.

 _Kallus._

He _knew_ Kallus. He knew how he operated. Both Cassian and Kallus were the Rebellion’s top Fulcrums but . . . Kallus. 

Fuck. 

Kallus’ time as an Imperial intelligence agent had hardened him. Had given him that grey zone Fulcrums needed to operate in. Kallus lived in the grey and thrived in it. Cassian on the other hand . . . hated it. He still had that part of him that cared, that brushed away a tear every time he had to do something that questioned or killed his morality. Kallus was hard, unrelenting and got the job done and went on to the next without a second thought. He didn’t need to shed his skin - he thrived in it. Cassian had to decompress after missions, assassinations, sabotage attempts to wash away the dirt, the emotions, the darkness that threatened to flood his soul until he drowned in guilt. Kallus had no qualms about leaving people behind. And that’s what Cassian feared the most on this mission.

(he would later find that there were worse things to fear).

Draven walked in the room commanding everyone’s attention. Jyn was already in there with her usual bored look on her face. Cassian searched the team for Kallus and found him leaning against a pillar behind the crowd carefully reading the room. Bodhi was studying his datapad sitting next to Jyn. The two had gone back to their usual camaraderie but Cassian noticed Jyn would hold herself carefully around Bodhi, as if she was worried that a flippant comment or action would anger him. Which wasn’t Bodhi. And it wasn’t like Jyn either to tiptoe around people. Cassian’s eyes wandered the room and settled back on Kallus who acknowledged him with a short nod of his head. 

Draven finally spoke. “Kallus. Erso. You two will be infiltrating a prison facility. Our intel tells us a majority of their prisoners are Alderaan survivors, individuals who have access to Alderanni resources on other planets. The prison archives also contain data on prisoners at other facilities. We need that list. Your main purpose is to get that data. No other goal, no other mission.” Cassian saw Jyn stiffen at Draven’s words. It would kill her to see those prisoners and not do anything to help them. As if already knowing what Jyn was thinking, Draven turned to her. “I’m serious Erso. No heroics. If we can send an extraction team later, we will. Don’t go beyond the mission specs on this. Are we clear?”

“Crystal.” Jyn replied back evenly. 

Draven took a deep breath. “All right then. Dismissed. Kallus, Erso, a moment?”

Cassian and Bodhi moved to leave but not before he saw Draven pull out a box and hand it to Kallus. Jyn stared at it blankly. “This is a Level 5 mission. The Empire absolutely can not catch you. If they even have an inkling of what you’re after, we’ll lose those prisoners and the data.” Kallus opened the box which revealed two small pills inside a clear pouch. He took one wordlessly, without question, and inserted it into a small zipped pocket on the neck of his jacket. Draven handed the box to Jyn who briefly looked up at Cassian. 

_“What the hell, Cassian? We promised each other we’d never leave and you still carry this around? Don’t you know I’ll always come back for you?”_

_“Jyn! You don’t understand. If we’re ever caught together, they’ll use you against me. Hurt you. Torture you. Force knows what else. No way, Jyn. I’m not putting you through that.”_

_She glared green lasers at him. “I DON’T CARE! This -” she yelled, kicking at the dust the pill made on the floor. “THIS IS NOT AN OPTION.” She took a deep breath and Cassian could see her trying to control her temper. “Cass,” she said, softly. “You’re not alone anymore. You have me. Bodhi. Chirrut. Baze. It’s not just about you anymore. You can’t think you’re all alone. I don’t want you to die alone.” Tears started streaming down her face and he instantly went to her and hugged her tightly and apologized. “I’m sorry, Jyn. I’m so sorry. We’ll figure this out.”_

He stared back at her, willing her not to take it. _No! They agreed. She didn’t need it. He wanted her to tell Draven to fuck off_ . _That she would fight to the death before she got caught. He wanted her to know he would tear down the ends of the galaxy searching for her. He would find her. He would come back for her. He wanted her to fight back, for that spark to light her fire._

Instead, all he saw was ash swirling in her eyes as she looked at him and took the pill, quietly putting it in the pocket of her vest. She turned and left the room.

* * *

It had been years since Kallus had been in a briefing. So many years spent undercover, infiltrating, sabotaging, ruining whatever he could of Imperial operations and centers. He was surprised Draven had partnered him with Erso - rumor had it that Erso was still recovering from the shit storm that surrounded last year’s Hoth invasion and all the failed missions that day. He was still sporting the heavy scar he earned when his mission went awry that day. He wondered if anyone had heard from Tano yet. She and Andor were one of the last Fulcrums and from what he could tell, Andor could no longer work in the field. Which left more of the heavy lift on him and Tano. 

Draven’s briefing ended and Kallus was studying the report on the prison they were going to infiltrate when a shadow fell across his data screen. He already knew who it was so he didn’t even bother looking up.

“Kallus,” Andor said quietly. “Any word on the last data stick yet?” he inquired. 

Kallus rolled his eyes. _One track mind, this one._

“Getting closer,” he muttered. He looked up at Cassian and eyed him carefully. He could tell that Cassian’s relaxed posture was anything but relaxed. 

“Getting pulled into these missions doesn’t help my long term objectives though,” he said. “When’s Draven going to tell the med bay to fuck themselves with a Tattoine cactus branch and put you back out in the field?” Cassian stiffened and Kallus already noted which leg was weakened and that his words struck a sensitive spot. Cassian shuttered his eyes and smiled bitterly. “I can still go out - and will - once you find that last drive.” He gripped Kallus on the shoulder - _harder than necessary -_ and turned to walk away but stopped before he walked out of the room. 

“Oh and Kallus?” Kallus whipped his head up because Andor’s tone changed . . . from mildly menacing to downright evil. “You bring her back with a single bruise on her body, believe me, you’ll be the one not able to go on missions anymore.”

Kallus gulped. He didn’t mind outright threats, threats he could see and fight but Andor was like a fucking phantom and could make you disappear without anyone even knowing it. He looked down at his datapad, tapping through Jyn’s various missions. Black eye, bruised ribs, torn ligament, dislocated shoulder. _Oh c’mon how the fuck can she not get hurt._

He noticed Cassian starting to walk out of the room. _Fuck this._ “IT’S ERSO ANDOR! Give me a break! How about no broken bones?”

Cassian stared back at him, his eyes unreadable. He stayed quiet . . . Kallus was about to go back to the original deal of no bruises, when a flash of a smile crossed Cassian’s face. “Nothing sprained. And if her thumb so much as touches that lullaby, you better hope the Hutts find you because a death from them would be less painful.”

Then he turned and walked away, leaving Kallus to figure out how he could go on a mission with Jyn fucking Erso and bring her back unharmed. 

* * *

Bodhi was testing the controls of the ship when he heard a modulated voice. “I have already deemed this ship mission-ready. What you are doing Bodhi Rook is redundant and a waste of time that would be better spent studying the mission parameters.” Bodhi rolled his eyes and groaned. “Kay. I’m just getting familiar with this ship. It’s my first time flying it and I want to make sure I know the controls.”

To be honest, Bodhi didn’t need to familiarize himself with the ship. He had already flown this type of model before but he needed to stay busy. If he stayed in his room, his thoughts strayed to Jyn and their last fight. They never talked about it and went back to their usual day to day routine. By _force_ he missed her though. He missed the Jyn that would smart off to Baze and Chirrut and would question every single one of Draven’s demands. He missed the Jyn that would laugh with them and be the first to volunteer to spar with Chirrut even knowing that she would lose. He missed the Jyn that would poke fun at K2 and deliberately move things around in the droid bay just to irritate him. 

He _missed his friend_. He really wanted to talk to her but it was as if she knew he wanted to talk and the moment he would try and initiate something, she would deflect, avoid and redirect. He damned Cassian for teaching her his spy tricks. The old Jyn would have met it head on and argued passionately with him but this Jyn . . . the Jyn that came back after Algor . . . just avoided it completely, as if she could care less. 

“You ready Rook, we need to leave or we’ll miss our window.” Kallus interrupted his thoughts and Bodhi’s eyes strayed to his jacket where he could see the tiny lump in his jacket pocket. He saw Cassian’s face the minute Jyn took the lullabye. Force knew everyone heard the fight Cassian and Jyn had about it years ago after Scarif so her taking the pill was just another action that was unlike her. He definitely didn’t want to be a part of that uncomfortable conversation when they returned. By the look on Cassian’s face, he had a feeling he wasn’t going to let it go either. 

“Rook, you ready? Or do we need to get Andor’s droid to pilot us?” Kallus asked rather impatiently. 

“I’m ready,” Bodhi evenly replied. “Jyn on board yet?” Kallus nodded his head yes. “That she-sith is in a mood - she nearly knocked me over and went straight to her bunk.” He looked back towards the small quarters on the ship. “Hey,” he whispered. “I heard she’s even more vicious than before. Since you’re her friend, once we get in hyperspace, think you can get her out of her cave so we can go over the mission? That woman scares the hell out of me.” 

Bodhi held out his palm. Kallus slipped him a credit chip to which Bodhi pocketed in his vest. Cassian had told him to keep an eye on Kallus and the best way to do that was to make sure Kallus didn’t consider him a threat. 

Once the ship was in hyperspace, he put it on autopilot and knocked on the door to Jyn’s bunk. 

“Fuck off Kallus!”

Bodhi cringed. _Kriff she was in a mood._

“It’s Bodhi, Jyn,” he said softly, loud enough for her to hear but low enough to not irritate her. He could hear her scrambling in the room, muttering and the door slid open, her face apologetic. “Sorry Bodes. Thought you were Kallus. He’s pissing me off and I’m already not in a great mood.”

Bodhi smiled at her. “It’s okay, Jyn.” He took a deep breath. “Anything I can do?” he asked her, a hopeful look on his face. She shook her head sadly. “I wish Bodes. I just . . . this is my first undercover mission without Cassian and . . . my team . . . and having to do this with Kallus just . . . “ she shrugged her shoulders. “Doesn’t feel right.” Bodhi nodded his head slowly. “I know. A lot has changed, huh?”

She nodded her head. “Well the sooner we get this mission over with, the sooner we get back. Ready to go over the specs?” She grabbed his arm and they walked to the small galley where Kallus was going over the mission details on his datapad. Bodhi went back to the cockpit and listened as they went over the mission parameters. Since both of them were recognizable in every single Imperial database (really what the kriff was Draven thinking on this) they were going in as Storm Troopers ( did that ever get old?) and Jyn would splice her way into the mainframe. 

It sounded pretty simple. 

It wasn’t. 

* * *

_“WHAT THE HELL??? JYN!!”_

Cassian stood in the landing bay. If he thought Bodhi was mad after the last mission, he was downright furious. He watched Jyn and Kallus both exit off the ship, Kallus limping and his face was badly beaten. He inspected Jyn carefully, looking for any type of injury, a broken bone, sprained ligament but he couldn’t see anything. 

“You were this close! YOU WOULD HAVE DIED! Do you know that? JYN? DO YOU FUCKING KNOW THAT?” 

“Bodhi!” Cassian barked out. He needed to stop him before he said something he would regret. He moved to gently touch Bodhi’s shoulder but he shrugged him off. “Let’s check in with command -”

“No!” Bodhi said furiously. “Somebody needs to . . .” his dark eyes turned to Cassian and he could see them filling with uncontrolled emotions. “No! Cassian! She could have got herself killed. Again. And for what,” he threw back bitterly. “To save this son of a bantha?” he spit out, pointing at Kallus.

Kallus studiously took that moment to look around the hangar bay trying to find his way of escape. Cassian noticed his body was humming with energy, probably dying to get back on the ship and get the hell off of Akiva. 

“The instructions were to leave. He told us to leave him, that if he was caught, it would be too late. But noooo . . . Jyn had to go after him, got herself caught - 

Cassian sucked in a breath. If they were caught by the Empire - 

“by a bunch of fucking bounty hunters and then when I go after them, what do you think she wanted me to do? 

Cassian stayed quiet. 

“Save Kallus. Leave her and take him. 

Cassian didn’t notice Baze and Chirrut walk into the hangar but heard Baze’s whispered _little sister._

_“And when I didn’t, Cassian. When I refused - what do you think she did?”_

Cassian stared at her vest . . . at the little lump . . . _that should have been there._

 _“_ You of all people know how shitty of a shot I am and thank the fucking Force - 

“Bodhi,” Chirrut reprimanded . . . Bodhi was so faithful, so mindful of prayer . . . 

\- “that when I shot the bounty hunter, she dropped the lullaby, grabbed Kallus and we escaped.”

Cassian inhaled sharply and tried not to think of how close she had come. 

Close to death. 

Again. 

Bodhi turned angrily to Jyn. “WHY? Why Jyn? You just had to give me time, we would’ve figured it out, but you were so close, Kallus is sneaky as fuck he would have gotten out. Why? Why would you just give up? I don’t understand, Jyn.” He moved to her and grabbed her shoulders. “It’s like you don’t care Jyn. About yourself! About others! You don’t know what it was like. Those months. When you were in a coma. How close you came to dying. You don’t even know or seem to care what we went through.”

Cassian could see Jyn . . . her eyes brimming with some untold emotion and Bodhi’s words . . . her dying . . . the coma. Her reluctance to be with them . . . with him . . . her distance. He could see her, her hands tightly clenched and for a minute . . . Cassian thought for sure she was going to hit Bodhi. Her body was as tight as a cord, like she was ready to pounce and beat the kriff out of someone. But then he noticed how she was shaking, how her look at Bodhi was not of anger. She was holding it all, begging him to stop with her eyes. It was a look of naked desperation on her face. 

Bodhi continued to yell. “You can’t just keep doing this to us Jyn! I was so worried - Cassian nearly didn’t make it through - you need to take care of . . .

Cassian could see the tears welling up in Jyn’s eyes. Eyes that looked so much like her father’s. 

It finally dawned on him why Jyn was so sad.

_She was grieving._

“Bodhi,” he said quietly. “Let it go.”

Bodhi turned angrily to Cassian. “No Cassian. She needs to realize what she’s putting us through. It’s not just her she has to think about now. She has us . . . she has her family.”

_“I was with my family.”_

Cassian barely heard her whisper. 

She said it louder, gasping out. “I was with them. With my family. And you took them from me. And I was happy. Bodhi. I was HAPPY! And now I’m here, and everything is so dark and so cold and I miss my mama. I miss my papa” She turned angrily to Baze and Chirrut. Whirling around to Cassian.

“I was with them . . . at peace. And you - the people who loved me - took me from the ones I LOVED!” She stared at Cassian and took a deep breath, tears streaming down her face. “Being here . . . and not with them . . . _is killing me Cassian!_ I . . . don’t belong here. I miss _home._ ”

Cassian squeezed his eyes shut and opened them slowly. He saw the look of horror on Bodhi’s and Chirrut's face and even Baze looked upset. “Jyn,” he said mournfully and he reached out to touch her arm and she flinched, backing away from his reach and ran away.

From _them._

_From him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh so this one was hard to write. I wish I was better at writing mission scenes which is why some of the missions are talked about in the past tense. In regards to Jyn and the lullaby, I know it's hard to think of our favorite heroine losing hope and taking the lullabye (and I hope I wasn't too OC but at this point, with everything she's been through, she honestly thought Bodhi wouldn't have a chance of saving himself and Kallus if they stayed with her there. So removing her out of the equation was the best decision for her to make in order to save Bodhi and complete the mission.)
> 
> In terms of her revelation . . . definitely more to come on that in the next chapter.


	11. Rest in Peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn's time when she was in her coma.

_ She followed the creek deep in the forest and passed by vibrant flowers, small animals that ran away as she stepped on thick underbrush. She didn’t remember much. She remembered fighting, and losing but she wasn’t scared, upset or sad. She felt light. As if all the pain she had endured was gone, a fleeting pain  _ _ that she no longer remembered. She looked down at her body and the wounds she had were healed, her body felt healthy, vibrant, and alive. She remembered she had friends but she didn’t mourn for them. She didn’t miss them. The gentle current of the creek called to her. The clear water gushing over colorful rocks and glowing star fish. She wanted to see where the creek took her. She could hear a gentle hammering, a familiar sound, something that reminded her of -  _

_ She stopped as she came to an open clearing and saw an elderly man, bent over, chipping away at a stone with a chisel, the shards of the stone landing in his palm. She watched as he looked at each shard and then held it up to the sunlight. She could see the small stones glitter as the sunlight beat on them. The man put the stones in his robe and then stilled, as if he was aware someone was watching him.  _

_ He turned and Jyn saw her own eyes reflected back at her.  _

_ “Papa?”, she said, hesitantly. “Papa?” _

_ “Stardust,” Galen Erso whispered. “Jyn. Jyn!” He ran towards her and picked her up and her eyes prickled with tears. She had forgotten how he smelled - like caf and damp sea grass - and that familiar scent invaded her senses. She tightened her grip on him, her eyes squeezing shut, blocking out the last time she held him. He was here now, with her. Safe. Alive.  _

_ “Papa!!!” Jyn hugged him tight and it felt like minutes, hours before they finally separated.  _

_ Galen looked her over, cupping her face lovingly with his hands. “Jyn,” he murmured. “You . . . you shouldn’t be here. It’s not your - ” _

_ “Jyn?” _

_ Jyn turned to the familiar female voice. A voice she hadn’t heard in eighteen years but a voice she could never, ever forget. _

_ “Mama?” Jyn said softly, as if her eyes were deceiving her. _

_ “Jyn! Force!” Lyra looked at Galen and his eyes were still lit with wonder. He was trying to reconcile his emotions. He was so happy . . . so, so happy that Jyn was with them. But if she was with them, then that meant Jyn died. And she didn’t. Lyra had told him what it felt like - how she waited years for him and she knew the moment he was with her in the Force. He could feel the souls of Alderaan. But Jyn . . . he didn’t feel her, didn’t know her time had come.  _

_ He studied her as she was embraced in her mother’s arms. Lyra and him were physically here but Jyn . . . she felt so light when he hugged her and her skin had a shimmer to it unlike his and Lyra’s. She was in corporal form but she moved lightly, as if she was softly tiptoeing on the ground. She was so radiant and so beautiful. And she seemed so happy to be with them. He would take what he could get. He may not get this feeling forever but he would cherish it now, in this moment.  _

_ He walked over to Lyra and Jyn and hugged them both. His two shining stars. He caught Lyra’s eyes searching him, Jyn’s head tucked into her shoulder. He gave a slight shake of his head. Lyra squeezed her eyes shut and hugged Jyn tighter to her, Galen wrapping his arms around both of the loves of his life.  _

_ Jyn woke up slowly, stretching her body and didn’t feel any aches or pains. The sun was streaming through her window and warming her face and she was covered in a lavender blanket. She didn’t question where she was or why she was with her parents. It just felt right. She knew in her heart she had died. She knew she left people behind but she was so happy to see her parents. Her friends . . . her . . . (a memory of warm chocolate eyes smiling at her) . . . seemed so far away. Like a distant memory that faded each hour.  _

_ She wanted to remember them . . . since she had been here with her parents, she could sense people, a warm comfort in her dreams. But her dreams faded in and out. They were figures she couldn’t see but could sense had been friends. Except her dream last night. She dreamt of a little boy with brown hair, walking in the forest, trying to get her to follow him down the creek, past the field with colorful flowers, the lush green trees, past her dad studying shards of rock, past her mother in the river searching for water crystals, past the small cottage her parents shared. The boy had held out his hand to follow him deeper in the forest, where it was dark and shadowy, but she was drawn back to the sunlight in her room, of the smell of breakfast cooking, her mother’s warm flatbread and the salty convoree eggs frying in a pan. The little boy let go of her wrist slowly and she smiled at him and woke slowly up from her dream. She stared out the window of her room, noting the deep forest, wondering where the boy wanted to take her.  _

_ Galen walked into the kitchen and saw Lyra staring moodily out the window. It was rare for her to be like this. They were happy. There were with the Force. He never thought about the afterlife, what it would be like for him. After everything he had done, the weapons he had created. He didn’t think he had deserved this. But when he found Lyra and she smiled at him, he knew he was the luckiest man in the galaxy to find her twice in his life.  _

_ Lyra turned to look at him and her eyes were sad. “Lyra,” he murmured. “What’s wrong, love?” She glanced towards Jyn’s room. They had both gotten up several times in the night to check on her, to make sure she wasn’t an illusion, that they both had wanted her so badly that they were imagining her with them. But then they would see her, curled up on the bed, her innocent face peaceful in sleep.  _

_ “Galen . . .we need to talk about Jyn.” _

_ He shook his head.  _

_ “Galen,” Lyra said, disapproval in her voice. “She . . . shouldn’t be here. You know that. I know that. _

_ “She’s here for a reason, Lyra. Don’t question it. Can’t we just have this one moment? Haven’t we suffered enough? Why can’t our baby be with us?” Tears stung his eyes and he blinked furiously to wipe them away. The Force couldn’t just give Jyn back to them and take her away. After everything they had been through, seen, done. Couldn’t they just have this one chance? _

_ Lyra bit her lip and blinked. She wanted the same thing but she was always the practical one. “Galen,” she said, running her hand up his arm. “She’s different than us when we got here. Haven’t you notic-” _

_ He turned to Lyra angrily. “Yes, I noticed. She shines as bright as a star. She glimmers.” _

_ “It’s not just how she looks, Galen. I didn’t feel her. I should’ve felt her when it happened.” Lyra paused, wondering what kind of life Jyn had where she would die so young. She looked at Galen. “I’m her mama,” she whispered. “I should’ve known she was with us. But I felt nothing. With you, I felt you. I knew you were finally with me.” _

_ She gulped. “All our friends on Alderaan. We knew they were gone.” _

_ “How could we not have felt her?” _

_ Galen twirled one of the rock shards he had picked up yesterday in his hand.  _

_ “Maybe . . . maybe she’s not dead. Or she’s stuck.” He burrowed his head in his hands, leaning forward, his shoulders shaking. “My studies . . . I always focused on energy and matter. But I know . . . with the Force, there’s different planes . . . different forms of existence.” He shook his head, running his fingers through his hair, deep in thought. “I just want it to be real, Lyra. I can’t imagine not having her here with us now that I know what it’s like.” _

_ Lyra moved and wrapped her arms around her husband. “I didn’t realize I missed her until she was here,” he whispered. “I’m happy. I have you and that’s more than what I could’ve asked for. But Force, Lyra! It feels so good having her here.” _

_ “I know, Galen,” Lyra murmured.  _

_ “But does it feel right?”  _

_ She patted his back gently and got up, turning towards the stove.  _

_ “I’m going to make breakfast- fry bread and eggs?” _

_ Galen sniffed. “That was always her favorite.” _

* * *

_ They developed a routine. Jyn waking up warm and content to her mother making breakfast or her dad trying different flavors of caf with bantha creme or teas with little spritzes from the tart fruit that grew on the trees around the cottage. Her father would go out and collect rocks each day, cracking them open, inspecting them for minerals that he used to warm the cottage. Her mother would take Jyn on hikes in the forest and she would show Jyn all the different trees and animals they came across and tears would fill Lyra’s eyes as she would see Jyn’s eyes light with delight as she took in all the different animals and flowers. Her heart broke as she realized Jyn probably never had this - this sense of peace, this childhood exploration, this time to be curious and inquisitive and not be punished for it. She knew Saw Gererra wasn’t cut out to raise a child but he was their only choice. They only way they could ensure Jyn would survive the impending war.  _

_ Lyra noticed the shimmer on Jyn’s skin was fading until one day she heard a noise coming from Jyn’s room, the sound of someone falling and in pain. She ran to her room and Jyn was hunched over, her knees curled to her chest. Her eyes were open but she didn’t look at her or Galen who came running in from outside. Jyn was staring beyond them, her eyes fixed on the window and she was whispering. “Leave me, leave me.” Her skin was no longer shimmering but flickering between gusts of light and her normal skin tone. The skin that matched Galen and hers. Galen rushed over to Jyn while Lyra stayed back. “Stardust, stardust!” He gently shook Jyn’s shoulders and it was a few harrowing moments before she finally blinked and saw them. “Papa,” she said weakly and Galen hugged her to him, soothing her. Lyra noticed the sparkles slowly settle on Jyn’s skin . . . the light sprinkle of stardust her skin was adapting to.  _

_ She wanted to go to Jyn. She wanted to hug her and tell her she was okay. Something like this had never happened ever since she and Galen had found each other in this life. But it was something . . . something significant. She had a feeling Jyn was torn, stuck in a place where she was neither dead or alive and Lyra wanted so badly for Jyn to be with them forever but her other life was calling for her. The life where she died too young, the life she didn’t want to remember. The life the Force didn’t want her to leave behind yet. _

_ She was dreaming. At least she thought she was. But the last time she had this dream, she was awake and her parents were there but she was seeing past them to the little boy. And her parents looked scared. But this time in her dream . . . she was outside with the boy. But he kept changing to a man - thin and lean and a smile as bright as the galaxy but his eyes looked scared. Jyn blinked and he was back to the little boy, holding his hand out, whispering for her to come with him. To come back to him. Jyn could feel the pull, the tug in her heart to see where this boy . . . this man took her. But then she could hear her parents and she knew . . . she knew with them she was safe. She was warm. She was well-fed. She was happy. With the boy . . . the man . . . it was unknown. She could feel happiness. But then she felt loss. Pain. Hurt. Comfort. He looked at her outstretched hand, at her skin flickering with stardust and then turning dull, the monotone color of her parents. She looked back at her parents cottage and then to the boy . . . she could see . . . she could feel the warmth of the cottage beckoning to her. The boy changed back to the man and she could hear a husky whisper calling to her but then she heard her mama. Her papa. And the man changed back to the boy and Jyn felt a warmth, a surge of energy but she shook her head slowly and turned to walk back to the cottage.  _

_ She opened her eyes and her parents were in front of her, holding her hands, looking worried. “Mama. Papa,” she whispered. Her father had tears streaming down his face and her mother . . . Force her mother had always been the strong one. Her chin jutted out and she had a stubborn look on her face. “Jyn . . .” her mother said. “Can you tell us what happened?” _

_ Jyn shook her head, not wanting to tell her parents of her dreams, her visions. Of the boy that begged her to trust him. Of the slim man who told her to trust him.  _

_ “Lyra!” Galen admonished. “Don’t. Let her be.”  _

_ “Galen, we need to know. We need to help her. She -” _

_ “No!” He said firmly. He knelt down in front of Jyn, cupping her face. “Stardust, are you okay?” She nodded at him but her eyes caught the window . . . of the trees, the creek, that beckoned her outside.  _

_ She wasn’t okay.  _

* * *

_ “Mama, what do you know about the Force?”  _

_ Lyra stopped and tensed.  _

Trust in the Force, Jyn. 

_ They were on their daily walk exploring the forest and had taken a break, resting against a large tree, Jyn idly twisting the stem of a flower.  _

_ Jyn went on. “You told me to trust in the Force when I was little and I didn’t. I trusted in your belief in the Force. I trusted in people.” _

_ Lyra scooted closer to Jyn. “Honey,” she said softly. “Trusting in people is trusting in the Force, the Force is all that surrounds us. It’s hope. It’s light. It’s energy. It surrounds us, consumes us. I knew when I died . . . that your father would be with me in the Force and that one day, you would too.” _

_ Jyn nodded absently. Lyra swallowed and continued. “But honey . . . I think deep down . . . you’re not with us just yet. And I think you know that.” _

_ A small tear rolled down Jyn’s cheek. “I know I’m different. Than you and Papa.” She held the flower to her nose and took a deep breath, inhaling it’s scent.  _

_ “I have these dreams. Of people. Of friends and family.” She glanced nervously at Lyra. “The times I’ve had those episodes, there’s this man . . . he calls to me, tells me to trust him and I want to but . . . “ _

_ “Trust goes both ways,” Lyra said absently.  _

_ Jyn’s heart skipped. She had heard . . . somebody . . . told her that - no . . . somebody didn’t tell her that. She did. She remembered telling that to someone . . . a -  _

_ “What happens when you see him?” Lyra asked quietly.  _

_ “I feel this warmth, this burst of energy but then no matter how much I want to go with him, it means I would have to leave you and Papa and I can’t. I can’t lose you again.” Jyn said, her voice determined.  _

_ “Oh honey,” Lyra said, tugging Jyn to her. “Your papa and I will always be with you. No matter what. We’re always with you.” Jyn rested her head on her mother’s shoulder. “I know, mama. I know.” _

* * *

The sparkles on Jyn’s skin had nearly faded. Whereas before Jyn was light and glimmered, her skin tone was resembling Lyra’s and Galen’s. Lyra knew something momentous was going to happen. Everytime her skin dulled Jyn would have an episode. But this time . . . Jyn would need to make a final choice. 

_ They were on their daily walk and Galen had joined them. He had been quiet on the walk, his eyes downcast. They were taking a deeper path into the forest and Jyn remembered the scenery from her dreams. But it wasn’t scary or frightening. She had her parents with her. She was safe.  _

_ They had been walking for an hour when Jyn started to feel sick. Her head was hurting her and she was feeling lethargic. Her skin was itching and her body was feeling like it was twisting in different directions. She looked down at her skin and she should could see her sparkles were shifting - exploding into painful points of light. _

_ “Mama,” she whimpered, holding her arms out to her. Her mother looked at her and Jyn immediately knew what her mother was thinking. _

_ “No!” She cried. “No! I don’t want to leave you.” Her parents stepped back from her and looked past her and Jyn turned around and saw a bright light, the figure of a boy . . . and the shapes of her friends, a woman in white robes. They were calling her, beckoning her home and she . . . she was so tempted. But she was happy. She was with her parents. She was safe. She was loved. But she felt this need, this tug coming from the light. They needed her. She turned to look back at her parents. The trees were shaking, winds picking up and she could feel her hair whipping furiously around her face. She reached her hand out towards her mama. Towards her papa. He stepped forward but then Lyra placed a hand on his arm. “Stardust,” he whispered. “It’s not your time with us. Not yet. We’ll see you. We will find you in the Force but later, Jyn. Later.” _

_ “NO!” she screamed. She ran towards her parents but she couldn’t reach them. The white light behind her throbbed and pulsed and then it exploded into a haze of stardust and Jyn closed her eyes and let the light consume her.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo . . . I hope this wasn't too anticlimactic and disappointing. I know some of you who are reading didn't watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer but I got the idea for this fic from (SPOILER IF YOU EVER DO WATCH BUFFY) in Season 6 when Buffy dies saving the world and her friends think she's in a hell dimension and use dark magic to bring her back. But Buffy wasn't in a hell dimension - she was in heaven and at peace but doesn't want to tell her friends they took her from heaven. Had to adjust a bit to accommodate of course for Star Wars AU. 
> 
> So for Jyn's time in her coma, I hope it wasn't too confusing. Pretty much every time Jyn has an episode is when she’s about to die and be fully with her parents but Kalonia revives her and she continues to be in her coma state. The final time she has an episode is when they're on the Redemption and they're about to get attacked by Imps. 
> 
> In terms of Jyn not wanting to leave her parents - in my mind, especially after Algor and losing her team, she feels safe and happy. Going back to Cassian means the unknown, people she loved dying which is why she's content with her parents.


	12. So Far Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn's perspective when she woke up on the Redemption.

“I was happy. I was at peace. When . . . they brought me back, the alarms on the ship were blaring, Leia, Bodhi and Chirrut,” she paused, taking a deep breath, “I thought they were dead. There was smoke, fire . . . and I thought _I’m in hell._ I thought . . . somehow the dark side of the Force had taken me from the light.”

She paused and looked at Cassian, cupping his face with her hands. 

“But then I saw you.”

He drew back and waited . . . _she saw him?_

“I saw you on the comms and I knew. I knew there was no way you would be in the dark. You were . . . are,” she corrected, “my light.” Warmth and _his Force filled love for her bloomed in his belly._ He could feel himself starting to flush, never realizing that she saw him as he saw her. 

Jyn continued. 

“I knew at that moment that I had to save you. That I didn’t come back for you to die. But I was weak, I could barely stand . . . I grabbed Kalonia’s stash of adrenaline, injected myself with it and found you.” She shrugged her shoulders and glanced at him from the corner of her eye. “I don’t know what I would have done if I had lost you.”

He took a deep breath, thinking how close they had come to losing everything. Then the memory of what she had said, that she was happy, that she had been with her parents flooded his senses. He squeezed his eyes shut, his heart beating rapidly, trying to comprehend the fact that _he took her from her parents. From people she loved and even when she had been ripped away from those she loved, all she could think about was saving him. That he was worth it._

But then he saw how she was holding herself, the look in her eyes, the grief she was trying to keep locked down and it finally dawned on him. 

_She woke up alone._

_She had died alone._

His fists tightened and he wanted to scream, rip something to shreds. He had been by her side for a year, whispering promises she couldn't hear that he would never leave, that he was _with her all the way._ But the Empire . . . the fucking Empire took him from her when she needed him the most. When she was alone, scared, confused. He took a deep breath, his body shuddering and he blinked back the tears that had been forming. She looked at him and he tried to shutter the pain in his eyes and she shook her head slowly . . . _begging him not to lie._

“Jyn,” he murmured, scooting closer to her. She smiled at him weakly and nestled her head against his shoulders. After her confrontation with Bodhi, she had ran outside and it took him a few moments to comprehend . . . to realize what she had said . . . _that she had been at peace._ By the time he realized she was gone, he chased after her, ignoring the sentry who dutifully looked the other way when Cassian stormed past him, trying to track her down. He found her in her usual spot, sitting a good distance from the lake, staring at the deep blue waters. He had sat down quietly next to her and she started talking . . . about her time with her parents. 

He had flinched, could feel the bile rising up in his throat when Jyn talked about the times she was being pulled back, when she was in pain and seeing her skin fade. When she said how many times it happened, he had to physically keep himself from getting up and punching the nearest tree. _It was his fault. He had begged Kalonia to revive her. That’s when she was being pulled back . . . (but she would have died damnit!)._

He got on his knees and turned to her. “I’m so sorry, Jyn. I . . . “ he squeezed his eyes shut.

_How could he apologize for reviving her all those times. He hated, absolutely hated that they took her from her parents but she was alive, to them she was fucking alive! He couldn’t let her die. He couldn’t let her go when she was still breathing, when she had a pulse, when she had a heartbeat. She hadn’t been dead to them!_

“Kalonia wanted to take you off life support. She told me to do it” - he choked back a sob - “but I couldn’t. I couldn’t watch you die. On the ship . . . right before we were attacked . . . I had been wearing your kyber crystal. I wanted you close to me but when I thought . . . when the ship was boarded, I had to protect you at all costs. I made Bodhi take your necklace.” He looked at her and wiped his eyes. “I knew that if you woke up you would want it.” 

Jyn absentmindedly twirled the crystal in her hands. “Chirrut thinks . . . the power of the kyber crystal and Luke using the Force . . . that it was the shock my body needed to wake up.”

Cassian nodded, swallowing thickly. “He mentioned it to me when we came back.” He turned to face her and _Force he couldn’t stop shaking._ “Jyn . . . I . . .” He was at a loss. _How could he tell her sorry for saving her, for bringing her back to them. How could he ask for her forgiveness when she was so unhappy. How could she forgive him when he wasn’t sorry?_ She nodded at him, her eyes glistening, understanding what he couldn’t bring himself to say. 

“I know, Cassian. I know that medically speaking I wasn’t dead.” Tears started to steam down her face. “But in my heart, Cassian, in my heart, it was so real and I felt so happy!” She shook her head vigorously. “It wasn’t a dream. Dreams are forgotten. Dreams fade away. It was real. That’s why now, being here,” her fists clenched up and her shoulders were trembling, “It is so hard being here, trying to be happy, trying to be who I was before.” She turned to him and clutched his hands tightly. “I hate how I feel. I hate that I can’t be happy, that I’m awake and alive but I feel as if I’ve lost my parents twice, and I’m so tired of losing them, Cassian. I’m so tired of finding my parents and losing them all over again.” Her face crumpled and her lips thrust forward in a heart wrenching sob. “My papa, Cassian. All the things he wanted to tell me . . “ she brokenly sobbed out, “I had my papa.”

He held onto her tightly, her body fitting perfectly against his. It felt so right for her to be in his arms but he hated that she was so sad. Jyn’s confession weighed heavily on both of them, as if it had opened up this chasm, this invisible canyon between them that he didn’t know how to jump. 

He pulled back and cleared his throat, a question tearing at his throat. “Jyn . . .” he said, whispering her name. “The lullaby. Did you . .” he squeezed his eyes shut, refusing to ask the question that was burning through his mind. “Why did you take it?” 

She inhaled sharply, her mind a mess of what she wanted to say. 

_I miss my mama. I miss my Papa. My skin itches and burns and it’s tearing me apart._

She loosened her grip on him and stared back out at the lake.

“When the bounty hunters grabbed us . . . I honestly that was it. Kallus had the data and the priority was to get him to the ship and I knew Bodhi wouldn’t make that choice.” She shrugged her shoulders. “So I made it for him.”

Cassian shook his head. “No Jyn. I understand that. I want to know why you took it from Draven?”

He definitely wasn’t letting her get off so easy. She took a deep breath and looked back out at the water. “I need to throw myself back into things, Cassian. I need to have that hope again, that life and I know I shouldn’t have taken the pill from Draven. I know that it hurt you and I think I wanted to hurt you. I wanted you to get mad, to tell me I was acting like a horrible person. I just wanted to feel something, something other than this fog I’m in. I thought if I took it and the push I would get to avoid taking it . . .” 

She could see the flash of hurt in his eyes, knowing that she deliberately set out to hurt him and her stomach knotted, knowing she caused him pain. He got up slowly, and she could feel his bones slowly cracking, unwinding as he dusted dirt and grass from his pants. She expected him to walk away, to leave her there to her selfishness, but instead he turned to look at her, his dark eyes boring into her. She was so focused on staring at him that she didn’t see his outstretched hand, offering to help her up. She stared at his hand . . . the hand that she knew held hers the months she was asleep, the hand that brushed her hair every day and gently massaged her muscles, the hand that would always help her no matter what. She took it and he helped her up, pulling her to him, his face nuzzling her neck. “Promise me,” he said softly, his lips softly ghosting over her neck and Jyn shivered, goosebumps traveling up her side and her face flushed. _At least that part of her wasn’t dead, she idly mused._ “No more lullabyes, okay? I don’t care if you’re millions of light years away, I will find you. I will come for you. We’re in this together, okay? We’ll get through this, Jyn,” he said firmly. “I promise.”

Jyn looked at the man who kept coming back for her no matter what. And she made a vow . . . a promise to herself that she _could do this for him. She would be happy._ She remembered the elevator in the data tower, how she looked at him and wished that she could have more time . . . more time to know him . . . to love him. She was given another chance and she could do this. _For him._

* * *

“Bodes!” Jyn said, setting her tray on the table, brushing away the strands of hair that had fallen out of her customary bun. Cassian followed behind her, sneaking a look at Bodhi’s face. 

_After their talk, Jyn had gone to find Bodhi to talk to him. Cassian watched them sitting on the loading ramp of Bodhi’s ship, their shoulders shaking and Jyn turning into Bodhi’s arms and Bodhi’s eyes met Cassian’s as he looked over her trembling shoulders. The look of devastation on his face . . . Cassian could see it for miles. Cassian nodded in understanding and had left the flight bay so they could have their privacy._ Since then, they had been thick as thieves, inseparable. Cassian was glad to see their friendship had been repaired, that Jyn was slowly coming back around. 

He looked at the empty seats next to Bodhi. “Where are Chirrut and Baze?” Those two old-timers never missed breakfast. Bodhi looked at Cassian, perplexed. “Draven didn’t tell you?” Cassian rolled his eyes. Everyone thought he was Draven’s favorite but even the old man kept secrets from him. He gave Bodhi an expectant look while Jyn looked up, her eyes mildly curious after she had inhaled her food. Bodhi looked at Jyn then back at Cassian. “Apparently Draven sent them on a mission. Said they were the only ones that could do it.”

Cassian nearly spit out his caf while Jyn choked down the last of her muffin. She turned to Cassian, her eyes spitting fire and Cassian briefly thought _there’s my girl_ before he realized she had painfully clutched onto his hand. “So help me to the Force, Cassian. Draven never sends Baze and Chirrut anywhere. What the kriff is he up to?” 

Cassian was surprised ( _actually shocked)_ that Draven had sent the Guardians out but he kept his face neutral, not wanting to worry Jyn even more. She was itching for a fight, the intensity that had been overshadowed by her grief was threatening to overflow and he didn’t want Draven to be the recipient of that anger. 

He turned her hand slowly, caressing her wrist. “I’ll find out. I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.” Bodhi went back to eating his food while Jyn looked through her datapad, her nose scrunched up, deep in thought. Cassian’s comm went off and he looked at it. “Speaking of the devil,” he murmured, reading the summons from Draven’s assistant. He got up slowly from the table, embarrassment coloring his face when his back cracked loudly. Jyn looked up at him, a frown flitting across her face while Bodhi cringed. Cassian had noticed certain noises bugged Bodhi - cracks, slaps, faceplants. Sometimes Baze would crack his knuckles on purpose just to see the comically scared look on Bodhi’s face. Jyn placed her palm against his back, the warmth of her skin permeating through his thin shirt. “You okay?” she asked, concerned. He nodded. “Yeah . . . I’m fine. Just need to get back to doing my stretches.” Jyn bit her lip and looked down. Cassian immediately regretted it. He had been on a good routine with his exercises and therapy for his back but ever since . . . ever since Jyn woke up, he had been so preoccupied with helping her, that he had been neglecting himself. “Hey,” he said, cupping her chin to look at him. She stared back at him, her mossy green eyes cloudy. “We can go to the gym tonight, okay?” She nodded her head yes and was about to ask him something when his comm went off again. Cassian sighed. It was never a good sign when even Draven’s aide had lost patience. “I better go,” he said. Jyn looked up at him, a small smile on her face. “Let me know what you hear, okay?”

“Of course,” he said. He nodded to Bodhi and made his way to Draven’s office, wondering what the old spy was up to now. 

* * *

“We’re sending her to Tamsye Prime.” 

Cassian nearly dropped his datapad. “Why?” he demanded. Just as Cassian hated the Ring of Kafrene and Jeno . . . _he wasn’t going to think about that . . ._ Jyn hated Tamsye Prime just as much. He remembered her whispered confession . . . of Saw leaving her . . .being stuck in a bunker, starving, with no credits and being sixteen and having to fend for her life. 

Draven pinched the bridge of his nose. _Why did he always have to explain himself to Andor nowadays. Kriff!_

He looked at Cassian, unblinking. “There’s a rumor that part of Gerrera’s Dream cell is still alive and they’re hiding on Tamsye Prime. They have intel. We've agreed to share data and extract them. Jyn knows how they operate, their maneuvers. She’s critical to this mission. We need to make sure it's not a trap.”

Cassian stared at Draven, his eyes unblinking. “Who else is going with her?” He’d be damned if Kallus went with her. Plus Kallus and the Partisans did not have a good history. They spared his life once. Cassian wasn’t too sure if they would do it again. 

“It’s a solo mission. Rook will pilot.” _Wait, what?_ “No. No way. She’s not going by herself. Chirrut and Baze can go with her,” Cassian said, trying to reason with the General. Draven huffed out a sigh. “They’re not available at the moment.”

_Which left Cassian with the perfect opening._

“Where did you send them Draven?” The rapid blink of Draven’s eye was the only tell that Cassian knew he backed him into a corner. “That’s none of your concern, Major.” 

Cassian stayed quiet, staring at Draven. He stared back and steely brown eyes clashed with ice blue ones. Draven was the first to look away, blinking. “They’re on a mission. We received some weak intel on . . . prisoners. Rebellion prisoners. We don’t know if it’s true but Chirrut and Baze are the only ones with the skillset to get into the location.” Cassian arched his eyebrow. Not too many spies could pull off a rescue operation. _Melshi . . . Tonc . . . his heart grew sad as he thought of how they retrieved Jyn out of Wobani. Cleverness and brute force._ He squeezed his eyes shut and opened them up, eyeing Draven. If he had to pick a team for a prison break, it would definitely be Chirrut and Baze. And Jyn. 

“Fine. But I go . . .” Draven went to argue but Cassian cut him off. “I’ll pilot. I’ll stay on the ship and Bodhi can back her up.” 

“Andor, Rook is hardly cut for intell -” Cassian cut him off. “He’s not but it’s better than her going alone. Not again.” He tried to be firm but his voice wavered. _He couldn’t let her go alone. Not like how she died. Not again._

Draven nodded his head in understanding. “Fine. But you so much as take a step out of that ship and I’ll demote you so fast that you’ll be scrubbing freshers for a month Cassian. I don’t kriffin care what Kalonia’s stupid med team says about your back.”

Cassian nodded and left. 

* * *

_Tamsye Prime. They were sending her to the place where she had been abandoned by her family, by the man who had raised her like his own daughter. The planet where someone in Saw’s group was planning on betraying her and selling her to the highest bidder. The Empire._

Jyn stared out the window of the U-wing as the planet came into view. 

She felt a warm hand on her shoulder. _Bodhi._

“Jyn . . . are you okay?’ She nodded her head. She needed to focus on the mission. She was supposed to meet one of Saw’s partisans, exchange the intel for the code to one of the Empire’s weapons plants. She was surprised Draven was willing to give it up but the old spy had his reasons . . . far be it for her to question him (the old Jyn . . . the one that was simmering below the surface wanted to hit Draven in the face every day . . . ). 

She nodded at Bodhi and gave him a small smile. She walked over to the front of the ship, Cassian taking off his headgear and glancing back at her, his face solemn. “You’re supposed to meet them outside the cafe - there’s an outdoor patio. You know there won’t be one but - “

Jyn cut him off. “Partisans travel in teams . . . but ever since Jedha, and Jeosyn, their numbers have dwindled. Whenever Saw was low on men . . . it was one sometimes two if we could afford it. 

She could literally hear Cassian’s teeth grinding at the mention of her doing missions alone at 14, 15 years old. She rubbed his shoulder, trying to reassure him. “Cass . . . it’s okay. I was scrappy at 15. Now I’m just deadly. I’ll be fine.”

He watched her quietly while she slowly weaponized herself. Truncheons attached at the hip. Vibroblade in her boots. Thermal detonators . . .wait _detonators_ \- _plural -?_ He looked at her questioningly when he saw the grenades, thinking back to her mission with Kay and Bodhi . . . the slavers . . . blowing up the cantina. 

“Jyn . . .” _shit . . .how did he tell his explosive loving girlfriend that she can’t just keep blowing up businesses in Imperial ran cities._

She smirked at him. “Cass . . . don’t worry. I promise I won’t blow up a building.” She motioned for Bodhi to follow her and Bodhi looked meekly at Cassian, following her out to the landing bay. 

_Later . . . much later . . . he realized she was very specific about what she would not blow up._

* * *

Jyn looked over her datapad one last time. They were supposed to meet the contact at a cafe. _Better than a fucking canyon floor._ The Empire had been using Tamsye Prime as one of their main weapons building planets and of course the young entrepreneurs of the planet had developed industries that could serve their newly found clientele - posh cantinas and trendy cafes that had millions of flavors of caf. Jyn wanted to scream and tear into the people that were quietly sipping caf, completely oblivious to the war that was surrounding the galaxy.

“It would help if you smiled,” Bodhi said, his voice light over the comm. She had given Bodhi specific instructions to head out in front of her and he had taken up a spot in an outdoor cantina that had a good view of the cafe Jyn was supposed to go to. 

“I am smiling,'' she hissed. 

“Jyn, the last time I saw you smile like that, Solo had just -”

He paused and he saw Jyn abruptly stop walking, her eyes locking in on the cafe entrance. “Kriff, Jyn. I’m so sorry . . . I know he was your frie-”

“Bodhi, shut up!” she hissed. 

_Bodhi frowned. It wasn't like Jyn to get so riled up at him. But then . . . Jyn hadn’t been_ Jyn _lately either._

_Her next words scared the shit out of him._

“Bodhi, it’s a trap. GO TO THE SHIP NOW!” Bodhi jumped up from the chair he had been sitting on outside, spilling his ale. The waiter droid fluttered over to clean up his mess and Bodhi used it as an opportunity to slink away. Jyn and Cassian had both programmed into him that when they yelled ‘GO’, he better freaking go. 

“Jyn,” he murmured into the comm. “Jyn, you need to leave.” 

All he heard was a whisper “ _that sonofabantha survived”_ and he turned to look back at the cafe. He saw another human, a man about ten years older than Jyn, smiling dangerously at her. 

_Kriff. She knew this person._

He saw her reach into her pocket - _oh shit Jyn not another building -_ and then the next thing he knew, there was smoke and all hell had broken loose. 

* * *

She recognized him the minute she caught his ugly face. _That bastard survived. She KNEW this was a trap. Fucking Draven!_

She took one look at Reece, who time had not been kind to, reached into her pocket and threw a flash grenade. She needed a distraction so she could run like hell, get Reece away from all the people. He would have no qualms about taking down innocent people to get to her. She started running, dodging people that were trying to run away from the shops and she could feel the blaster bolts flying by her, trying to take her down but not kill her. She remembered seeing a shortcut on the map of the city, one that cut through alleys to get her back to the landing bay. She cut through the alley and then she realized where she had ended up. 

_The bunker._

The place where Saw had dumped her. Had given her a blaster and told her he would be back. 

And Jyn did the worst thing she could have done. 

She froze. 

* * *

“I didn’t think you would be so easy to catch,” said Reece. Circling around her carefully, a blaster trained on her forehead. “Drop the blaster, cub. And I want to see that one you have on your hip too.”

Jyn knew Reece wasn’t alone. He may have been foolish enough to approach her by himself but she would bet he had at least two men hidden in the alley. She slowly lowered her blaster to the concrete. Reece raised his eyebrow at her. “The other one?” Jyn clenched her fist and slowly grabbed the blaster she had on her utility belt. _She was so going to kill him this time._ “Don’t try anything funny. I know you’re not here alone - I’m sure the Empire wouldn’t mind knowing the defector pilot they thought died on Scarif is well and alive. And let’s not forget your spy lover back on the ship that’s on the Empire’s Top 10 list. 

She blinked slowly, the rage slowly snaking its way through her body. _No way. Not Cassian. Not Bodhi. They were not going to die at the hands of this scum. She was going to do more than just kill Reece now. She was going to make him pay._

She put her blaster on the ground and slowly raised her arms up, placing them behind her head. Reece smiled triumphantly at her and she used that brief distraction and grabbed the vibroblade hidden in her bun and hurled it at Reece, the blade slashing the side of his face before it clattered to the ground. He howled out in pain and Jyn thrust her arms out, her truncheons snapping out from their hidden position. She struck hard and fast, swinging the truncheon at Reece’s face, his head flinging back from the force of her hit. Blood spattered out and she swung her truncheon to his temple, knocking him to the ground. She pounced on him, her fists hitting his face, his stomach, her rage fueling the power in her fists. She was going to kill him for threatening to take her _family_ away.

Not here. Not on this planet. 

White noise filled her ears and all she could hear were bones cracking under her fist. She thought she heard “Jyn” being shouted over and over again. She looked down at Reece, who was still alive, but barely breathing from the force of her hits. He had managed to land one of his jabs - the hidden vibroblade slashing across her cheek. She heard her name again . . . but it wasn’t Bodhi’s panicked voice . . . it was a firm voice, a soothing voice. A voice she could recognize in her dreams. _Cassian._ She looked up at the alley they were in and saw Bodhi and Cassian and - _kriff no!_

“Leave him . . . Jyn . .” Cassian shouted. _Leave it. The man in white dying slowly from a blaster hit._ She blinked. She saw Reece, slumped over, his face bloody and bruised. He was muttering something she couldn’t hear and she tugged on his shoulders, propping him up against the building. “You come near me or my family again and I will kill you, Reece.” 

His next words condemned him. “I’ll find you Jyn. You, the Alliance and you’ll all die. The pilot. The spy. Your precious Guardians. I’ll tell the Empire you’re still alive and they will use every single resource to track you down and torture you and kill you. You’re better off killing me now.”

Jyn patted him on the shoulder, as if they were old friends. “I'll always beat you Reece. Always.”

She turned away and walked towards Cassian and Bodhi and aimed her blaster at them, pulling the trigger twice. The two assassins that were coming up behind them dropped to the ground. She saw the look of horror on Bodhi’s face when he saw how bad she had beat up Reece.

The explosion behind Jyn, from the grenade she left kindly in Reece’s lap, left nothing but fire and destruction in her wake.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title inspired by Staind [So Far Away](https://youtu.be/QCZXjB9DPl4)
> 
> For those who haven't read Rebels Rising which is the Jyn prequel book, Reece used to work for Saw but then figured out who Jyn was and sold Jyn and Saw out to the Empire which results in Saw abandoning Jyn.


	13. Goodbye to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn and Bodhi are at odds about Tamsye Prime.

The flight back to the base was quiet. Nobody had gotten hurt yet something happened. Something that fractured Jyn and her friendship with Bodhi. Cassian understood why Jyn did it. He had been trained to never leave a witness behind. _Leave the scene clean . . . or in Jyn’s case messier than you found it._ Reece had been a liability. A dangerous liability. But he hated . . . absolutely hated that Jyn had to do it. That he couldn’t have killed Reece himself. Every time he killed someone, it also killed a piece of him. A piece of who he was. _Cassian._ He hated to see Jyn go down this spiral. She rarely ever killed unless she had to, if she was protecting her life or his. Or Bodhi, Baze, Chirrut. 

He sighed heavily as he monitored the coordinates. He could hear Bodhi and Jyn arguing. He got up to intervene before their fight became worse but it was too late. 

“You didn’t have to kill him!” Bodhi shouted. “He was already hurt. We could have taken him as a prisoner.”

“We didn’t have time, Bodhi. He had to die.” Jyn said coldly, her rage from earlier turning into a chilling calm. She cleaned her vibroblade with the edge of her shirt and Bodhi blanched as he realized she was cleaning Reece’s blood off of it. 

“We don’t kill, Jyn. We’re no better than the Empire if that’s what we have to resort to.” 

Cassian squeezed his eyes shut. _Oh Jyn please don’t -_

“At least I never worked for _them,_ ” Jyn hissed. 

Bodhi flinched, Jyn’s words cutting him to the core. Then he looked at her, his eyes showing the hurt she inflicted on him. But instead of him fighting back and arguing with her, he slumped down on the bench, shaking his head. 

“This isn’t you Jyn. I know . . . I know it’s been rough but . . . I can’t stand to see you do this to yourself. You’ve always fought for what’s right but now . .. you’re just being cruel.” He got up and walked to the cargo hold of the ship, turning his back on her. 

Cassian should have stopped them before it got worse but he didn’t want to get in the middle. He would back Jyn no matter what - she needed to know he would be by her side regardless of what she did. _She_ _forgave him. After Eadu - she had forgiven him for lying to her, for getting her father killed. She never cringed or showed revulsion when he would wake up from nightmares and confess to her of the people he killed. People who trusted him. Soldiers he had to leave behind for the good of the Rebellion. He would never judge her or her actions. It was all for the cause._

But Bodhi was the opposite of them. He had a heart of gold and believed there was good in everyone. He understood where Bodhi was coming from . . . but in the end it was a war and people like him and Jyn had to make the tough decisions. 

He heard footsteps . . . most likely Jyn . . . from the way she was stomping. She threw herself in the seat next to him, sighing. He could see specks of blood on her shirt from her fight with Reece, the ash in her hair, a slight scratch on her cheek. He reached out and ran his thumb gently down the scratch. “You need something for this?” he asked cheekily. She glared at him and grabbed his hand, taking it in her own and she sighed softly. 

“I shouldn’t have said that to Bodhi,” she said, her eyes downcast. 

Cassian nodded, not agreeing or disagreeing with her. “I’m sure he understands Jyn. He’s just worried about you.” 

She stayed quiet and looked at the blue streaks of light outside the window of the ship. “I lost it with Reece. Being there on that planet . . . that alley.” She squeezed her eyes shut. “It’s where Saw left me.” Cassian could hear the tremor in her voice. She rarely spoke of Saw and how his leaving affected her. He had heard of Saw’s _cub, his little lion warrior_ when he was searching for Liana Hallick and he knew how that cub had to turn into a raging lioness left alone in a galaxy that wanted to tear her apart. 

“The alley . . .and then Reece threatened Bodhi. Threatened you. And I just saw red. I couldn’t let him get away. You . . . Bodhi . . . would have been in danger and it would have been all my fault.”

Cassian shook his head, his mouth forming into a grim line. “You know it’s not your fault,” he said, his voice bitter. He waved his hand angrily in front of the window, as if the bright harsh streaks of hyperspace symbolized all that was evil with the Empire. “None of this is your fault. Reece knew too much, we had weak intel, we . . .I . . . ” and he fumbled with his words, wanting to say _I should have been there. More people should have had your back. You shouldn’t have been alone._ Jyn cupped his hand and turned towards him, her hand reaching for his back, where metal met his bone. He leaned back and she scrambled from her seat to his lap, her hand gently caressing him under his shirt and he closed his eyes, feeling a wave of pleasure, of comfort, of safety. 

Her head dipped down to his forehead and her lips brushed his forehead. “Don’t,” she whispered. “Don’t blame yourself. I . . .,” and she shuddered, the memory of him in that alley with Bodhi, Reece’s assassins sneaking up on them. She took a deep breath and pushed out. “You should have stayed on the ship. I can’t lose you, Cassian. I need you.”

He wrapped his arms around her and rested his forehead against her chest. “I can’t lose you, either, Jyn. Not again.” 

They hugged each other tightly as the streaks of hyperspace flashed through the dimness of the ship. 

* * *

Draven was waiting for them when they landed. Jyn was helping Cassian grab some equipment and noticed Bodhi talking to Draven, nodding his head, a look of relief on his face. She started to head down the ramp when she heard the last of Draven’s words to Bodhi. 

“You’ll head out to Thila base this evening and report to General Syndulla when you arrive. Pack light - you can pick up the rest of your supplies when you get there. 

Jyn looked from Bodhi to Draven and then back at Bodhi. “You’re sending him out on another mission” she asked. “He just got back for Force sake, give him a break.” Draven looked over at Bodhi, his eyebrows raised.

“What?” she said, her face confused. “What’s going on? Bodhi, what aren’t you telling me?”

Bodhi looked down at his boots and then slowly back up at Jyn. Then he said the words that made Jyn’s world fall apart. 

“I’m leaving. Thila needs more transport pilots and I volunteered.” Jyn saw Cassian freeze as he made his way down the ship and she could tell he was just as shocked as her. 

She shook her head slowly . . . as if Bodhi’s words were still trying to make its way through her ears. “You can’t leave. We’re . . . I mean it’s all us here. Why . . . you can’t leave . . ” she said, grabbing Bodhi’s arm. “Why do you want to leave?” 

Bodhi refused to answer her. The sorrow in his eyes was more than an answer for her. 

“Is it me?” she whispered. _Everyone always left because of her. Her papa, her mama. Saw. Even Chirrut and Baze had left the base on a mission without her. Why did everyone go?_

“Are you leaving because of me?” she asked, her face crumpling and she could feel her body shaking, her fists clenching. _He was leaving because of her. She was too flaky, violent. Bodhi couldn’t stand to be around her. Bodhi didn’t like this version of her. She knew she wasn’t the same since coming back from her coma. That she was harsh. Mean. Bitter._

She squeezed her eyes shut and she could feel a roaring in her ears, hoping to drown out Bodhi’s response. She felt a calloused hand lightly touch her wrist and she flung her arm back, the sensation burning her skin. She shut down the pain, the hurt and locked it away. She had all these emotions burning through her - loss, sadness, pain, regret and she would lock away this other emotion, the pain of losing her friend, and she would move on and pretend as if it wasn’t tearing her heart to pieces that he was leaving. 

She opened her eyes back and stared coolly at Bodhi. “Jyn,” he said, his hand still hovering above her wrist. She could feel Cassian come up behind her, the slight pressure of his hand hovering on her back and she drew comfort in it, in his reassuring presence. 

“It’s not you, Jyn,” Bodhi said, trying to reassure her. “I just . . . I needed something _different_ and I asked Draven if any bases had openings. It’s not you, I swear.” His eyes shifted to the south end of the hangar and landed on Skywalker who was messing around with his R2 unit on the transport ship. Luke - as if sensing Bodhi’s glance - looked up and smiled brightly at him and Jyn could have sworn she saw Bodhi’s ears flush red. 

The heaviness she felt earlier . . . the paranoia that Bodhi was leaving because of her eased off of her but she still felt it was her fault. Kallus . . . her mission . . . the one before. The one on Tamsye Prime had put him at risk. She was supposed to protect him, protect her team and Bodhi just wanted to come back in one piece and not charred to ashes. Instead he was going on missions with her and she was putting him at risk. She wanted desperately to scream, to promise that she would keep him safe, that he didn’t need to leave but she stayed quiet, her body tense, hands clenched at her side, trying hard not to punch something. 

“Rook . . .” Draven said impatiently, nodding towards the ship that Skywalker was working on.

The itch to punch something was getting harder to resist.

Bodhi’s eyes flashed in surprise, realizing they were waiting for him. “You have to go now?” Jyn asked softly. Bodhi nodded and bent to pick up the same bag he had packed for Tamsye Prime. He stepped hesitantly towards Jyn and stretched his arms to her and she walked into them silently, tears and her emotions spilling over while her body was wracked with sobs. “You’ll come back, right? Bodhi! Promise me you’ll come back.” She clutched him tightly to her. “I promise, Jyn. I’ll be back. I promise.” He stepped out of her embrace and Jyn looked at him one last time. Her eyes darted toward the ship waiting for him and the hangar exit, at the forest beckoning outside. “I . . . better go . . .” she mumbled and she walked swiftly outside. Bodhi looked at her leaving and then turned back to Cassian. Cassian clutched him on the shoulder and gave him a meaningful look. 

“Take care of her Cassian. She needs you more than you know.” He looked down at his boots and then back up at Cassian. “I . . . can’t . . .,” his eyes started to tear up and he wiped at them furiously. “I just can’t stand to see her do this to herself, Cassian.” 

“I know, Bodhi. I understand. She’ll . . . she’ll get better. I know she will.” 

“I hope for your sake, she does, Cassian. We can’t lose her again.” 

“ROOK!” Bodhi visibly jumped. Draven’s patience was wearing thin. “I better go.” He hugged Cassian tightly. “You’ll call me, right? When you find it?” Cassian nodded his head and patted him on the shoulder. “Be safe, Bodes. And come back.”

Bodhi looked at him one last time before he jogged over to Skywalker and both of them boarded the ship set for Thila base. 

* * *

He found her by their usual spot at the lake. He noticed there were days in which she would toe close to the edge, a look of longing on her face, as if she wanted to shed everything off of her, the mental weight she carried and just swim out her demons, but then other days, _most days,_ she would sit at a distance and watch the soft ripples of the water, deep in thought. 

Today was one of those days. 

He sat down next to her, sneaking his arm around her waist and tugged her to him. She turned to look at him and he could see the tear stained cheeks and the trembling lip. “Where are Baze and Chirrut, Cassian? Did they leave because of me? Because they can’t stand to see me? How I am?” 

His eyes opened wide and shock poured through his body. How could she think that? _No._ “Jyn, No! No! They didn’t leave because of you. They’re on a mission . . . Draven couldn’t . . . or wouldn’t,” he corrected, “give me the specifics, but he specifically needed them. They didn’t leave because of you, honey. Why would you think that?” 

Her shoulders slumped. “Bodhi left,” she mumbled. “He left because of me.” 

“Jyn,” he pleaded. “Don’t. No. Bodhi just needed some time. It wasn’t you, honey.” Jyn gave him a look, _like really Cassian, you’re a better liar than this._

“You know him and Skywalker are . . .,” Cassian said, trying to get her mind off of Bodhi. Jyn smiled at him, a little light coming alive in her eyes. “Are what, Cassian?” Cassian squirmed. He hated to gossip and talk about other people's love lives. “You know . . . they’re together,” he said and he could feel himself blushing. “I think that’s why he wanted the transfer to Thila. Skywalker’s going to train a new squadron there.”

Jyn nodded solemnly. “He wants to be close to the person he loves,” she said, her mossy green eyes gazing up at Cassian. “Makes sense,” he murmured, dipping his head down to hers, his lips brushing over her forehead.

“Makes a lot of sense,” she agreed, snuggling her head against him. She closed her eyes, enjoying the presence of the person she loved next to her. 


	14. Discoveries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unexpected visitor brings Jyn's emotions to the surface.

Jyn was on her way to the command center when her comm went off - a notification from Cassian that Baze and Chirrut were back. She smiled and exhaled in relief. She knew those two old fools could handle themselves but she had been worried. Her comm went off again but she ignored the message and she raced to the hangar to greet them. 

She was surprised to find more than the usual crowd in the hangar. Draven, Leia, - her heart stopped when she saw medics in tow, _what the kriff, please Force, please don’t let them be hurt -._ She couldn’t . . . _no . . . they were the strongest men she knew. They had to be okay._ Her heart started hammering and her hands clenched into tight fists as she waited for the ship to dock.

She relaxed when she saw Chirrut ambling down the ramp of the ship, Baze in tow behind him. Both looked dusty, their clothes tattered, like they hadn’t showered since they left. Chirrut looked up at Jyn and smiled and Jyn looked past Chirrut and Baze to the man stumbling behind them and her eyes widened and she had to blink twice in disbelief. 

_What the ever loving Force!_

Time stood still. She remembered seeing Cassian running breathless into the hangar, the Princess crumpling in tears, K-2 rattling nonsense about statistical data, Baze and Chirrut smiling but looks of concern crossing their haggard faces, Draven’s lips curving into a smile that actually reached his eyes. 

But all she could see was that goddamn swagger, that stupid grin she always wanted to punch off his face. And when she saw that famous smirk and heard “Kid, I know I’m good looking but c’mon Andor is right there,” Jyn knew she wasn’t in a dream and that her sight wasn’t deceiving her because right in front of her, walking off the ramp was Han fucking Solo. 

And right behind him was the mighty warrior Chewbacca. 

* * *

“There were rumors of rebel prisoners on Tatooine,” Draven explained as they debriefed in the command center. “We knew Jabba had been after Han but once word got out Han died on Algor, it was quiet. Too quiet. No Hutt leaves money on the table. Then we started hearing rumors . . . about a rebel prisoner and a Wookie and I thought it was worth checking out.” Draven glanced at Chewbacca and gulped. Cassian had to bite back a smile. Draven had only been leery of two people - Chewbacca and Shara Bey. Rumor had it that Draven didn’t come out of the winning end of a fight with a Wookie when he first joined the Alliance. 

“I figured the Guardians would fit in perfectly in Tatooine and when they confirmed the intel was true, we ordered the rescue.”

Leia stared at Han, still in shock. “I thought you were dead,” she whispered. 

He grinned at her. “Alive and breathing, sweetheart.” Then he frowned. “Wait a minute. If you thought I was dead, who did my eulogy? Did you have Skywalker do it? Because he’s a crybaby. He better not have cried. Please tell me you had Lando. Lando would’ve done me right.”

Leia rolled her eyes, the typical look of Han-inspired irritation crossing her face. “You’re such an idiot.”

Jyn was still in shock. “I don’t . . . Han . . . the Falcon blew up. I saw it . . .heard it.” The smile slowly fell off of Han’s face as he remembered his ship. “Chewie left the ship to find something to eat. He was taking too long so I went to go check on him.” A rare look of vulnerability crossed Han’s face as he thought about how worried he was about his friend. “It was a trap - there was a bounty hunter that had him. I tried running back to the ship but then that’s when the explosion hit. I was knocked out. Next thing I know, we were on a ship to Tatooine . . .,” he shuddered and subconsciously rubbed his arms, “to Jabba.”

_In captivity for over a year._ Jyn looked at Chewie who gently patted Han’s back. But that’s when she noticed Chewie’s fur, areas of his paws where his fur was matted or small tufts were growing back. She noticed Han’s arms, the puckered skin and scarred wrists, the tension coiling through his body when Chewie patted his back. Waves of guilt rolled through her . . . guilt at not fighting hard enough to save them, guilt for living, guilt at her selfishness for wanting to be at peace when her fellow comrades had been tortured. Guilt over the people she had killed since. _W_ _hat would her team think of her if they could see her now?_ She could feel Cassian’s eyes on her and she avoided looking at him. He would _know. He could read her like an open book._

Han looked up as if finally noticing that people were missing and turned to Draven, a frown crossing his usually chipper features. Chirrut glanced quickly up and looked at Draven. “Perhaps we should give Captain Solo -” but then Han cut him off before he could finish. 

“Wait a minute. You sent the Guardians after me. Why didn’t you send my team?”

Silence filled the room and all eyes turned to Baze and Chirrut. They both shook their heads and everyone realized the Guardians didn’t have a chance to tell Han what happened to his team. 

Han turned to Jyn. “Jyn. Where’s Kes? Melshi?” He gulped visibly and turned wildly, looking around the room. “Stordy?”

Jyn looked at Han, at the burn marks on his skin. At the newly grown fur on Chewie’s paws.

She shook her head and ran out the room. 

* * *

Remembering the dead, honoring them, paying homage to fallen soldiers was something the Partisans never did. Saw always moved on. _Attachment is weak, Jyn. Saw would say. We have to move on and keep fighting. There’s no time for sorrow. Don’t let your emotions rule you._

But right now, as Jyn stared at the Alliance’s holo memorial of fallen soldiers, her fingers gently traced the outline of soldiers names.

_Don’t let your emotions rule you, Saw whispered._

Ruescott Melshi.

Stordan Tonc. 

But finally, finally, all she could feel were her _emotions_ \- blinding and painful. Rage and sorrow. Anger and guilt. She was bursting at the seams . . . the memories of her friends dead . . . the people she had killed. _Han with his scars. Chewie . . . Chewie with his burnt fur._

Her palm hovered over the last name and her breath hitched as she gasped - 

_Kes Dameron._

She could feel the guilt burning inside her . . . threatening to consume her. Her fists clenched at her side and she finally, finally sobbed out, throwing her fist at the wall, leaving a dent in the durasteel. “Damn you,” she yelled at the holophoto, tears streaming down her face. “Damn all of you. For leaving me. Leaving me behind.” Her stomach knotted up in pain and she felt like she couldn’t breathe. She reared her fist back to hit the wall again but a calloused hand gently grasped her shoulder and she whirled, her fist raised to hit the intruder - 

“Kid.”

“Go away, Han.”

“I just got back and you’re already trying to get rid of me.”

She huffed out a bitter laugh, squeezing her eyes shut. He patted her shoulder gently and his eyes roamed over the holo memorial. 

“Huh,” he muttered out, his eyes latching on to his and Chewie’s name. “You guys really thought I died?”

Jyn nodded her head. The memory of the Falcon exploding, the chaos that ensued afterwards. Her eyes fixed on the Pathfinder names again and she bit back a sob, desperately trying to tamp down her emotions. _She needed to be strong. She couldn’t be weak. She couldn’t let her emotions rule her - that’s how people died._ _Kes._ She gasped out a quiet sob, her mind flashing back to the big as life soldier saving her and marking himself instead. “Jyn,” Han said quietly . . . _don’t Han. Don’t. I don’t want you to see me like this._

He gently turned her around to face him and she looked at him in defiance, her eyes glimmering with tears, her lips trembling, daring him to say something. 

“The Alliance owes me a new fucking ship,” he declared. 

Jyn barked out a laugh and the dam finally broke, sobs wracking through her body as she heard Han mutter _oh kriff_ and he pulled her in his arms. “Shhh . . .” he murmured. “It’s okay, Jyn. We’re going to be okay. I know . . . I know it’s been hard for you, for us, but we’ll make it through. We’re going to make them proud we survived, okay?” 

_Proud? More like ashamed. Images of Kes, Melshi, Tonc flooded her senses - their deaths bloody and senseless. Kes saving her just so she could become a bitter, angry soldier. So she could save people but then hurt innocent ones at the same time. She didn’t know who she was turning into, who she was becoming._ She squeezed her eyes shut, clenching her teeth. _She couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. She needed to be strong._ She opened her eyes, staring at Han. She held her hand out. “Give me your datapad,” she demanded. He fished it out from his jacket. She tapped into his databad, entered a few commands and the holoimage shifted and blinked once and then came back online. Han looked at the new image, grinning as his name and Chewie’s were no longer on the list. “Damn right, I’m alive.” She gave him a small smile and he threw his arm around her shoulders and they turned to leave the room. She took one last lingering glance at the memorial and for a minute she could see the handsome face of Kes Dameron, Melshi and Stordy and a wave of nostalgia, of guilt and pure agony overwhelmed her - 

“C’mon kid, I’m starving! And being hungry is what got Chewie and I in this mess in the first place. Let’s go eat.”

_I miss you guys. I’m sorry . . . for everything._ She turned off the light and walked out the room.

* * *

She told Han to go to the mess and she’d meet him there. She just needed a moment, some time to think. Seeing her team’s names on that memorial was like K2 punching her in the gut. All this time . . . she had been missing her mama and her papa, missing the time she had spent with them but seeing Han and Chewie, remembering her team and cringing at her actions since she woke up. _They wouldn’t recognize the person she’s become. The girl whose answer to everything was to kill first and ask questions later._

She missed them. Missed who she was. She missed _home. Hoth had been a home to her, the sense of family, the way they would all stuff themselves into Bodhi’s room for warmth and play Sabacc all night; or the room she and Cassian shared, the little trinkets, the blankets Cassian had picked up on missions for her. It had been home._ But here . . . now. . . all she felt was emptiness. She felt like she didn’t belong . . . as if she settled down and made herself comfortable . . . it would be ripped away from her. 

As she stared at their room . . . at their meager belongings that were shoved into the makeshift storage bin she felt something . . . a feeling she hadn’t felt in years. _The urge to run . . . to leave everything behind . . . to slip into another identity. To lose herself in becoming someone else._

An idea . . . something small . . . something that she needed to do started growing in her head . . . a niggling thought turning into an insanely stupid idea. But she needed to do it . . . she needed to see . . . needed to know. She just wanted something . . . anything to give her a sense of purpose, to remind herself of who she was. She grabbed her go bag, left a message for Cassian and walked out the door. 

* * *

Cassian looked up when Han entered the mess hall expecting to see Jyn next to him. After Jyn had run out of the command center, Draven had briefed Han on Algor, the Battle of Hoth. 

“ _What about the kid?” Han asked, nodding in the direction Jyn had run off to. Han’s fists were clenched at his side and he looked so devastated at the loss of his team. Everyone turned to Cassian who had closed his eyes, trying to block out the memory of Jyn on Algor, her bruised and bloodied body floating in the river. Thankfully Draven stepped in - cutting off Cassian - probably knowing he would lose it if he had to relive that story again._

_“Sergeant Erso was severely injured and was in a coma for a year. She barely woke up four months ago.” Han whistled low under his breath, murmuring the word coma. “If the whole team died - how did she -_

_“She killed all of them.” Cassian said, cutting in. “Dameron took down one, saving her but it compromised his position and a sniper took him out. By the time I arrived, there was only one Imp left and I got him. But we nearly lost her.” He could feel a comforting hand on his shoulder, Chirrut having come up behind him._

_“We didn’t though Captain. She’s alive and well and -” a strange look crossed Chirrut's face but he quickly schooled it into his usual amenable expression. “With us,” he added, rather quietly._

_Han chewed his lip, taking in everything he had learned, Chewie standing steadfastly by his side. He looked at the direction Jyn ran off too. “I . . . I need to talk to Erso.” Cassian moved to go with him but Chirrut held his arm lightly. “Let him go, Captain. He needs time. They were his team too.”_

“Jyn?” Cassian asked Han. Han shrugged his soldiers in his typical Han way. “She went back to her room . . . said she would meet us later.” Cassian nodded his head thoughtfully, desperately wanting to ask Han how she was doing. He had foolishly hoped Han could help Jyn deal with the aftermath of Algor. Cassian had never worked with a team - until Scarif - but then even after Scarif he was still sent on his own missions, him and Kay always working by themselves. Rogue One was his family but he knew Jyn had grown close to her Pathfinder team as well. Algor, her coma, coming back to a new home, her missions, Han and Chewie being alive were all taking its toll on her. He imagined her emotions were running wild and she was probably in their room trying to tamp them down or at the gym punching them out.

He excused himself from the table and Chirrut looked up, a slight frown on his face. It was the same one he had in the command center. “Captain,” he murmured in a low voice so only him and Baze could hear. “Tell Jyn we’re all here for her. We’re home now.” Cassian nodded in confusion but accepted the blind man’s words willingly. 

However when he went back to his room and saw the holo recording of Jyn telling him goodbye, it was too late to share them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone liked the reappearance of Han. When I first started writing this story, I knew that Han and Chewie survived. While Jyn revealing that she was at peace with her parents was one of the main story arcs, the reappearance of Han and Chewie is what finally brings everything to the surface for her. She's slowly coming to terms at being back with the living but seeing Han and Chewie is making her come to terms not only with her actions since she woke up but the fact that she lost her team.


	15. Searching for Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian searches for Jyn and finds her in the most unexpected of places.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay!! Forewarning - this chapter is super angsty and I'm so nervous about posting it. Hope its okay!!

Her green eyes stared at him, her image grainy through the holorecording. _Cassian, I’m so sorry. I need to go . . . I . . . I can’t breathe here. I need to go home. I will see you soon. I love you._

He stared at the holo recording. 

And kept staring. 

_She left. How did he miss her? How did she just up and leave?_

And most importantly, where the fuck did she go? He ran to the command center where he found Draven reading reports. 

“Sir, it’s Jy-” Draven cut him off. “Yes, I’m aware Sergeant Erso _borrowed_ a ship and departed less than an hour ago. The request was approved by me.”

Cassian stood there dumbfounded. He gulped visibly. “Do you know where she was going?” Draven shook his head, oddly nonchalant about the matter. “She indicated she needed shore leave and is well aware of the worlds Alliance officers should not visit.”

Which was Draven’s way of covering the Alliance’s ass if Jyn were to get caught on an Imperial planet. 

Draven quirked an eyebrow at him. “I take it she didn’t tell you where she was going?”

Cassian shook his head, still trying to wrap his head around the fact that she left. 

Draven looked at Cassian in a rare display of sympathy. “Cassian . . . I’m sure she’ll be fine. If she’s not back in a couple of days, we’ll put some feelers out.”

* * *

The minute she was in hyperspace, panic and anxiety set in. She ran to the small fresher, her head dizzy, her stomach nauseous and vomited. _What did she do?_ She left him. Left the place that had been a home to her for several months. She had to get away, had to escape.

_Han, Chewie._

She couldn’t believe they were alive this whole time. Everything had just bubbled to the surface, her discontent, sadness, anger, irritation and then finally guilt. And shame. She hadn’t been the soldier she was with Kes and the team. She felt honorable and proud with them but ever since she woke up, the fact that the time she had with her parents had been - what? One fucking realistic dream - because if she thought of the alternative - that she was at peace, that she was finally home, she would only hate herself and eventually those around her. She couldn’t do that - couldn’t be like that to the people who were trying so hard to love her. But then Han and Chewie showed up and all those emotions she had tamped down, trying to accept her fate, trying to focus on missions came crashing down on her and she had to leave. She just needed to fucking breathe and she couldn’t do that. 

_Cassian. What would he think?_

Her heart clenched as she thought of him. He didn’t deserve her doing this, how she used him for comfort and reassurances but couldn’t give him what he deserved the most - her happiness. Everything he did, he did for her and she just upped and left. She was so tempted to go back, turn the ship around and tell him sorry and beg for forgiveness but she was going to ruin him or worse, get him killed because he would never stop trying to save her. She needed to figure out who she was, who she was going to be and she couldn’t do that - not with everything she had brewing inside her. 

The ship pinged with a warning that it was arriving at its destination. _Lah’mu._ She hoped she could find what she was looking for on the planet she once called home. 

* * *

A week passed and no word from Jyn. He desperately wanted to start looking for her but if she had wanted him to come along, she would have waited, she would have asked for him. He hated that she felt like she needed to to do this alone, that she couldn’t ask for his help. He made some inquiries and found out her ship landed on Lah’mu and then left after three days. He waited on pins and needles thinking of how she said she wanted to go _home_ and prayed to the Force that she wouldn’t try to go to Coruscant. He went through her files, researching her time with Saw Gerrera, thinking she might have ended up on Onderon and his search came back negative. 

_Jyn . . . where are you? Come back to me, please._

He was in his room, studying the systems surrounding Lah’mu trying to figure out where she went when he heard a sharp rap on his door. _Chirrut. He could tell by the way Chirrut used his cane to hit the door._ Before he had a chance to open the door, Chirrut with Baze following him, came rushing in. “Captain, she’s on Hoth! You need to go to her now before it’s too late.”

“Wait? What?” Cassian fumbled with his datapad, bringing Hoth on the screen. “How do you know she’s on Hoth?” Baze fixed him with a look and Chirrut had the nerve to whack him with his cane. “Stop asking questions and go now. She needs you!”

Cassian looked at the purely white planet on his datapad, pinching the screen to look at the planetary data when his eyes fell on the climate alert. _Polar orbit . . . Below freezing temps. Freeze storms._

_Fuck. No wonder why Chirrut was adamant he leave now. Hoth was about to have one hell of a freeze over._

Cassian rushed to grab his blue parka and his go bag for cold weather planets. “Find Kay. Tell him he needs to requisition one of the newer ships that has infrared heat and to start mapping the closest hyperlanes to Hoth.” Chirrut and Baze quickly left, in search of Kay. Cassian grabbed all the thermal gear he could find, rummaging through Jyn’s clothes, trying to find anything that would keep her warm. Nearly all of their belongings had been destroyed on Hoth and then Akiva was warm year round. He huffed out when he realized she had literally nothing to keep her warm and dug through his locker finding clothes she could layer. His hands shook as he zipped up his bag, his fingers trembling. _Kriff. He needed to get control of himself._ He took a deep breath, trying to calm down. _He had to get to her in time._

Cassian prayed that he wouldn’t be too late. 

_Not like last time._

* * *

He remembered the last time he was on Hoth. The day Jyn left for Algor and he was sent back to the Ring of Kafrene. It still looked the same - stark mountain tops covered with snow and rock, pine trees that were already covered with frost. He flew through the icy planes, trying to locate Jyn’s ship. Kay had been able to requisition one of the newer Rebellion ships, one that had a thermal heater in the event he needed it for immediate warmth. He could see the external temperature of the ship rapidly dropping. Hoth was already cold - borderline freezing - but the planet was going through a polar orbit - something that was only experienced every 100 years in which literally ice storms would attack the planet and freeze everything in sight. _Of course it would be his and Jyn’s kriffin luck that it would happen now._ The first storm was scheduled to hit in less than thirty minutes. _He needed to find her and get the hell out of there._ He knew Jyn hadn’t packed for this, didn’t even know what was coming. He caught sight of her ship on a sharp ridge that overlooked one of the icy lakes on Hoth and he remembered the times he would nag her to put on a snowsuit and they would hike to the ridge when the weather was decent enough for them to be outside. He loved seeing how her cheeks would turn pink under the cold air and how her eyes would light up taking in the pure beauty of the snow and clear blue lake. _Force! Even then when they were fighting the Empire life had seemed so simple . .. less complicated. He remembered how Bodhi and Baze figured out how to light a bonfire without completely melting the caves on the base, how Jyn would sneak supplies out of the mess hall so they could roast rootmallows and sheets of hardened cocoa, and how Bodhi would give her sad eyes if he didn’t get the first bite. They had all been a family, they had a home and then -_

Cassian nearly nosedived the ship when it hit him. What Jyn was seeking. What she needed. _Home._ The trip to Lah’mu, to Onderon. _He could slap himself, how did he not realize it sooner? Hoth_ _had been her home. She had him, her Rogue One team, her Pathfinder team. They had been a family, family who understood each other when things would go bad. But now . . . ever since she woke up, she didn’t have her team anymore, she wasn’t herself. Cassian couldn’t go on missions with her, Bodhi left. She just wanted . . . needed something to make her feel home._

He looked through his viewfinder and it was nothing but dark skies and he could slowly see the clouds start to crystallize, preparing to spit thick shards of ice. He immediately set his ship to land near the ridge. He bundled up and his eyes scanned the harsh landscape trying to find her. 

He finally spotted her at the top of the ridge outside her ship. 

_Force sake she was fucking outside. Jyn, no! Get inside your ship!_

The temperature gauges kept dropping and the clouds were getting darker. He hurriedly grabbed his gear - if he had to stun her to get her inside the ship, then by all means he wouldn’t hesitate. 

He ran up to the ridge, the frozen air slowing his body down. “Jyn,” he wheezed out, trying to shout but it was lost in the cold wind that was whipping snow and debris in the air, pelting his skin like little pinpricks of ice. She heard him approach as he got closer, turned to him, her eyes wide in shock. He ran up to her and grabbed her wrist. “Jyn _please_!” he begged, trying to drag her towards him. “We only have a few minutes, we need to get inside now.” He noted how her face was already losing color, could feel the cold seeping through her body. _Jesus Christ, why was she wearing such a thin coat?_ She yanked her wrist from his hold, pushing him away. “Just go, Cassian. Leave me.“ He pulled her to him but she struggled, getting out of his grasp. “I’m not leaving you, Jyn. We need to get inside,” his voice desperate as he reached for her again. She backed away from him, wildly shaking her head, her eyes a dark void, the burn she once had in them slowly fading. “Leave me, Cassian! Just leave me! I need . . . . I can’t . . . you can’t be here with me.” She backed away from him, oblivious to the environment around her. Her face was full of remorse and sorrow. “I’m not that person anymore, Cassian. I’m weak - I’ve never been anything else. All I do is kill and get my team members killed. What would they say - _my parents, Kes,_ if they could see me now, at what I’ve become? Just go, Cassian! Just leave me. You don’t understand everything I’ve done.”

Cassian finally broke and grabbed her to him. “You think I don’t understand Jyn? You think I don’t know what it’s like to hate yourself, to just be done with it all? Everything you’ve done, I’ve done it too! And now I’m telling people to kill! To betray friends, to assassinate! So don’t tell me that you’re not worth it because then everything we’ve done, everything we’ve been means nothing, Jyn! You think I don’t hate what you’ve done? I feel it, Jyn. _Everything_. I love you so much and I hate that I can’t help you, that you can’t be happy with me.”

Jyn twisted away from him, furiously pushing him away. “Please Cassian! For once, just let me go. I can’t make you happy. I . . . I can’t . . . I can’t see you kill yourself over and over again because of me. You think I don’t know how you got hurt on Coruscant? How Reece nearly killed you? You don’t even go to your therapy sessions anymore because you’re so busy worrying about me! I’m the one that’s hurting you! And I can’t - no I won’t do that to you anymore!

He tugged her to him. “Jyn, please listen to me! You have to be strong! We need you. Baze, Chirrut and Bodhi. You need to be strong. Strong is fighting. It’s hard and it’s painful and it’s everyday. It’s living. And we can do it together, Jyn. I promise, we’ll get through this together,” he begged, his voice holding out for just a bit of hope.

Cassian could feel the shift in temperature, how the snow around them was shifting to ice. “Jyn, please,” he begged, his voice breaking, “We need to get inside, now. You don’t understand . . . we’re both going to die. This weather will kill us!" She twisted away from him, trying to climb further up the ridge. He leapt after her, grabbing her boot and dragging her down to him. She kicked furiously at him and he dodged her kicks, picking her up from behind, but she wriggled her body away from him and ran to climb back up the ridge but her foot slipped and she tumbled down the hill, further from both of their ships. Her body landed in a heap at the base of the ridge. “Nooooo!” Cassian screamed. “Jyn!” _Flashbacks of him running down a dirt trail on Algor to her lifeless body floating in the river ran through his mind_ . He slid down the hill after her and he knew his time was coming up, could feel the stillness in the air before the glacial temperatures would shift. _No. No. I have to get to her. Please, for Force sake, help me. Help her!_ He nearly tumbled over her, the snow almost covering her body. Her face was deathly pale and she had a gash on her forehead. He ripped his gloves off, trying to feel for a pulse . . . _please, no, please don’t let her die._ Cassian grabbed her necklace, prayed to every single entity, every single being he knew, called out every Festian prayer he could remember, ones his mama would make him recite each night before he went to bed. He wiped the tears furiously from his eyes. _Not like this._ They were going to freeze - 

Then it dawned on Cassian - 

They weren’t freezing. It wasn't just tears running down his face. The frozen icicles on the fur of his hood were melting and Cassian looked up, expecting to see dark and threatening clouds and his breath hitched at what he saw in the Hoth sky. 

Sun. Warm light coming from the sun. 

_Holy shit._

He looked down at Jyn, could see color slowly starting to return to her face, her pulse becoming stronger under the grasp of his hand. Her eyes fluttered open and he waited hesitantly at her side, his hand hovering over her cheek. 

“Cassian,” she whispered, removing the last bit of distance between them and nuzzling her cheek into the palm of his hand. Tufts of hair peeked out from the thin scarf she used to cover her head and she was absolutely the most beautiful thing he had seen. 

“I haven’t seen a sun so bright before,” she murmured, trying to get up while Cassian tugged her to him, brushing the strands of hair from her face. “I have,” he said solemnly, his brown eyes looking at her, blazing a path to her soul. She blushed, color coming back to her cheeks.

“I’m sorry, Cassian,” she said, averting her eyes from his gaze. “I didn’t mean to scare you . . . I just,” she fiddled with the cuff of her jacket and he knew she was having trouble spitting out what was bothering her. Instead she gazed at the sun and then turned to look at him, taking a deep breath. 

“I didn’t know the weather . . .and I wasn’t paying attention.” She looked off into the distance as if she was seeking an answer in the white covered dunes. “They all died,” she whispered, “they all died for something, for this war and I’m so tired of it, of fighting, of killing. I just wanted . . . wanted to feel something other than this,” she said brokenly, “this guilt, this hate. I just wanted to feel something other than these feelings screaming in me.” She sobbed out harshly and he pulled her tighter to him and he could feel the warmth of her body against his and he nuzzled his head against her cheek. “Shh . . . shh honey, It’s okay. You’ve been through hell and back, Jyn. We all feel this way sometimes . . . that we’re running in circles and getting nowhere.” She nodded her head against him. “It wasn’t your fault, Jyn, you know that right? Algor, your missions. You made the right decisions and sometimes those aren’t the easiest ones to live with,“ he continued on, “You just have to have hope Jyn, hope that we’re all fighting for something, for something better than this. 

He could feel her nodding against him and shifted so he could be eye level with her. 

“Jyn,” he murmured, his lips softly brushing against her cheek. “You scared the hell out of me. Please . . . please . . . come to me. Don’t run off, don’t think I can’t help you.” She grasped at his jacket and he could feel tiny sobs vibrating through her body. “I just . . . I thought I was getting better but after Han and Chewie and seeing how they were hurt, I just . . . I felt guilty . . . of everything. Surviving. The people hurt from my missions. Bodhi. I just needed to get away.” 

He went still beside her and the question he was burning to ask . . . the question he was so scared of her answering . . . but he needed to know. Needed to know where _they_ stood. “And now?,” he asked softly. “Do . . . you still need . . . uh . . . time?” He didn't want to pressure her, to make her feel like he was forcing her to come back. He would take her wherever she wanted to go and not leave her side.

Jyn looked at him . . . and she saw it. That hope that burned bright in his eyes. The hope that held him together for a year when she was in a coma. The hope for a better galaxy and she knew . . . she knew in that moment that no matter what she did, where she ended up, he would be with her through it all. As long as he had that hope, then she could hope too. Hope that eventually everything will be alright. 

She felt a slight breeze and she could suddenly feel the cold wind around them. He shivered against her and they both looked in the direction of the breeze, at the sun setting in the distance over the arctic hills and she felt his body go still, a small gasp escaping his lips. 

For a brief moment, and Jyn knew Cassian saw it too, but the faded image of an older man with his arm wrapped around a woman, a woman who’s hair frighteningly resembled Jyn’s messy ensemble smiling at them but when she blinked, they were gone, the sun still shining brightly in the distance. 

He turned to look at her, questions in his eyes and Jyn nodded, her eyes welling up with tears, and she looked back at the setting sun. She let out a long, cathartic breath. “Take me home, Cassian.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End notes: Whew - sorry rough chapter I know. I didn’t want to make it seem as if Jyn wanted to die but rather she was just trying to process everything - she’s slowly coming to terms with being back to life but then the guilt of surviving, of Han and Chewie being hurt overwhelmed her along with everything else going on. I envisioned she was trying to give herself time to breathe, to process her emotions but was worried about hurting those while she was coming to terms with her feelings. 
> 
> Also - I know some of you haven’t watched Buffy but the scene where the sun comes out on Hoth was inspired by Buffy Season 3 when Angel the Vampire is ready to meet his end by waiting for the sun to rise but instead it starts snowing . . . in California. Also some of the lines from Jyn and Cassian's fight was when Buffy was begging Angel to get inside and away from the sun. I’ve linked the video to that scene [here](https://youtu.be/xw7Fj8zLhFQ) in case anyone is interested.


	16. Past and Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian gets a lead on the last data stick.

She dared to put her toe in the water. One tiny dip and she could feel the cool water soothe her feet. She dipped her other foot in and she could feel the tiny pebbles in the lake against her feet. She rocked back and forth, letting the sand and silt shift against her feet, her movements creating tiny ripples in the water. She longed to jump in . . . to swim for the sheer joy of it . . . she took another step but there was a crevice she didn’t see and she fell in, face first, water burning through her nose, _and that feeling, water consuming her, killing her_. . . she twisted wildly, trying to find her footing and felt like a dumb bantha when she realized she was only in three feet of water and that when she stood up, the water levels came to her thigh. 

_Well that was a bad idea. No swimming for her yet._

She looked up and saw Cassian coming down the path that led to the lake and she walked up to greet him. His eyes opened wide when he saw her clothes were wet.

“Don’t ask,” she muttered, stalking past him. She felt him reach for her wrist and she let him pull her to him. He dipped his head down to her, resting his forehead against hers. “I won't ask . . . but I think I have an idea,” he said, his hand tucking a wet strand of hair behind her ear. She knew he could probably tell her heart was still pounding from falling in, _the water rushing over her,_ and she breathed in deeply when she felt his hands tracing circles on her back, her breathing returning to normal. 

“Thanks,” she whispered into his shirt. She felt him sigh heavily and looked up at him. “You didn’t come all the way down here to check in on me, did you?” He pulled away from her, his eyes not quite meeting hers. “Draven,” he said - and her natural instinct to frown at Draven’s name kicked in and he pushed past her displeasure, “he has a mission for you and the Guardians. A simple supply run,” he added. 

Since her return from Hoth, Draven had stopped sending her on missions. Cassian was surprised when she didn't push back. He was glad she recognized that she needed time, that she wasn’t ready quite yet. He was more surprised that Draven wasn’t pushing it and briefly wondered if Mothma had told him to back off. 

Jyn nodded her head slowly. “Okay,” she said, shrugging her shoulders. Supplies she could do no problem. She shouldn’t anticipate any trouble. 

She should’ve known better. 

* * *

Cassian was in the command center, reviewing more reports of insurgent activity in the Outer Rim when his comm went off. _His personal comm._

“Jyn,” he murmured quietly, walking briskly out of the command center. “I know it’s night time on Ryloth but now is not a good time for uh . . . to have a _talk_ ,” he could feel the tips of his ears getting red, his face flushing as he thought of their intimate conversation the night before. 

“Andor,” said a clipped, Coruscanti, decidedly very male voice, that sounded very much like it was trying hard not to laugh. 

_Kriff._

“How’d you get my personal comm, Kallus?”

“You’re not the only spy in the Rebellion, Andor. I have my sources.”

Cassian clenched his teeth, trying not to bark back a retort. “So I take it you and Erso are missing each other, huh,” Kallus said. “You know they say that absence makes the -”

“Kark off, Kallus. I don’t need relationship advice from a former Imp.” Cassian interrupted him, wanting this awkward conversation over with. 

Kallus chuckled. “Well . . . if the intel I have is accurate, that absence might grow a bit longer for you, mate.”

Cassian inhaled sharply, looking briefly around the hallway to make sure no one was nearby. “You found it? The location of the third disk?”

Kallus rattled off the coordinates while Cassian hastily typed them into his datapad. When the planet popped up, he frowned. _No. Not possible._ He entered the coordinates again and it came back with the same results. “You better be right, Kallus. Are you sure?” 

“Oh yeah. If your droid knew what I knew, he’d say the likelihood of my data being accurate is 99%. Apparently when Scarif blew to pieces, his organization waited till the dust settled and hired scavengers to raid what was left of the planet. But of course when the scavengers realized how valuable the intel was they tried to double cross him and sell to the highest bidder. He waited till after the data was sold, killed the scavengers and then went after the gangs who bought the data. We had already retrieved the second set but he got to the third set.”

Cassian nodded his head, listening to Kallus' explanation. It made sense. Scarif had been no mans land after the Empire had fired on it. The Rebellion, as always, was late in its decision making and by the time they sent a group of Pathfinders to Scarif, the planet had already been ravaged. 

Kallus provided him more details on the location of the data stick and then Cassian signed off on the comm call. 

He banged his forehead against the durasteel wall. _Of all fucking planets, it had to be this one._

Jenoport. A planet Cassian was forbidden from ever visiting. A planet where Cassian would be signing his death warrant the minute he stepped on its soil. 

Fuck. 

He walked briskly to his room to grab his go bag. He needed to hurry up and leave before Kallus had to do an official check in. He was on his way to the landing bay when he heard someone calling his name. 

“Cassian!”

He turned to see who was calling him. He needed to get to his ship - didn’t have time to socialize - 

“Cassian Andor! You better stop this minute,” came a very demanding voice that sounded suspiciously like Shara Bey.

She was trying to run towards him but was dragging Poe who was trying to go in the opposite direction towards the A-wings. He couldn’t help but not smile at the two but this heart clenched in his chest. Even though the little tyke had Shara’s features, he reminded Cassian so much of Kes. The stubborn look on his face, the way he had his mother wrapped around his little chubby fingers. The boy was pure _Dameron._

“You’re back on base, Shar?” Cassian asked, as she caught up to him. 

She nodded her head, her curly hair swinging wildly around her face. “Been on base for a couple of weeks but Draven has me on shit missions.” She noticed his go bag and frowned. “I didn’t see you on the dock to head out.”

Cassian looked around. _Shit he needed to go._ “Not a mission - just have to run an errand.”

Shara glared at him, placing her hand on her hip. “Cassian Andor. You think you’re the Rebellion's best spy but after Kes and this one,” she said, nodding towards Poe, “I’ve got a built in lie detector. So how about you tell me about this _errand.”_

Cassian groaned inwardly. “Shara, c’mon. Just let me go - I need to .. .” _fuck he had to go._ She stood there and gave him a look, her mouth drawn in a tight line. Finally he just blurted it out. Thank the Force Draven didn’t send him out anymore, he was definitely losing his touch. “It’s the third data stick, Shar. The one from Algor. Kallus found it and I’m going to get it.”

Shara paled at the mention of Algor, picked up Poe and cuddled him closer to her. “Is this . . . the one Kes . . . Jyn,” she whispered, not even able to finish the sentence. 

Cassian nodded his head solemnly. “But I need to go before Kallus has to officially report in. Draven would never authorize this and,” he clenched his fists and squeezed his eyes shut, opening them, his gaze clear. “We lost, Shar. We lost so much for that data and we’re not going to lose anymore.”

A determined look crossed Shara’s face. _No Shara. You can’t risk it - Cassian wanted to say._ But it was too late. “You need a pilot,” she said. Cassian shook his head. “I am a pilot and no way in hell am I going to let you risk yourself on this mission, Shar.” She arched her eyebrow and her voice took on a very dangerous tone. “Let me?” she asked dangerously and Cassian could see her fist clenching at her side. _Shit._ He tried to backpedal. “Shar, it’s too dangerous and you . . . uh . . .” his eyes caught sight of Poe and he grew flustered. Fuck, he knew he was violating some Alliance gender discrimination policy, “Poe needs a sitter.” 

The look Shara gave him would have frozen Mustafar over. “Cassian Andor. I’m going to pretend you never said that, you’re going to call your damn droid and he’s going to watch my son and I’m going on this mission with you,” Cassian swallowed. “Or I will knock you out right now, leave Poe with you and go myself.” 

Cassian huffed out a sigh. “You sure you want Kay watching Poe? He’s not exactly age appropriate.” Shara looked at Poe, who was now trying to get into Cassian’s go bag. “Cassian, I saw one of the nanny droids give him a toy sandcrawler to play with the other day. Of all toys, they gave him something with _wheels_ ,” she said, her nose wrinkling in distaste. “Kay is more than qualified.”

Cassian pulled out his comm. “Don’t mention anything in front of him - he’s going to want to come with us and I need him here.” Shara looked at him, questions in her eyes and he shook his head. If he didn’t make it back from this mission ( _in_ _which Kay would definitely tell him the odds were high)_ , he needed to make sure Kay looked after Jyn. 

He reluctantly messaged Kay and waited till he heard his lumbering steps make its way into the hanger. 

Kay took in Shara and then looked at Poe who was starting to get into the tool lockers and Cassian swore he frowned. “May I tell Lieutenant Bey that a tool locker is not an appropriate play area for a child of Poe’s size and the likelihood of him getting hurt or hurting an innocent bystander are extremely high?” Shara cocked her head at Kay as if she was trying to assess him. “And what would you suggest he play with, Kay?

Cassian swung his eyes up to the ceiling of the hangar. _Did people not understand the word urgent anymore? He needed to go!_

Kay swung his head back towards Poe and Cassian could swear he was already analyzing data on the child’s predictive nature. “Well obviously given your expertise in flying and his father’s penchant for explosives, I would suggest he learn the capabilities of the X-wing starfighters. I would then advance his learning to chemical elements where he should specifically study nitrogen atoms and the peroxide family. Finally, he should have a sound understanding of theoretical physics in order to enhance his genetic coding towards flight simulation. 

Shara nodded her head in approval and looked at Cassian. “Told you he would be a good sitter.” She moved to Poe and scooped him up and then pushed him into Kay’s arms. Kay automatically took the child but then swiveled his head towards Cassian.

“You do know I am not a nanny droid, correct?” Cassian brushed passed Kay and patted his metal torso. “Just make sure he doesn’t get into trouble, Kay.” 

“Wait - I’m watching him!? Kay’s eyes blinked shockingly bright and Cassian could swear his normally monotone voice shrilled just a bit. Kay moved to give Poe back to Shara but she ducked nimbly past Kay and jogged up the ramp to Cassian’s ship. “Just make sure he doesn’t blow anything up, Kay,” Shara called. “And keep him away from Draven! He uh . . had a biohazardous event with him yesterday.” Cassian hit the control to close the ramp, Kay’s now near shouting drowning out as the ramp closed. 

Shara threw herself in the pilot seat, “we’ve got to go before that droid of yours hacks us from liftoff. What planet are we going to by the way?” she asked breathlessly, pulling on her safety gear. 

“Jenoport,” Cassian muttered. Shara turned to look at him, her eyes wide. Nobody knew about Cassian and Jenoport but rumors swirled that a former mission had been kriffed. 

“Wait - I thought you’re not . . . ” Cassian punched in the coordinates before Shara could finish. He closed his eyes and rested his head against the headrest, the blue lights of hyperspace swirling around them

“Yeah . . . I’m not,” he said. “But here we are.”

* * *

_They were on Algor but Cassian was in the river, trying to reach her, his hand outstretched and the water was pushing her further and further away. She looked to where the river flowed, towards the underground cenotes and she could see a bright light, warmth calling to her. She wanted to take his hand but the light was calling to her. She could feel herself floating towards the cenote, towards the light when the river turned a bright red. Her arms started thrashing and she looked at Cassian - he was keeled over, blood gushing from his stomach, the Deathtrooper behind him holding a vibroblade dripping with blood. Jyn started furiously swimming towards him, she had to get to him! The vibroblade swung down again . . ._

“Little sister . . . little star . . . wake up.” Jyn could hear the voice, a warm hand on her shoulder. She opened her eyes, unclenching her fists, her skin burning from the deep crescent sized indents where she had dug into the skin. Baze was hovering over her, a rare look of concern on his voice. 

“You okay?” he asked, gruffly, most likely annoyed she caught him in a thoughtful moment. She sat up slowly, the remnants of the dream fading away. She ran her hand through her tangled hair, rubbing her eyes. 

“Yeah, just a rough . . .” her eyes flicked up to Baze’s and he nodded in understanding, patting her shoulder. 

“We’re going to land soon,” he said. “I just wanted to get everyone ready,” he said, nodding to Chirrut who was peacefully sleeping across from Jyn. 

It had been a good mission. It was a supply pickup but unbeknownst to them, it was also a supply drop off. Jyn had looked at the faces of the families that were in dire need of food and clothing and for the first time . . . _i_ _n a long time . . ._ Jyn felt like she was doing good. Little tykes had flitted in between Chirrut's robes while he chased them with his staff, Baze looking on with a suppressed grin on his face. It was as if this mission needed her just as much as she needed it. She vaguely wondered if Draven had done this on purpose but refused to give a nice thought to that dreadful man.

She grabbed her bag and Chirrut's, Baze giving her a look as she stuck her tongue out at him while she waited for the ramp to activate. She looked around the hangar and a slight pang of disappointment hit her when she realized Cassian was nowhere in sight. She was so used to someone being here - Cassian . . . _Bodhi . . ._ that she paused, then huffed out a sigh when Chirrut poked her with his staff to keep moving. They were still unloading the ship when she heard Kay stomping in. Jyn nearly tripped over her feet when she say Kay holding a squirming Poe Dameron at arms length from him. 

“You three are five minutes and thirty seconds late,” Kay complained, his eyes blinking rapidly, a sign he was agitated. 

Jyn smiled at Poe, ruffling the curls on his head. Kay tried to put Poe in Jyn’s arms but she wrinkled her nose, backing away. “Oh no . . . metal head. You’re the nanny droid - I’m staying away from that kid until you’ve changed him.” 

“This child has 50% more biohazard events than the average child. I don’t know what he’s being fed but this has to stop now.”

Jyn frowned. Kay would have had to have Poe at least two days to make that assertion. “Where’s Shara?” she asked, a feeling of unease sweeping through her. 

Kay knelt on the ground, grabbing the small backpack Poe had and laid out a mat, putting Poe on top of it. Jyn was fairly certain Chirrut was begrudging the fact he had a sharp sense of smell the minute the diapie came off, as he flinched and backed away a few steps. 

“She accompanied Cassian on a trip,” he replied, focusing on the task at hand. She noticed Chirrut give Baze a look, the look he usually reserved for moments when he knew something wasn’t right. Her stomach tightened even more. _Something was wrong._

“Trip, what trip? He didn’t have any trips planned.” Jyn asked sharply. Kay finished cleaning Poe up and then patted him gently on the head. Poe toddled off towards the ship they had been on, climbing up the ramp and then rolling himself down, laughing hilariously as he tumbled around. Tears sprang to Jyn’s eyes at Poe’s laugh, the pure sense of adventure reminding her so much of Kes. 

“I’m presuming he’s on a trip,” Kay said, interrupting her thoughts. “He’s not on the docket for a mission but they both took off on a ship. 

Jyn went to get Poe before he tried taking another tumble. She leaned down to scoop Poe up. “Kid . . . you’re going to get dizzy, enough.” Poe grinned at her and pointed towards the ramp. “Fie, Jyn. Let’s fie.” “No Poe, we can’t fly right now,” she said, scooping him up. She wondered where Cassian and Shara went off to but Poe tugged her hair bringing her face down to his. “Fry. I want to fry.” “I know you do, papa, but let’s wait for your mum, yeah?” she said. She went to pick up her bags while she balanced Poe on her hip, holding her hand out to Kay to give him his backpack. “I’ll take him for a bit, Kay. Go charge up.” 

Kay huffed out a long, theatrical sigh. “I’m in need of a pine oil bath, Jyn. Could you please book the lubrication center for me, Jyn?” 

_When the kriff did she become his assistant?_ She was about to bark out a rude response about what he could do at the _lubrication center_ but Baze cut her off, knocking his hand on Kay’s metal chest. “I got it K-2. Chirrut and I will take care of it.” Kay lumbered after the Guardians and Jyn could hear him tell Baze to make sure that Leia’s droid was nowhere near the station or else he would paint his other arm red. 

_Damn droid still carries a grudge._ She smiled briefly and then looked at Poe. “Okay little man. Let’s get you settled in my room and then I’m going to show you the fine art of splicing into Alliance intelligence. Just don’t tell your Uncle Cass, okay?” 

“Sprice?” Poe said, hopefully and a little bit too loud. 

“Shh . . .” Jyn said, looking around to make sure nobody heard. She had a feeling this kid would make a much better pilot than a spy - he was way too loud. 

She made her way to the room, plans in her head of trying to figure out how she was going to hack into the Alliance’s mainframe to access ship data. She settled Poe on the bed and opened up his bag, rummaging around inside for toys so she could take a quick shower. She proudly took out a speeder and a toy x-wing and he immediately grabbed onto them. “Mine,” he told Jyn, a stern look on his face. _Kriff he is exactly like his dad - does not like to share._ Poe took the bag from Jyn and stuck his chubby hand in and pulled out a transport car smiling at Jyn, handing it to her. 

“Yours,” he said, his little lips curled up in a smile. Jyn had to fight the urge to throw it out the window. Last time she had been in one of those was Wobani. She didn’t have the heart to give it back to him and set it on the bed gently. She tucked a little curl behind his ear, and he gave her a toothless grin, his arms outstretched with the toys, flying them through the air and his mouth making little human x-wing noises. Warmth and a touch of sadness flooded her belly as she watched him play. She could feel tears prick at her eyes as she remembered Kes's last words to her. _He’s going to be the best boy in the galaxy, Jyn. The best._

She shook her head and yawned, Poe in turn seeing her and yawning automatically. “I’ll be right there, okay, Poe?” she said, pointing to the fresher door. “Shower time for Jyn,” she said and rolled her eyes when he gave her a puzzled look. “Bath?” she said hopefully. He nodded his head and laid back on the bed, playing with his toys. She grabbed a change of clothes and headed into the fresher, keeping the door ajar so she could listen for him. 

She took a quick five minute shower and came out to Poe fast asleep on her bed. She scooped him up and tucked him further into the bunk against the wall, a small snore escaping his lips. _Definitely like his dad,_ Jyn thought fondly. She grabbed her datapad and settled in next to him, stifling back a yawn. _Kriff she was tired._ She blinked as she opened up the datapad, her eyes trying to scan through files but the body heat of Poe, his little measured breaths and she could feel her eyes growing heavier as she slowly fell asleep, her arms pulling the little boy close to her in sleep. 

* * *

A sharp beep woke her up from her nap, Poe still cuddled at her side. She rubbed her eyes and picked up her datapad, trying to focus on the words in front of her. She had set up an alert on all of Cassian’s alias so she could get a notification when something would trigger a notification. 

Jyn blinked twice at the screen before the words finally registered with her. 

_No, no, no. Please, Force, no!_

She remembered Cassian’s whispered confession in the dead of night. Jyn could never forget the sound of his whimpers from his nightmare. A mission that haunted him . . . tortured him. A mission where a woman and her two children were killed because of him. A mission where Xander Willix was compromised and was told never to return. Because if he did, it would mean his immediate death. 

Jyn read the notification again. Xander Willix had just returned to Jenoport. 

She was going to kill him herself. 


	17. Saving him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian takes a risk to get the last data stick.

“You didn’t tell me that every single bounty hunter in the galaxy would be on your ass the minute you stepped off that ship, Andor,” Shara hissed at him. They were hiding inside an abandoned warehouse, all of their equipment shut off to avoid their signals being tracked. Cassian had told her to stay on the ship but the minute she heard the alarms blaring, her datapad showing the notification for the price on Cassian’s head, she had tracked him down to this dilapidated warehouse and he had thrown her comm on the ground stomping it out. 

“Shh . . .” he whispered. He just needed to get close enough to the governor’s security center. Kallus had told him the data drive was in the government center but could be accessed remotely. He just needed to get close enough to the building, slice his way in and download the contents of the drive. _Simple enough. Or it would have been had he not been been hiding from the governor’s hit squad._

“Now I know why you shaved on the ship,” Shara muttered. “I’m sure that bought you some time before oh . . . YOU WERE RECOGNIZED!” she whispered, very loudly. 

“You were supposed to stay on the ship,” Cassian hissed at her. “I told you . . . and just like your damn husband, you don’t listen!” 

Shara poked Cassian sharply in the chest. “Because we don’t leave people behind! You of all people should know that!” He huffed out, hanging his head down. “Sorry Shar. I didn’t mean to . . . I just . . . I need you to get us off this planet. If I don’t make it, you’re our only chance to get that data back to the Alliance.”

Shara grinned at him - a wild, crazy grin and Cassian couldn’t help but thank the Force that Shara never accompanied Jyn and Kes on a mission. Too much lack of authority. Too much crazy. Too much not listening to orders. He was mentally ticking off the list of why they would have been a bad (GREAT) team together when he barely registered what Shara told him. 

“Don’t worry, I called back up.”

His eyes widened. “Please tell me you didn’t call Jyn. She can barely fly a speeder let alone a ship . . .”

Shara shook her head, a knowing smile on her face. “You’ll see,” she said. 

His moment of relief didn’t last long when he heard the telltale sounds of what sounded like 'troopers coming in. He crawled closer to the window and his heart sank at the sight before him. Troopers . . . _kriff._

_The last time he had been on Jenoport, the Governor didn’t need Imperial protection, ran his planet the way he saw fit, produced the weapons the Empire needed as long as they didn’t interfere with his other lurid businesses - spice dealing, human trafficking, embezzling resources from other planets. Cassian had infiltrated his organization, convinced the Governor’s purchased wife to betray him so he could access his personal files but the files required DNA . . . DNA that his children mirrored. He squeezed his eyes shut as he remembered the son, a teenager, who hated his abusive father and volunteered to help. He grew nauseous as he remembered how they almost made it to the ship . . . they were so close to boarding before the Governor showed up, purposefully shooting Cassian so as not to kill him but had Cassian watch as he viciously murdered his wife and children. If it weren't for Kay . . . Kay who should not have had a blaster but had ‘found’ one, Cassian would have been killed._

He knew the minute he stepped foot on Jenoport that the planetary holocams would capture his facial features, that he had a short window of time and maybe could make it back to the ship. But he didn’t realize how advanced their security had been amped up, that the Governor now ran his own platoon of Imps. 

“Fuck.”

Shara’s eyes were wide as she stared at the contingent of troops. “What the fuck did you do, Andor? I heard you didn’t even get a welcome party like this on Scarif.”

He turned to look at her. “Shara. I need to get over that bridge to the government center.” She eyed the distance, at the dirty river that separated the dilapidated warehouses to the shiny, metal government owned buildings. The troopers still searching the neighboring buildings - it would only be a few moments before they got to the warehouse. Understanding flashed across her face. 

“You need a distraction.” Cassian nodded his head. She reached for her backpack, pulling out several thermal detonators and _was that a portable missile launcher?_ She noticed the horrified look on his face and bit back a bitter laugh. “Kes always told me to pack for the unexpected.” He laid his hand over hers, and she stopped digging through her bag to look at him, questions in her eyes, as he placed a shiny metal datadrive in her palm. "This drive is paired to my datapad. Shar . . . you launch that thing and then you run like hell back to the ship. You don’t stop for anything, do you understand?” She nodded, her face solemn but then gripped his wrist - none-too-gently. “Don’t die, Cassian, got it? You keep your promise to her.” She turned to grab the launcher but she didn’t miss the look of regret that crossed his face. 

He waited while Shara quickly climbed to the top of the building. For a pilot, she was pretty spry and he could barely hear her as she scrambled up the side of the building. He ticked off the seconds, preparing his body for the explosion and the minute he heard the launch, even before the missile hit its target, he started running for the bridge that connected the government center to the city. He sucked in a breath, avoiding inhaling smoke as he ran through debris and the dead bodies of the troopers. The government center was a tall, parasteel building, the mirrors of the windows reflecting the city - the murky river, the bridge, the broken buildings. He eyed a smaller building that was close to the security center and darted inside, his eyes adjusting to the dark. He opened up his datapad and was scanning for the codes to access the security center’s mainframe when he heard another explosion in the distance - further away from where they had been hiding. His heart started beating wildly as he tried to place the direction the sound came from . . . _please . . . not the spaceport . . ._

His prayers weren’t answered.

Because off in the distance, he could see a tall plume of black smoke where the space port was and he had the sinking feeling that Shara didn’t make it back to the ship. 

_Poe._ Tears sprang to his eyes . . . and he swallowed back the lump in his throat. He couldn’t . . . not now . . . he had to believe Shara was okay. _No . . . no . . . NO!_

His datapad beeped and he focused back on the task. He needed that data. He pushed past the mainframe, spliced his way through the security controls and started scanning the filenames. _War mantle, Stellar Sphere, Stardust, DS II, Eadu - wait . . . DSII? No! It can’t be!_ He furiously typed in a few commands and started downloading the data. The download bar was moving slow . . . one of the many problems of splicing in remotely. 5% . . . 8% . . . minutes ticked by . . . 10%. _Kriff this was going to take forever._ He tried not to think of Shara. She couldn’t be . . . he hoped . . . he had to hope. 14% . . . 17% . . . his fists clenched as he started tapping his foot. _This was taking too long._ He could hear the arrival of more troopers, the click clack of their boots as they made their way across the bridge. It would only be a matter of time before they tracked him to this building . . . he was sure they were tracking his signal but he needed it to get into the security center. He could hear the boots coming closer . . . 25% . . . 30% . . . he pulled out his Blastech, patting his pockets, making sure he had a few thermal detonators on hand. He pulled out a vibroblade, sticking it in his boot, checked the secret compartment in his boot for his lockpicks. He wouldn’t go down without a fight . . . _50%_ . . . he closed his eyes . . . _I just need a few more minutes._ _60%._ _He was almost there . . . 65% . . .70% . . ._

The window above him shattered and he looked down, seeing the red dot on his chest. He dove for the floor, his datapad sliding into empty crates. He could see the screen light up . . . the files were still downloading . . . _75%_. Windows were shattering, glass dropping around him like rain. Shots were coming at him from all directions - _he had nowhere to hide . . ._ he crouched as low to the floor as he could . . . the crate was his only form of protection but then it exploded into a tiny thousand shards and he scrambled to the datapad . . . _80%_ . . . _he was so close . . ._ and then he felt it, a sharp pain in his shoulder and he fell to the floor, rolling over towards the flimsy wall, underneath the broken windows, blasts still coming from all directions . . . he could feel blood pouring out of his shirt and then he felt another sting and more blood . . . _85%_ . . . _so close . . ._ he needed the full download damnit! All he needed. . . his thoughts became incoherent as he could feel the slick of his blood between his fingers. _Jyn . . . I’m so sorry. I tried . . . I promised . . . 90%_ . . .

He closed his eyes and noticed the eerie silence, and could hear boots inching closer to the building. Then he heard it . . . a click . . . then an explosion shook the building, the jagged pieces of glass that were left in the windows fell down, one slicing him in his leg. But then he heard the sound . . . was that . . . grunts? He could hear fists hitting plastic . . . the tell tale sound of a . . . _truncheon_ , a repeater cannon . . .the whistle of a light bow . . . and then the most beautiful sight before him . . . maybe he had died or he was close to it because he could see her, emerging from the shadows, her green eyes glinting at him in the dark, smudges of ash on her cheek that for a moment he thought was cute and moved his hand to touch . . .

She swatted his hand away. “When we get back to base, Cassian, I’m going to beat the shit out of you and then kiss you senseless,” she hissed, through clenched teeth, grabbing his datapad - _100%_ \- and tucked it into her go bag. She hastily patched up one of his wounds then grabbed his arm, lifting him up and he leaned into her side, his leg buckling out under him. Her eyes turned dark as she assessed the rest of his injuries and she looped his arm over her neck, shifting all of his weight on to her. 

“Jyn . . .” he whispered. “You’re not supposed to be here. He’ll kill you . . . he won’t let me leave. You need to go.”

She turned to face him, her face angry. “I. AM. NOT. LEAVING. YOU.” she declared, her lips pursing into a frown. “C’mon Cassian . . . we need to move.” They made their way out of the building, Jyn kicking dead ‘trooper bodies out the way, paving a path for him. They made it to the bridge and were close to crossing it when he heard the telltale sound of a hiss . . . and Jyn screamed and fell, holding her arm to her side. He stumbled and looked up, stopping cold . . . the Governor . . . at the end of the bridge, his ‘trooper squad - at least ten - behind him - pointing their blasters at Jyn. 

_It was happening all over again._ He was going to make Cassian watch while he killed Jyn. The Governor motioned for one of the troopers to step forward, halting his hand up. 

“Zander Willix,” he drawled out. “Never thought I’d see you back here again. And with a partner,” he scoffed. “You should know better.” Cassian saw the trooper raise his blaster - he noticed it wasn’t the typical laser blaster . . . this one shot acid bolts, designed to inflict a horrible, burning, sharp pain but when shot multiple times could kill. The trooper raised his weapon . . . Cassian looked at Jyn on the ground, she had crawled to the side of the bridge, her jaw clenched in pain as she struggled to get up and the small whimper that escaped her tore at him, made him see red. 

Cassian had been trained to be the Rebellion's best sniper, could sniff out the biggest tells, movements his targets would make. The minute he saw the tiniest muscle movement, Cassian jumped, skidded towards Jyn as the shot rang out. A sharp, burning pain hit him in his lower back and he heard the Governor order the assassins to take them alive .. . . _they were going to torture them . . ._ and he looked at Jyn who was shaking her head at him. “Not today,” she whispered. “Today is not our day.” 

“Jyn, please,” he begged. “Go. I can’t - we don’t have our lullabyes . . . I can’t . . . they’ll torture you,” he grasped at her shirt, and she tugged him to her, struggling to lift him up. He could hear their boots come closer, _they had nowhere to run, they were trapped._ She tucked his face to her shoulder, patting him, being careful not to touch his back. “Shhh . . . Cassian,” she said. She lifted his face up to hers and kissed him . . . and this kiss . . . this kiss was urgent and needy as if she was saying goodb- “Hold your breath, Cassian.” The next moment he was free falling into the river below, the soft pull of her lips on his the last thing he remembered as he succumbed to the murky water pulling him under. 

* * *

She was going to kill him. Then she was going to kiss him. They were cornered - and he was worried about her being tortured. Didn’t he know she would not go down without a fight? She kissed him (forget about killing him), grabbed the detonators he always had on him, the Blastech from his holster, threw him over the bridge, threw the detonator at the troopers with astonishing speed and accuracy and aimed the Blastech at the Governor, her precise shot making a neat little hole in his forehead. 

She winced in pain, the acid bolt burning her skin. She climbed over the railing of the bridge, searching for Cassian in the murky water, trying to find him along the bank of the river. _Wait! Was he still under the water?_ _NO! No . . he was supposed to swim . . . Cassian!_ _He must have been more hurt than she thought. No!_ She climbed up on top of the railing and looked down at the water, could see a dark shape floating silently away from her. She took her comm out, “Bodhi, you need to pick us up at the river,” she barked in the comm. “And get the med kit ready, we’re going to need it!” 

She tightened her body, arching her back and dove into the water, preparing to save the life that was always saving hers.

* * *

The water was cold, dark and angry. The undercurrents fought to take her body under but she pushed forward, _she needed to find him,_ she was getting closer and closer until she finally latched onto his ankle. She slid her arms up and wrapped them around his chest, _please, Cassian, please be alive,_ she kicked towards the shore, using all the strength in her core and her arms to get them to the muddy riverbanks She dragged him up the bank and laid him flat on the ground, her ears roaring as she tried to find a pulse. Nothing. She grabbed her comm, “Bodhi how long? We need help now!”

“We’ll be there in five minutes Jyn, hold tight.” 

“Hurry Bodhi! Please!” She begged into the comm. 

She pumped his chest, breathing into his mouth, repeating the movement over and over again and he laid still, his eyes closed. He looked so peaceful. _No! He saved me. I was gone and he brought me back, this can’t happen._

“CASSIAN!” she screamed at him, tears sliding down her face. “WAKE UP! CASSIAN!” she begged, pleaded, clutching the crystal at her heart. She closed her eyes, trying to breath. _No! Mama, Papa! Please, don’t let him go, don’t let him leave me._

The crystal felt warm in her hands and then she felt a soft squeeze on her hand and then a whisper. _“Jyn.”_

She looked down into his eyes, drowsy but _alive._ He winced as he tried to cup her face. 

“You came for me,” he whispered. She nodded her head, tears slipping down her cheek and landing on his face. “Why wouldn’t I? You’re everything to me, Cassian. I will always come for you,” she said, her eyes zeroing in on his. 

“But then you tried to drown me,” he said, as he looked at his wet clothes, frowning. “You know I can’t swim.” 

Jyn nearly pulled away from him. “You don’t know how to swim? But . . . on Algor, you . . . got me from the river.”

He huffed out a laugh but then winced. _Kriff his body had taken a beating._ “Jyn, that water was only knee deep. I didn’t need to swim.” 

She furrowed her eyebrows, trying to think . . . everytime she went swimming . . . it was always her and he would watch, cautiously _she supposed_ from the side. 

She saw lights coming from from the far end of the river . . . _ship lights_ and she pulled Cassian up, his whimper of pain causing her to pull him to her side, his arm wrapping around her shoulders. 

His eyes widened in surprise when he saw Bodhi . . . and _thank the Force_ Shara through the viewport of the ship. Chirrut was at the opening of the ramp, Baze running down to help her. 

“I’ve got him little sister,” he said gruffly and Cassian’s face burned with embarrassment as Baze scooped him up from Jyn’s arms and carried him onto the ship. 

Baze noticed the burning bridge and raised his eyebrows, looking at Jyn. She shrugged her shoulders. “Thought you weren’t going to blow anything up?” he said. 

“I said I wouldn’t blow up a building,” she clarified. “That’s a bridge.” 

Shara greeted them and Cassian stared at her, his eyes in wonder. “I thought . . . our ship . . . it blew up.”

“Told you I called for backup,” she said, reaching for the ship’s med kit, handing it over to Jyn. She began to unbutton his shirt and he swatted at her hands, wishing he was someplace private for her to examine him. But the ship was small and the only place they could lay him down was near the cargo hold. 

“You told me you didn’t call Jyn,” he grumbled. 

“I didn’t call Jyn,” Shara said. “I called Bodhi.” 

Jyn pushed his hands away and started to apply the bacta patches where he had been hit in the warehouse. He hissed as she pressed a little bit too hard on the wound on his side, glaring at her. It has been so long since he had been wounded she had forgotten what a pain in the ass he was when hurt. 

“Which is just the same as calling Jyn. You know he can’t lie to her,” Cassian continued to grouse. 

“I heard that,” Bodhi called from the pilot’s seat.

Jyn frowned as she put more bacta patches on him. “You have two blaster wounds, a puncture wound on your leg and two grazes. You need a med scan.” She moved to grab the med kit but his hand reached out and lightly gripped her wrist. 

“Jyn,” he said softly. She stopped and turned to look at him, the soft undertones of his voice, giving her pause. Everyone who had been puttering around him conveniently turned around to do other tasks, Shara going back to the copilot seat, Baze as always cleaning his repeater cannon and Chirrut closed his eyes, apparently using the time to meditate. 

He held out his arms and she gently laid down next to him on the narrow bench. “You sure you’re okay,” she whispered. 

He nodded his head. “I think the two of us have had much worse, don’t you think?” 

“It was pretty close,” she murmured, remembering Cassian’s scream when she had been hit with the acid bolt. She could still feel the sting of the hit on her back but the pain was manageable. She felt him yawn against her. “I’m getting tired of being pretty _close,”_ he said, sleepily. She turned her head to look at him but the bacta patch and pain meds had kicked in and he was sound asleep. 

“Me too,” she whispered, kissing his cheek lightly. “Me too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for that brief moment where we thought Shara got killed - I had to figure out a way where the Rogue One crew comes in to save him but then wasn't too sure how to deal with the whole issue of two ships . . 
> 
> We're slowly wrapping up the story - I definitely promise more fluff than angst in the next chapter ;-)


	18. One last chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian and Jyn talk about the contents of the third data drive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay . . . we're almost close to the end. This chapter started to get a bit unwieldy so I had to break it out into two parts but had a hard time figuring out where to do a split. So the next chapter is the epilogue and will be a bit short.

Cassian had to blink - and rub his eyes - at the sight that greeted him when they arrived back at the base. 

The docking bay was in chaos. An x-wing was smoking and mechanics were frantically trying to put out a fire on the ship’s torpedo launchers. Another x-wing looked like it had crashed into the side wall of the hanger and had torn off a chunk of the hanger bay. 

And Draven was standing right there, arms crossed, his face flaming red with anger, a vein ready to pop out of his forehead. Standing behind him, was little Poe Dameron, who looked like he hadn’t bathed in a few days, brown curls askew on his forehead and what appeared to be streaks of engine grease on his chubby cheeks. 

Shara grimaced as she walked past Cassian, “Your droid is sooo on my kriff-list, Andor.” She absently saluted Draven and picked up Poe, hurriedly walking away. Cassian had a feeling the x-wing chaos was no doubt caused by Poe. 

“Andor,” Draven greeted him through gritted teeth. “Medbay _now_ and then report to my office. _immediately_!”

Cassian nodded his head, turning to look at Jyn. She moved to follow but Draven held his hand up, the look on his face - the one look Jyn knew not to mess with. She squeezed Cassian’s hand and moved to unload the ship. 

“The Captain will be fine,” Chirrut said, eyeing Draven shrewdly. “The General’s bark is worse than his bite.”

Jyn pursed her lips, looking after the retreating figure. She wondered if Cassian had rebelled one too many times. 

Cassian checked himself into medbay and cringed when he saw it was Dr. Kalonia on call. She just gave him a _look_ and went over his injuries. Thankfully Jyn had patched him up pretty well but Kalonia prescribed him a strong antibiotic from the dunk he took in the polluted river. “Tell Erso to get her ass in here too if she doesn’t want to come down with a bacterial infection,” she shouted at him as he left for Draven’s office. 

Cassian readied himself for the dressing down, prepared that Draven would throw him in the brig, probably would have his rank stripped from him.

Draven was sitting at his desk, leaning back as Cassian walked into the command center. He raised his eyebrows as he eyed Cassian, noting the bandages, tattered clothes.

“I take it Har - errr Dr. Kalonia didn’t want to deal with you today?” he asked, a glimpse of a wry smile gracing his face. 

“I’m fine sir - nothing a few bacta patches couldn’t fix.”

Draven nodded his head, looking down at the datapad Cassian had retrieved from Jyn’s bag. He took a deep breath and Cassian prepared for the verbal lashing - 

“You did good, Andor.” Draven said quietly, as he brought up the files retrieved from Jenoport. 

Cassian’s eyes widened in surprise. 

“We had suspicions the Empire was building a new weapon so we sent a team of Bothan spies . . . it would have been a suicide mission for them but once we received your files, we called them back. You saved lives, Andor. Good, important lives.”

Cassian could feel his face beginning to flush but remembered the names on the files and a cold dread filled him. He should have told Jyn but everything had happened so fast - his mission, her finding him in the warehouse, the flight home where they kept him on pain meds and asleep the whole time. 

“Sir . . . the files. I . . . saw them. Is it - are they building another one?” Draven slowly nodded his head. 

He closed his eyes. _It was never going to end. This war. The Empire would keep building and taking. How was he going to tell her? Just when she was getting that fight back in her, her fire, she would be devastated, would feel the weight of her father’s murderous gift on her shoulders forever._

“We’re organizing a fleet - it’s not operational. If we take down the shield generator and attack, we might have a chance at destroying it. It’s a long shot . . . but it’s all we have. Solo’s leading a team. I’m sure he’s going to want Erso on it.” He gave Cassian a long, searching look. 

Cassian nodded. _A chance. One chance. How many more did they have left?_

“Cassian,” Draven said. Cassian looked at him in surprise. It was rare for Draven to call him by his first name. Draven handed him the datapad. “We were able to decode some files that were hidden deep in the logs. You might want to look at them . . . in private,” he said meaningfully. He turned to leave the room. “And if you ever leave that sith of a child with your droid to dump on me ever again, I will escort you back to Jenoport myself.” He looked at Cassian one more time before he left the room, his eyes flickering down to the datapad. “Look at those before you give to Erso.”

Cassian turned the datapad over in his hands. _Files? Why would he give these to Jyn?_ He tapped on the screen and a holo image popped up, a figure Cassian had only seen through sheets of rain, through the scope of his sniper rifle. 

_Bodhi’s message. Galen._

_Jyn, my stardust, I can’t imagine what you think of me._

_Jyn if you’re listening, my beloved, so much of my life has been wasted. I try to think of you only in the moments of -_

_. . . it's so hard not to think of you. Think of where you are, my stardust._

_The pain of the loss is so overwhelming._

_My stardust._ _If you found a place in the galaxy untouched by war—a quiet life, maybe with a family—if you’re happy, Jyn, then that’s more than enough._

Cassian felt as if he was intruding on a private moment, that he should have stopped the recording but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Jyn had never talked about her father’s message but he remembered the broken look in her eyes in Saw’s catacombs . . . it was something that never came up and he wondered briefly if she remembered it, the context of it. The life her father wanted for her. 

He walked out of the command center and leaned against the wall, closing his eyes. Moments . . . memories hit Cassian hard. _His first time meeting Jyn. How he was struck by the fire in her eyes. Her saving a little girl on Jedha - caring less about the mission and about a child. Scarif - what he thought would be his last time on a beach and thinking he wished he had met Jyn sooner, how he wished for more time. The first time he told her he loved her - a year after Scarif because he was too scared, worried that the minute he had a moment of happiness it would be taken away from him. Watching her leave on her last mission with the Pathfinders - how he knew, he KNEW something was going to happen. Algor - seeing her die._

Cassian suddenly knew what he needed to do. He closed the holopad, tucking it into his vest. He needed to find Jyn. 

* * *

He stopped by their quarters first, wanting to shower in the fresher and change into clean clothes. He winced as the hot water hit his skin, his wounds still tender. His mind was on the contents of the datafiles. It was finally over. The search, the missions trying to find the files, it was as if they put an end to one mission only to realize a more dangerous one was right on the horizon. He wondered if Jyn would take Solo’s offer, and he immediately felt like an idiot for thinking it. Of course she would. She would do anything to stop her father’s war machine, even if it meant going rogue again. He leaned his head against the cool tiles of the shower, trying to let the hot water ease the stiffness of his muscles. _They barely survived Scarif. How could they survive the Death Star a third time?_ He could feel the water start to change temperature and knew he was prolonging the inevitable. He grabbed a towel and dried off, putting on some clean clothes. 

He looked for her in the mess hall and then the sparring gym. He made his way outside the base, passing by the same officer on duty who merely pointed his head towards the lake. He found her and to his surprise, she had Poe with her and was splashing around with him in the lake. She had stripped down to the synthetic workout shorts she wore when she wanted to spar and a fitted shirt made of the same material. For a moment, he stood watching her, playing with Poe, the sun shining down on both of them, and he actually heard her laugh - _Force! It was music to his ears to hear her laugh again,_ her eyes alight with happiness. 

And he was going to take it away from her. He hated being the one that had to break the news to her, the one to break her heart . . . again. 

She looked up as he emerged from the tree line, a smile on her face. “I thought I’d take him off Shara’s hands before the whole base tried to sell him to the Hutts. Seems like he’s going through a rebellious stage,” she said, smiling at Poe as he scrambled up a small ledge and then rolled back down, laughing hilariously as he hit the waterline. 

Casian frowned. “Jyn, I’m not too sure if that’s exactly safe -” but he cut himself off as Poe clambered up the small ledge again and rolled back down into the water. “It’s better than a ship ramp, right?” Jyn said, mirth in her eyes. Cassian nodded and they both watched him until he tired himself out and waddled over to Jyn, plopping down in her lap. She grabbed a towel from his backpack and dried him off, then laid it down on the grass and moved him over to the towel, the sun warm enough to keep him comfortable. Poe let out a small sigh and then curled towards Jyn, sticking his thumb in his mouth and sucking contentedly, his eyes closing as he drifted off to sleep. Her eyes drifted back to the lake and then to Cassian. 

“Jyn,” he said quietly. 

“I know, Cassian,” she murmured. “You don’t . . . I can tell this is weighing on you and don’t - don’t do this to yourself. 

_How did she find -_

She gave him a small smile, as if she knew what he was thinking. “You don’t think I wouldn’t have looked at those files when you were passed out? We all lost something on that mission. We had to know if it was worth it. Worth the lives lost.” Her eyes roved over his body and her arm snaked around his back, her hand gently resting on the scars from Scarif. From Coruscant. From Jenoport. “Worth you permanently injuring yourself.”

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, savoring her warmth on him. He turned to look at her. “I thought . . . I thought you’d be more upset?” 

Jyn shook her head. “I always knew the Death Star wouldn’t be my father’s only weapon.” She paused and closed her eyes, her hand absently running up and down his spine. “On Scarif in the citadel, when I saw those file names - War Mantle, Black Saber . . . I wondered what other monstrosities did he create? The Death Star was only the beginning for the Empire . . .”

He leaned his head down to hers, bringing her close to him and sighed heavily. “Jyn . . . when is this ever going to end?” She looked over at Poe who was still asleep and starting to snore softly next to her. 

“I don’t know if it ever will, Cassian. But . . . you see him, Kes’s child, who is so _happy_ and full of life and sometimes I wonder _maybe_ there could be peace in war.”

Cassian gave her a sad smile and she looked at him, perplexed. He reached into his vest and took out the datapad Draven gave him and handed it over to her. “Jyn . . . did you . . .,” he paused, trying to be careful with his next words. “Were you able to look at everything downloaded to the drive?” 

She shook her head, giving him a confused look. “No . . .” she said, her lips turning into a pout. “We just started accessing the Level 1 files. Bodhi wouldn’t let me dig into them once he saw how confidential they were,” she said, rolling her eyes. 

Cassian handed her the datapad. “Scarif held the repository of all of the Empire’s databanks - transmissions, plans, archives, recordings.” He paused, clearing his throat. “I uh . . . I know you’ve seen this . . . but Draven thought this belonged to you - not to the Alliance.

Jyn gently took the datapad from him, her eyes intent on the screen. He saw her lips start to tremble and she clutched his hand and looked at him, her eyes wide with unshed tears. “Papa,” she whispered. 

Cassian watched silently as she played the message again from her father, closed his eyes when he heard her soft gasp at Galen Erso’s words - _a quiet life, maybe with a family—if you’re happy, Jyn, then that’s more than enough.”_

“I . . . remembered what he said - about the Death Star, about the vulnerability in it - about how he had to lie to protect us, the galaxy but this . . . I . . . I don’t remember him saying this,” she murmured. “All he wanted was for me to be happy. He didn’t care if I fought . . . as long as I was at peace.” She nodded her head, as if finally understanding that Galen Erso had been fighting for her to live not for her just to survive. 

“Jyn,” Cassian said. He was going to take a chance and tell her. He would take the next one and the next. “I . . . I don’t think I can do this anymore. The missions I’m approving, the spies I’m sending out . . . I . . . I can’t . . . I know we swore we’d fight the Empire until there was peace in the galaxy and I know that day is coming soon but . . . how many chances do we have left, Jyn? What if this next mission is our last chance . . . your last chance? I want us to live, to be happy, I want us -”

He was cut short because all of a sudden Jyn was tugging his head down to hers and her lips were ghosting against his, and she murmured,

“ _to be at peace_.”  
  
And then she kissed him, her lips hungry against his and she leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his neck and he pulled her tight against him, responding to her with his own need, his desperate desire to be close to her. 

Her hands slid under his shirt and he leaned back and she curved against him. He deepened the kiss and was about to flip her over when he heard a soft snore. _Kriff._

_Poe._

He muttered a curse and tried to sit up as Jyn huffed out a laugh and pulled away from him slowly. 

“I’m sure Solo can pay off his debt to Jabba with him,” Cassian muttered darkly. Jyn smiled and softly caressed Poe’s hair. She turned to look at Cassian, her face serious. 

“Did you mean it? Do . . . are you . . . ready to leave?”

He nodded without hesitation, his eyes intensely looking at her. “Only if you are.” he whispered. She nodded her head, her eyes brimming with tears. 

“After Scarif . . . when you were still healing, Mothma came to me and offered me a ship and a way out. Or . . . she said I could stay and fight. And I looked at you and I didn’t want to end up the person I used to be . . . only looking out for myself. I wanted to have that hope, that faith in something bigger than me.” She paused and grabbed his hand, bringing it up to cup her face. “You gave me that hope again Cassian. But it’s hope in _us._ Hope for something more. I want that _more_ with you. I want _more_ with you now. I don’t want to wait for the war to end. I want us to start living now.” 

Cassian closed his eyes as he thought of them, living somewhere peaceful. _Happy._ “Jyn,” he murmured. “Are you sure? If you want to stay . . . if you need to fight . . .”

She shook her head wearily. “Cassian, I’m so tired of fighting. I . . . when I woke up, I thought if I went back to what I was before, the constant missions, the fighting, I could forget about the time with my parents but I only ended up losing myself, losing _me, almost losing you_ and I don’t want that anymore. I don’t need to fight to be happy.” 

She ducked her head down, a small smile crossing her face. “I’m happy when I’m with you.” 

Cassian flushed, could feel the tips of his ears turning red at her declaration. “All the way?,” he asked, hope burning in his eyes.

“All the way,” Jyn declared, pressing her lips to his. 

She sat, curled in his lap, her back flush against his chest, and they were both content, watching how the water lapped lazily against the sandy shore, Poe had rolled over to Cassian and was cuddled around his hip. “How do you think the others are going to take our news?” he murmured. Jyn thought about Chirrut and Baze and she had a sneaking suspicion that they would go with her but Bodhi. Bodhi wanted to do so much good in the galaxy and he had been happy on Thila base with Skywalker. _As long as he visited her. She would always have a home and a special place in her heart for Bodhi._

She looked down at Poe and her eyes watered. “I’m going to miss this guy. And Shara. I don’t think Shara will leave this fight. There was a reason why her and Kes were so perfect for each other.”

Cassian nodded his head in understanding. Poe slowly began to wake up and yawned loudly, his curls a mess around his head. “Mama?” he asked sleepily. Jyn picked up Poe and snuggled him close to her. “You want to see mama?” she asked. Poe nodded his head and then proceeded to stick his thumb in his mouth. Cassian frowned. “I think he’s going to mess up his teeth if he continues to do that.” Jyn looked lovingly at Poe and Cassian was blown away at how happy she looked with just this little bit of rest, with a baby in her arms. 

She took his thumb out and told him “no, Poe,” to which Poe replied “No” back at Jyn and then stuck his thumb back in his mouth. 

She shook her head in exasperation. “I’m going to let your mother deal with you on that, young man.” Poe continued to suck on his thumb, staring at her with such trust in his big brown eyes. Cassian stared at him and then at Jyn, a sense of longing blooming deep in his belly.

“Would you ever want one?” he blurted out. His eyes opened wide as he realized what he just said. _They had never talked about kids, the war always consuming them._ But as he looked at her holding a child, he had never wanted something so much. A family. With her.

Jyn looked up at him in surprise. “I . . . huh . . . it just never dawned on me that we could do this. The war, constantly fighting.” she cuddled Poe closer to her. “But now . . . once we,” and she waved her hand at their upcoming decision, “Uh . . . do you?” Cassian nodded his head slowly. “Only if you want to and when we’re ready.”

She looked down at Poe. At this little boy who would know a galaxy at peace and she saw so much of Kes in him and thought of the little boy when she was with her parents, the one with brown hair and brown eyes and for a moment, she realized how much she wanted . . . Cassian, peace, a family. She looked at Cassian, a smile in her eyes. “Yeah,” she said softly. “Maybe not right now . . . but yeah, someday, Cassian.”

The smile that lit his face brought tears to her eyes - it was so bright and happy that she pulled him down to her and kissed him again, Poe shrieking wildly trying to kiss the both of them.

Cassian pulled back and then grinned mischievously at her. “So who’s going to tell Draven?”

Jyn took Poe in her arms and ran off, leaving Cassian to break the news to his commander of twenty-two years. 

* * *

Draven took the news surprisingly well and even offered Cassian an older ship that was no longer used for missions and he frowned when Draven handed him a stack of papers that he had to fill out for his formal retirement and pension. 

“The Alliance really does offer a retirement plan?” Cassian asked him, surprised. 

Draven shrugged his shoulders and a sad look crossed his face. “We do . . .but . . . a lot of times our soldiers don’t . . . uh . . . get to that point.” He began rattling off numbers and terms such as years of service and time in rank and percentages which Cassian just ignored. 

“Huh,” he said, nodding his head. His mind went to Kes and how he would hear him and Shara talk about going to live on Yavin once the war was over. He had never really thought about retirement life. 

“Cassian.”

Cassian looked back at Draven. 

“I know this war has taken so much from us. But you need to know that everything we did was what needed to be done. Don’t leave this place regretting your actions because it will tear you up inside. You need to know that lives have been saved because of us.”

Cassian nodded his head thoughtfully. _It wouldn’t be easy to live with everything he had done. But he wanted to live. With her._

Draven smiled. “You’ll send me a wedding announcement, I take it?”

Cassian could feel the tips of his ears getting red and chuckled. Draven then frowned. “It better not be a birth announcement first, Andor.” 

Cassian could now feel his face burning up and fled the room, missing the glint of a smile on Draven’s face. 

* * *

“I believe this belongs to you,” Jyn smirked as she handed a stinky Poe back to Shara. 

Shara backed up. “You’re going to give him to me now when his diaper needs to be changed, Erso? Typical,” she huffed out, taking her unruly son from Jyn’s arms and then laying him down on his baby cot to change him. Jyn admired the speed at which Shara was able to change Poe. Her first time changing Poe, literally took Kay, two nanny droids, a lot of wet towels and a lot of patience. Of course Poe hadn’t exactly been acting like the angel he was being now with his mother. Shara looked back over her shoulder at Jyn. “I hope he wasn’t too much trouble, Jyn.” Jyn shook her head, still staring in awe at how angelic Poe was behaving. 

“Nah, he was great. We went swimming and then he uh was playing by the lake for a little bit.” Jyn fibbed a bit, not wanting to tell Shara of his shenanigans rolling down the hill into the lake. 

Shara changed Poe into a clean set of clothes and then handed him some of his x-wing toys which he grabbed and started making his little sounds. 

She looked at Jyn curiously. “You seem . . . happy.”

“You seem surprised that I’m happy.” Jyn replied back. 

Shara was never one to hold back. “I just . . . given what we just found out with the Empire, I thought you would be more upset and about ready to lead a rebellion.”

Jyn shouldn’t have been surprised that news would travel so fast. “I . . . am. But I guess in a way I’m not surprised,” Jyn tried to explain. “I always knew they were building worse. Ever since Scarif, all those data files. I knew they would never stop at the Death Star.”

“Are you going on Solo’s mission?” Shara asked Jyn, her voice quiet, staring at Poe playing with his toy ships. 

“We’re leaving the Rebellion, Shar,” Jyn whispered. _She hoped her friend would understand, that she wouldn’t be upset. She had to do this. The war was squeezing so much out of her and there would be nothing of Jyn left._

Shara turned slowly around to face Jyn, her eyes wide with surprise. “Come with us,” Jyn pleaded. “I know you need this Shar. I know you and Kes . . . but I don’t want to see this war take Poe’s only parent.”

Jyn could see all the emotions cross Shara’s face. Doubt, guilt, love. Then finally . . . resolve. 

“It’s gonna take a lot more than the Empire to take me down Jyn. I . . . can’t stop. Not now. Not when we’re so close to winning.”

Jyn’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry, Shar. I wish . . . I wish I could stay and be with you through this but . . . it’s killing me. And Cassian. I almost lost him in Jenoport. And all the missions before. I worry our next chance will be our last.”

Shara pulled Jyn in a tight hug. “You don’t need to apologize, Jyn. Not to me. Not to any of us. You’ve done enough. More than enough.”

_If you’ve found a peaceful life, a family. Jyn remembered her father’s words._

She sniffed and wiped at her eyes. “You let me know if anyone gives you a hard time and I’ll make sure to come back and make people's lives miserable.” Jyn went to pick up Poe who flew his toy ships dangerously close to her face. 

Shara laughed. “Oh no need to worry about that. Ever since I punched Draven, I’ve been treated like a queen here.”

Jyn nearly dropped Poe.

“Wait - WHAT? When the fuck did you punch Draven?”

Shara threw her arm around Jyn and pulled her and Poe close. “Girl . . . that is a story that needs to be told over a few ales and shots of Solo’s secret stash of Corellian whiskey. Let’s go see if that droid of Andor’s will watch Poe for a bit and promise not to pawn him off Draven.

Shara led Jyn and Poe out of her room, Jyn still in shock and grumbling why she never got to punch Draven. 

* * *

  
Everything happened so fast. Jyn thought it would take weeks, months for them to leave but it was all finalized within a week. It was what she adored about Cassian - when he set his mind to do something, he would go full Force until it was done. Plus it was so cute how he made a list on his datapad of everything that needed to be done and kept following up on his transition plan with the analysts, technicians and engineers. Jyn had nearly died laughing when even Draven told him he needed to mellow out. 

They were packing up their weapons trunk (there was no way Jyn was leaving that treasure trove behind) when they heard a sharp rap at their door. “We know it’s not Kay, Cassian. He never bothers to knock.” Cassian chuckled and went to open the door to find Chirrut and Baze, bags slung across their shoulders. 

“Hitching a ride?” Jyn asked, moving aside so they could come into their room. 

Baze shook his head. “Not a ride little sister. We go where you go.” 

Jyn’s heart skipped a beat. When she had told the Guardians they were leaving, she hadn’t expected them to go but had been a bit disappointed when Chirrut said they would find them eventually. 

“Really? I thought . . . -” she shook her head wildly, “never mind what I thought. Yes! Of course!” She turned to Cassian. “There’s enough room on the ship, right?”

Cassian looked at her weapons trunk. “Depends if you plan on taking the Alliance’s whole armory with us,” he said, giving her a look. “We’re supposed to be living someplace peaceful, right?

She eyed the weapons trunk and then Chirrut and Baze. “Well if Baze gets to take his repeater cannon then I should be able to take my trunk.” 

Baze glared at Cassian. “Make room,” he said gruffly. Cassian sighed and rolled his eyes, pulling out his datapad and started tapping away where everyone groaned out loud. 

Chirrut looked up at the door and then turned to Cassian. “Captain. You might want to calculate for additional space.” 

Cassian and Jyn both turned to Chirrut but he waved them off and grabbed Baze. “We’ll meet you in the landing bay.”

They went back to packing up and heard another knock at the door. Jyn went to open up the door but another knock made her yell at the person on the other side. “Kriff off - hold on!”

The door opened up and Jyn’s eyes widened at their guest. 

Han Solo looked at their packed bags and empty room. “Huh,” he said lazily. “So you are leaving. Thought Draven was just being an ass and didn’t want to give me more soldiers for Endor.” 

Jyn thought about it. “Well . . . Draven is an ass but yeah . . .” she tentatively smiled at Han. “We’re leaving?” She waited, her body tensing up for an argument but all Han did was pull her into a hug. “Good for you Erso,” he murmured. “Good for you.” 

He looked over at Cassian who had turned back to his datapad giving them a few moments of privacy. “Do I need to give him the talk, Jyn?” Cassian who of course had been listening glared at Han. “Excuse me,” he said, “what talk?”

Jyn rolled her eyes. “Han, please.” 

Han got more comfortable with the idea moving towards Cassian. “I have a feeling Dameron would have done this at some point but since he’s not here and that role falls to me as I was your Commander, then someone should at least point out to Andor that if he so much as -”

“Stop right there,” Jyn said in a deadly voice, pulling a truncheon out of her weapons trunk. “First of all I’m not a child and if you so much as threaten him, I will personally see to it that you will never, ever, have children.” She struck out her truncheon which came within an inch of Han’s groin area to which he visibly paled. 

“Okay, okay,” Han backed off, his hands up. “We good, Andor?” Cassian raised his eyebrows, nodding towards Jyn. “She’s the one you need to be good with.” 

Jyn pulled back her truncheon and gave Han a hug. “The gesture is appreciated but next time don't be a dumbass.” 

He pulled away from her and gave her a total Han-like smirk. “You know I always am, Jyn.” A look of warmth and friendship ran across his face. “May the Force be with you two.” He clapped Jyn on the shoulder one more time and gave Cassian a knowing look. “And you as well, Han. You stay safe,” Jyn told him while Cassian gave him one of those weird man handshake thing that they did. 

Han left the room and Jyn turned to look at Cassian and at the empty room. “You ready?” He looked down at his datapad and then looked around the room as if he was mentally checking off to make sure the room was left in the same condition it was given to them. 

Another knock at the door. 

Jyn stormed to the door, “Solo if you came back to harass Cassian so Force help me I’m going to stick your body in a taun-” she stopped short when it wasn’t Solo at the door but Shara.

“Shar,” Jyn smiled. “You came to see us off?”

She nodded, unusually quiet. “Can I talk to you two for a minute?” Cassian stopped what he was doing and turned to her, a look of concern on her face. 

“Is everything okay, Shar?” She nodded, biting her lip. “I’m going on the Endor mission . . . and . . . I hate to leave him here . . . with strangers. My dad is getting older and if I . . .” she paused, her fists clenched and resolve and pure strength powering her, “if I don’t make it back, I need to know that he’s going to be with people who love him and will protect him.”

Cassian and Jyn for once in their lives were speechless. 

“I need you to take Poe. I need to know that he’ll be safe and that he’s loved. And I know you two will do that for him. He has so much of his dad in him . . .” her voice trembled and Jyn rushed up to her, clasping her hands around Shara’s closed fists. “I couldn’t bear it if something were to happen to him while I was gone. And I know you two will protect him as if he was your own.”

She threw her arms around Jyn, “Please Jyn. Please take care of my baby. I wish I could stay . . . I wish I could be brave and leave but I can’t. I need to fight until it’s over.” Jyn turned to look at Cassian, the two of them sharing a look.

She squeezed Shara tight against her. “You are the bravest person I know, Shara Bey. Yes. Of course we’ll take him. You think we want to leave him here for Draven to turn into a spy?” she heard Cassian’s huff of indignation. “No offense, Cass.” 

She pulled away from Shara and looked her in the eye. “But you make us a promise. You make a promise to us and your kid that you will come back, got it? No matter how long it takes, you make your way back to _us. To him. Understand?”_ Shara nodded, her curls shaking wildly around her head.

“Where’s Poe now?” Jyn asked. Shara gave her a half hearted grin. “He’s already in your ship with the Guardians and K-2.”

She handed Cassian Poe’s backpack filled with his toys. “Chirrut already put his stuff on the ship but he likes to have this little bag when he flies.” 

Cassian took the bag gently from her. “We’re ready to go . . . did you already uh . . . tell him?” Shara nodded her head, a small tear rolling down her cheek. “I did. I don’t think I could have handled telling him and you two bye at the same time.” 

Cassian wrapped her in a hug. “You know you can leave at any time right? And you comm us if you need anything at all, got it?” 

Shara hugged him back. “Thank you, Cassian, Thank you so much for taking him.” She gave Jyn one last hug and left the room. 

Cassian looked over at Jyn and took a deep breath. “You ready?” 

She smiled up at him. “I’m ready, Cassian. Take us home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a few notes:  
> I know some fics have Jyn upset at the second Death Star but in the Rogue One novel when Jyn is in the data tower searching for the Death Star plans and sees the names of the other weapons, she wonders what other weapons her father created. I decided to take the approach that she always had an idea he created more weapons. 
> 
> One of the reasons why I had Bodhi leave (which may not have made much sense) was so I could have Shara start becoming more prominent in this fic so it wouldn't seem so abrupt that she asks Jyn and Cassian to take Poe. I also wanted to show Jyn bonding with Poe and realize that she could have peace and that she didn't need the war to end to have that chance. But I wanted to transition to this stage rather than abruptly throw it in. I hope it flowed nicely into the story. 
> 
> Finally - I hope this chapter made up for all the angst and drama and sadness in this fic. I know I put our characters through the wringer but it was all so they could get to this point.


	19. Epilogue - At Peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn and Cassian settle into their new lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes - I'm so sorry for the delay in posting. Life got a bit crazy with work and school but here we are - the last chapter.

Jyn turned, snuggling in the bed and curled towards Cassian, her body automatically reaching out for the warm comfort he provided. She opened her eyes slowly when all she found was an empty space next to her. She looked at the chrono - it was nearly midnight. They had all gone to bed early after they had returned from hiking to Chirrut and Baze’s cabin. The sheets still felt warm which meant Cassian hadn’t been away for that long. 

Jyn smiled to herself, not worried where he was. She figured he probably went to check on Poe and most likely caught the kid trying to sneak out of his room to play with the small toy speeder Cassian had salvaged for him or worse, trying to get into the conservator. 

They had settled on Thrae, a small planet near wild space in which the planet was made up of deep oceans, sprawling deserts and large mountains. The sector they landed in was covered in forests with ice cold lakes and streaming rivers. They thought the temperature was mild year around but she recalled their first winter how there was a sudden shift in temperature and how the rain suddenly turned to snow. She remembered Cassian’s reaction when he woke up, how he had yelled for her and Poe and when they sleepily stumbled outside, he pelted them with snowballs. She had never seen him look so carefree and Poe immediately dove into the snow and had built an intricate fort complete with snowballs before he engaged them in a snowball fight. 

_ Life was good.  _

She still had her moments where sometimes she would see Poe do something that reminded her so much of Kes and her thoughts would grow sad as she thought of her friends, of her  _ team _ . She remembered the day Cassian taught him how to ride a speeder and  _ kriff  _ she just wished Kes had lived to see him grow up and turn into this little man. 

There were nights when she still woke up, shivering and sweaty, her moments from Algor and all the missions afterward plaguing her in sleep. But then Cassian would pull her close to him and murmur in her ear that everything would be okay and she would fall back asleep in his arms. Sometimes Poe would wake up from a nightmare or wake up crying, missing his mama and he would cuddle in bed with them, the three of them finding light in the darkness that had plagued them most of their lives. 

There were moments when they would be exploring the forests around them, and Poe would chatter constantly about the rocks he found and the little dark eyed animals he would see and Cassian would listen attentively and teach him about the planets flora and animal life and Jyn would become melancholic as she thought of her time with her parents  _ in her coma  _ and how she remembered the look of pride on her father’s face when she would identify a certain crystal or rock and he would beam at her and be so happy. Or the long walks with her mother when they would talk about everything and absolutely nothing.

She missed them but she knew she needed to let them go. She would never forget her time with them but the more she tightly held on to them, the harder it was to be here, in these moments with Cassian and Poe _.  _ She was where she was supposed to be. With her family. With people who loved her and needed her.

She frowned as she realized Cassian had been gone longer than normal. She got up and put on her sandals and went in search of him. She didn’t see him or Poe in Poe’s room. She heard a faint splash and a laugh and looked outside the window in the kitchen and rolled her eyes. They were in the middle of Thrae’s mild season where it was warm enough in the evenings to swim and she could see two lone figures floating around on the lake. Once Poe had discovered all the small lakes and rivers, Cassian insisted Jyn teach the both of them to swim. While he wasn’t as powerful a swimmer as Jyn, what he lacked in force, he made up for in stamina and grace. She padded outside quietly, the soft grass quieting her footsteps as she got closer to the lake. She could hear Cassian pointing out the different stars to Poe. 

“And my mama flies in the stars?” 

“Yes, Poe, your mama does. She’s making the galaxy a safer place for all of us.”

“Can I fly with her when I’m older?” 

“Yes  _ pequeno,  _ of course.”

“Don’t you think it’s a little bit late to be swimming?” Jyn called out. They both got so startled they twisted and face planted in the water, sputtering water as they came back up for air. They both dog paddled back to the shore and Cassian looked a little bit sheepish while Poe simply gave her his baby eyes and she instantly melted. “He was wide awake when I went to check on him so I thought a swim would help settle him down,” he explained as he took the towels Jyn brought down to the lake with her. She helped Poe as he attempted to dry himself off but still remained dripping wet. “Now you go in the cabin and get in the fresher, young man. You need to wash that water off of you before you go back to bed.” 

“But Auntie Jyn, I was just taking a bath  _ in the lake.”  _ She gave him a look that he knew meant business and ran up to the house. 

Cassian smirked at her. “I could use some help drying off,” he smiled, a little gleam in his eyes. Jyn snapped the towel at his legs and he turned to run away but they were both caught off guard when Jyn’s comm went off, alerting them of an approaching ship. “Cass,” she whispered. “We need our blast -” but then stopped when she recognized the Alliance symbol on the U-wing that was coming in hot. “I thought Bodhi wasn’t coming until next month.” Cassian looked at the ship, at the way the pilot was flying in and shook his head. 

“That’s not Bodhi,” Cassian said, a smile on his face. It was Shara Bey. 

They waited for the U-wing to power down and Shara came sauntering down the ramp, a smile so bright it could light up the galaxy. “It’s over,” she whispered, as she hugged the both of them. “It’s finally over.” 

Cassian looked at Jyn and for them . . . the war had been over for both of them for so long . . . but finally knowing that everything they had fought for, everything they did was for this . . . a free galaxy, where people could live in peace, where soldiers could go home to their loved ones, meant so much to them. 

“I’m so happy you’re home, Shar,” Jyn whispered. They turned to go inside but Poe stood on the porch, his curls damp from his shower.

“Mama!” he shouted and he hurled himself down the stairs and threw himself in his mother's arms. Tears streamed down Shara’s face as she clutched her son close to her. 

Cassian wrapped his arms around Jyn, pulling her back tight against his chest. He kissed her softly on the cheek and as she looked at Shara and Poe hug and kiss each other, she brought Cassian’s head down to hers and whispered, “I think I’m ready now.” He nodded silently, his grip on her tightening and she could feel his smile against her hair as he dropped a soft kiss on her head. 

_ She was finally at peace. Safe and happy with the people she loved most in the galaxy.  _

_ She was home.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for all the kind comments and for following this fic to the end. I didn't realize how angsty and sad this fic was when I first started writing it but I hope the last chapter and the epilogue made up for it.


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